AIBU to feel like a single mum with this arrangement?

[turnedoutbadly]

I’m honestly not sure what’s normal anymore because I’m being told I’m overreacting, so I really need some outside perspective.

Imagine you live in a city where you have no family and no friends. You’re completely on your own and you have a 10-month-old baby.

The father runs a company that belongs entirely to him. He leaves every morning at around 8am and comes home at 6pm. (but he pays rent bills when I am on maternity)
Our baby has a bath at 7pm and goes to sleep around 7:30pm, so realistically, he spends less than two hours a day with him.

Once a week, he doesn’t come home at all before baby is asleep because he has a dinner or drinks. On Saturdays, he’s also busy from around 8am until 2pm doing his hobby.
So every time he’s not here, I’m the only one looking after our child.
On top of that, he goes away on business trips roughly once a month for 4–5 days.

He thinks this is completely normal and says that lots of people live like this because they have demanding jobs and run companies.

I, on the other hand, feel like a single mum.
I’ve started thinking about moving back to my hometown, where my family is, because at least I would have some support and wouldn’t be completely alone with the baby all the time.
But I’m constantly being told that I’m expecting too much and that “lots of people do it and nobody complains.”

So I genuinely want to ask other mums:
Is this actually a normal amount of absence for a father? Are there really lots of families where one parent is essentially responsible for the baby most of the time while the other works these hours, has weekly evenings out, weekend commitments and regular 4–5 day business trips?
I’m not asking whether he’s allowed to have a career or whether his work is important. I’m asking whether I’m unreasonable for feeling like this is too much and that I need more support.

While your situation is normal, his response to how you feel about it is not, of course you feel isolated. Have you actually sat down with him, explained how you feel without it seeming like an attack on him? If not, make time to do it. Suggest what you would like to see change, you seem to suspect he’s not happy either.
was your relationship happy before? If it was it’s worth remembering this is just a phase in time and things won’t be like this forever.

I think you need to branch out and try to make friends. My DH is out of the house from 7-7 daily, but 2-3 nights a week doesn’t make it home for bedtime. Also works weekends a lot at the moment. I knew when the kids were young that this was going to be our life so I made a lot of friends with people who have kids the same age as my kids. We frequently do play dates of an afternoon/evening where we all crash someone’s house. The kids all play, we all have some dinner and a glass of wine and everyone leaves when the kids get ratty around bedtime, it’s really great. Your village is out there, you just need to try and find them.

Have you talked to him about how you feel? I would be suggesting he did bath times when he is home. Also he needs to learn how to look after the baby. He will never learn if you keep doing it all on the basis that he doesn't know.

You are not a single parent but you are a SAHM and lots of mums find this difficult and isolating. That said, your DP being out from 8-6 is not at all unusual. Most people with a full time job and any commute will be out for that amount of time, let alone someone running a company. Do you spend time together after baby is in bed?

The fact that he is doing some of the night wakings means at least you are getting more sleep than some.

I think you need to go to whatever groups are available in your area and stick with it. You don't go once and make friends. Sometimes it takes time. If you drive, go further afield if that's what it takes. Try to get out every day even if just for a 20 minute walk. It is good for your mental health.

As an actual lone parent, respectfully this is not like being a single parent

Agree with this.

If he won’t marry & provide financially, you actually only have the first option.

This is why both DH and I decided against either of us being self-employed. The 8-6 is normal for anyone full time but working until 3am is not. The reality is here he was all-in on a baby knowing his life would not change one bit.

What do you mean "organise the engagement"?
Tell him tonight that you want to get married, ask what his thoughts are, if he's not keen then explain all the reasons to want to get married and ask why he doesn't want to. Ask him to have a good think this week and then you'll chat again next weekend.
And if the answer is still no then come up with a compromise - paying into a pension in your name, putting the company into your name

@turnedoutbadly

All this 'is it normal?' and 'yes' and 'no' answers doesn't matter. It isn't working for you and that's what matters. My DH worked out of town 4 days a week for a few years when the DC were small. A lot of my friends said they wouldn't be able to 'handle it' and that it was wrong of him to 'leave it all to me'. For me, it was no problem. In fact in a lot of ways it was easier when he was gone as it was my rules and less laundry.

Bottom line, he is 'living his life his way' as it were and he sees no reason to change because 'everybody does it'. You could probably come up with 1000 stories of families where the father is an equal partner with good work/life balance and it would change him not one whit. He likes the life he is living. Who wouldn't when you do what you want when you want?

So your only choice is to stay knowing that this will be your life or move back home and, in essence, start over again as a 'real' single mum.

As far as being a SAHM and not being married, I'm sorry, but unless you have a marketable skill or professional qualification that would enable you to return to the workforce at any time 'should the need arise', then IMHO you are a fool to leave the workforce for any length of time. It appears to me that you fully understand that if he should decide he didn't want to be with you (or vice versa), you would walk away with nothing but child maintenance. And if he is self-employed possibly not even that if he decided to 'play funny' with the books. And since he seems pretty self-oriented, he probably would. As a married SAHM you would at least be entitled to a share of whatever he had.

Seems to me you have some thinking to do. And some 'financial planning' also. Either about returning to the workforce now or if/when you move home. And it's guff about 'my wages would only pay for childcare'. First off HE should pay half of it, and second off jobs usually come with raises and possible advancement. And children start school so care is less expensive. So 'only pays the childcare' wouldn't be forever. At some point you'd be earning more, DC would start school, and hopefully you'd be in a place of self-support.

Did he not have this job before you chose to have a baby with him? Same with the hobby.
I don't think it's unreasonable if he is out to work that he doesn't get much time with the baby. I would probably be miffed at the hobby unless I then got a turn to go out for the afternoon for example.

Regarding baby groups, you sometimes just have to stick at them.
Do you not have a library or museum nearby? Or other church halls? I am surprised there isn't much where you live (unless you are unwilling to travel).

I think the 8-6 working hours is pretty normal and to be expected, after all bills need to be paid.
Spending 6 hours every week on a hobby not so fair, every other week is fair with the alternative weeks as time off for you to explore hobbies,ake friends.
Week long business trips sound weird to me, I attend business trips but never every single month and never more than an overnighter.

What is normal or abnormal? Your husband works. You dont. You need to make the effort to make some friends.

Try to see things from his point of view. You’re a a SAHM, so all responsibility for bills, living expenses etc are his. It’s his business if he doesn’t make it successful he can’t provide for his family. Personally (and I say this from experience), I think too much time on your own has left you isolated and lonely. Being a FT mum is hard and you are resenting him to be able to be away. You need to talk to him and perhaps consider going out to work PT. Just one or two days a week to give you some time to speak to adults and not be with the baby.

Do you work or?

This

It’s normal - and my dh works longer hours than that. But do get time to yourself when he is home, visit your family regularly, go to baby clubs and get out and about with baby where you live. Get a job if you haven’t got one. I have found it easier as child gets older.
I hope hubby spoils you when he can, when you have time together / as a family - he should.

I honestly think you do need a bit of a reality check- you might not be happy with your relationship and home life as it is, but you are not a single parent. You do have a partner who supports you financially (I assume, as you are not working) and who does share some childcare (he will do solo childcare at the weekend, it’s just you don’t feel it is good enough and he does share night wakenings, for example.

And I would say his working hours are absolutely normal- 8am-6pm is not outrageous- especially for someone who is running their own business. Working away from home can be required in some lines of work- I understand it is hard for you when he is away, but it’s not unreasonable if it’s necessary (and I doubt is new, so you must have known his working hours and time away from home before having a baby). Unless you believe he is lying to you and working away unnecessarily?

If you don’t like his working hours- in what way would you like him to change them? And do you genuinely think that is realistic? If yes, perhaps you should propose your ideas to him and see what he says?

I also think that you need to let him get on with spending time alone with your son- it might not be the way you would do it, but unless you actually believe he is unsafe in your partners care, you should leave him to it. You have to be careful that you aren’t (however unintentionally) making a rod for your own back by being a bit rigid about your way being the only right way. Left to it, he will develop his own way of doing things- and that will give you some time away for yourself.

It’s fine for your partner to have a hobby, as long as you have some free time to spend as you wish too. I don’t think parenthood should mean you can do work, chores or childcare and nothing else. It’s not good for anyone, including you OP. You need to look at ways to expand you own hobbies and develop friendships, which might help with the loneliness and, in time, could become your local support network if you plan to stay.

With regards to your relationship, if you aren’t happy then you need to talk with your partner. If after doing this, you still feel there is no point continuing the relationship then end it and co-parent.

The job is fine, normal. The weekends, the weekly meal/drinks, are not. Not when you have a baby at home. He is putting himself first there and telling you to "stop complaining". I grit my teeth reading that as it is so audacious. You are telling him how you feel and he is not listening.

So you tell him you exist, you are a person, you matter. You can't be the best mum you can be if you get no time off. Tell him that if he doesn't want to give you that time off, then you will go and move in with family where you will get it. Tell him that if he chooses not to hear you again, then he shouldn't be surprised to come back to an empty house. Doesn't sound like he's there much anyway so shouldn't be an issue for him.

And, no, you are of course not being unreasonable to feel the way that you feel. When your instinct tells you something; listen.

You are not a single mum. Tho doesn’t sound like he actually wants baby. Assume a happy accident and not planned

you sound lonely but if going back to work things will get better then as will be seeing people daily unless wfh

why doesn’t he know his routine or cues. He sound a crap dad tbh

would you be better off on your own but near family and friends

prob yes as do it alone now anyway

people really do not bother to read before replying- biggest lesson here

He was travelling in the past too, but nothing compared to how it looks now. I do understand that all of the travel is valid and genuine, but some of it is not absolutely necessary and he is still choosing to go, which is what frustrates me.

Reading all of those comments, I’m actually a bit shocked by the reality of my situation. I have friends who were married and were fully financially supported by their husbands for the first two years after having a baby.

I was thinking about doing something from home, but it’s difficult with the baby when I’m alone, and by the evening I’m completely shattered.
Also, we have a DD, not a DS, and I honestly thought having a daughter might make him feel even closer to the baby and more engaged as a father.

I do think there’s an important distinction here between solo parenting and single parenting.
You’re clearly doing a lot of solo parenting because your partner is working long hours, away regularly and has commitments outside the home. I can absolutely understand why that feels exhausting, isolating and unsustainable, especially with no family or friends nearby. You’re not unreasonable for wanting more support or for feeling resentful about how uneven things are.
But as an actual single parent, I do find the comparison to “feeling like a single mum” a little uncomfortable. Your partner is still there, you’re in a relationship, he contributes financially, pays the rent and bills while you’re on maternity leave, and presumably there is another parent to share responsibility with, even if he isn’t currently sharing enough of the day-to-day load.
Single parenting means there simply isn’t a partner in the household to come home at 6pm, contribute financially as a partner, take over if you’re ill, discuss decisions with, or potentially change their working arrangements. The buck stops with you.
That doesn’t mean you have to be grateful for an arrangement that isn’t working for you, and it doesn’t make your exhaustion any less valid. I actually think your issue stands perfectly well without comparing yourself to a single mum: you are doing far too much of the parenting alone within a two-parent household, and you’re entitled to tell your partner that the current division of responsibility isn’t acceptable to you.
So YANBU to feel unsupported and to want things to change. I just wouldn’t call it single parenting. It’s a large amount of solo parenting, and there is a difference.

I’m not saying whether you should or should not work- that’s up to you to decide/agree as a couple. Many couples do chose to have a stay at home parent, with the other financially supporting the family. It’s perfectly valid and I’m not negatively judging your decision. But you are not a single parent.

You acknowledge working away from home/travelling is necessary, but then say you resent it as he is choosing to do it- it can’t be both. So is it necessary or is he choosing to travel unnecessarily?

I think you do need to be realistic about what is required when running your own business because long and sometimes unpredictable are inevitable. You can’t just walk out at 5pm every night. Did you honestly expect him to be able to change his working hours and commitments when you had a baby? Did he tell you he could? If he did and has not delivered, then I think you can have a conversation about that. Worth bearing in mind that his business profits is your sole source of income though- so even if he has had to increase hours it may be a necessary evil.

As you are not married and you rent, being a SAHM does put you as an individual in a precarious position. You have no claim on any of his assets if you were to split, for instance. You would be entitled to child maintenance but that is all.

I can understand why some posters are pushing for you to try and pressure him into marriage pronto, but I’m not sure that’s a wise move, if you do intend to attempt to improve your relationship/stay together. I mean, it’s utterly transparent at this stage isn’t it? I’d be highly suspicious at your motivation for suggesting it in his shoes. My reading of a suggestion to marry quickly at this juncture would be that the whole premise was a sham- “We’re “at war” but hey, please marry me”? You might as well say “I just want to be able to take half of your assets when I leave you, which I will- just as soon as we are married and I’ve stuck it out long enough to push for a decent settlement”. In his position, marriage is the last thing I’d be rushing into if my partner and I were currently at loggerheads. It won’t fix any of our problems and as such it is a financially very poor decision.

Either sit him down and explore explain how you feel, or end the relationship if you can’t do that. If you come to the conclusion after the discussion that there is no common ground to work from, then end it as amicably as possible and move on.

Did you discuss arrangements before you had a baby ? What will you do without his income if he’s at home instead ?

You dont seem to be helping yourself much, you need to get out and make friends, assuming you didnt see much of him before the baby so you knew the situation

Yes, plenty of people are living like this. The question is, is this what you signed up for and can cope with it with a young child? Wouldn’t have been for me that’s for sure. If you can cope OK and the rewards are worth the sacrifice then maybe you can accept it. Can you go stay with family when he’s away? However, you say he pays the bills while you’re on maternity leave. Well so he should. Surely someone with their own company can support the family and share money. It’s all joint money anyway. Once you go to work, then you’ll have your own money which is important for mums, but I feel it’s a red flag about the bills like he’s doing you a favour. Unless of course I’ve misinterpreted the situation.