AIBU to feel like a single mum with this arrangement?

[turnedoutbadly]

I’m honestly not sure what’s normal anymore because I’m being told I’m overreacting, so I really need some outside perspective.

Imagine you live in a city where you have no family and no friends. You’re completely on your own and you have a 10-month-old baby.

The father runs a company that belongs entirely to him. He leaves every morning at around 8am and comes home at 6pm. (but he pays rent bills when I am on maternity)
Our baby has a bath at 7pm and goes to sleep around 7:30pm, so realistically, he spends less than two hours a day with him.

Once a week, he doesn’t come home at all before baby is asleep because he has a dinner or drinks. On Saturdays, he’s also busy from around 8am until 2pm doing his hobby.
So every time he’s not here, I’m the only one looking after our child.
On top of that, he goes away on business trips roughly once a month for 4–5 days.

He thinks this is completely normal and says that lots of people live like this because they have demanding jobs and run companies.

I, on the other hand, feel like a single mum.
I’ve started thinking about moving back to my hometown, where my family is, because at least I would have some support and wouldn’t be completely alone with the baby all the time.
But I’m constantly being told that I’m expecting too much and that “lots of people do it and nobody complains.”

So I genuinely want to ask other mums:
Is this actually a normal amount of absence for a father? Are there really lots of families where one parent is essentially responsible for the baby most of the time while the other works these hours, has weekly evenings out, weekend commitments and regular 4–5 day business trips?
I’m not asking whether he’s allowed to have a career or whether his work is important. I’m asking whether I’m unreasonable for feeling like this is too much and that I need more support.

You don’t need to organise an engagement but you do need to sit down with him
and have a conversation about your future.

you need to tell him that you want to be married, that while it’s disappointing that it’s not happened yet, you’re both beyond the surprise proposal stage and you’d like to book a wedding and be fully committed to each other as well as legally a couple.

his response will tell you everything.

do not become a SAHM if you’re not married.

I'm in a very similar situation to you. Same age baby. Isolated too. Partner works a lot of hours, not married. He does take baby so I can do hobby though although he moans about being tired (and looking after a baby isn't?), I do all housework and mental load stuff too. I'm in a bit of a better situation in that I can go very part time working until baby 2 or 3 and I do own my own house that my older child lives in, but that is nothing to do with him, iyswim, that was my hard work. We live in his house which is completely fenced off for him, I pay for food and everything for baby. He pays bills for his house we live in but spends a lot on himself. He's terrible with money and runs up debts and tries to borrow from me so I am glad we are not financially tied.

I think if you strip away to the bones of it - the two main issues seem to be that he is working all these hours for himself at the end of the day. No matter how he says about working for all of us etc (mine says that too).

I don't think I'd jump into marriage though if I were you. Relationship sounds rocky and if you are considering moving away probably better if not married.

The other main thing is you absolutely NEED some time to yourself. He gets it and so should you. I have older kids so I knew this was a necessary. It doesn't matter if he doesn't do perfect, he needs to learn. If you wrote him a schedule like of baby nap times and meal times etc, would he be happy to take baby? or would he resent it? If he would happily do it then take this time for yourself you will feel less resentful!

Not like a single mum at all!

You are unhappy and lonely and need to communicate this with your partner. And if he doesn't listen then you decide what you want.

Is this different to pre baby work hours? Was it discussed before the baby?

I voted YABU because as it’s nothing like being a single mum.
however, I do think it’s a lot of time that he’s absent

Can i ask are your finances split that you both pay 50/50 or does he cover the bills? I had the same scenario no family and my husband worked the same hours. It is hard when they are small, also very isolating. I would persevere with the church baby group, i went to some groups like that and although i didnt also feel that welcome it was good for my son. Remember this stage is temporary as they do go to nursery then school. It feels a long slog at the time but it does go fast. Any local childminders that could take the wee one for a day a week to give you a rest.

It's very normal, as long as you get some time to yourself at the weekend, too.
I think you really need to build your village where you live. I was 300 miles from family when mine were little so I joined every baby activity I could and found some wonderful friends. They and their children became my non-bio family. We griped about the usual stuff, supported one another through every life event, drank a million cups of tea and laughed endlessly. We had so much fun - I hope you find the same.

Working 8-6 is normal.

Working away is normal for families where it’s part of the job.

Hobbies are normal but that should be time equally available to both parties - same with dinner and drinks.

You sound lonely though. So you get out and meet other parents and attend baby groups?

You are a fool not to be married. Next weekend give him instructions for the baby and go out all day sunday. Get back to work and concentrate on your finances and pension etc. What were you thinking getting this far with no marriage or civil partnership? I would also ask him for a wedding or civil partnership to protect you. His reply will be very revealing.

Oh and make sure your contraception is firm.

No long engagement. Registry office or civil partnership asap to protect you.

You made a choice to be a stay at home mother. Taking care of your child and the house is your job. (No judgment - I was also a stay at home mother.) I'm sorry you're feeling isolated, but you do need to put yourself out there to try and meet other people in your position, even if it's just introducing yourself to another mother at the park.

Your choice to become an unmarried stay at home mother on the other hand was probably not the wisest. Has there been any discussion of marriage?

Your boyfriend's hours don't sound unreasonable. There are a lot of people who can't get home from work by 6pm. The Saturday hobby might be an issue, but he does deserve some leisure time, as do you. If he's engaged with you and the baby the rest of the weekend, and you also get time to do things for yourself it doesn't seem unreasonable. Is there any chance of him cutting his hobby back to fewer hours or every other week?

To me it depends on how much support he gives you when he is around, and his understanding of your need for downtime too. If he doesn't, then you have bigger problems I'm afraid.

I don’t need contraception- I’m at war with him at the moment and there’s no intimacy.
I’m not going to bring up marriage again. I did once, he said “okay,” and then he did absolutely nothing. I feel like I’m worth more than having to ask a prick to marry me.

Re: relocation I don’t think he would ask me to cover the travel costs. He’s not that shitty.

You’re not a single parent and his hours don’t seem that bad to me.

you’re very vulnerable because you aren’t married

It’s that plus the time he’s away - on average 4–5 days a month. Some months it’s 0, but in others it can be as much as two weeks.
I also feel like he doesn’t really know how to, or maybe doesn’t want to, spend time playing with the baby. I think that’s a big part of where my resentment comes from as well.

It was a joint decision to have a baby, and he was very excited about it. He talked a lot about how involved and engaged he would be, but nothing really looks like what he promised.
And honestly, I feel like it’s the same with our life in general, there’s a big gap between what he said he wanted our life to look like and what it actually looks like now.

Was it a joint decision to have a baby without being married? Surely you knew how risky that would be, especially if you weren't planning on returning to work.

I forgot to add that it's nothing like being a single parent. I was widowed with a baby and a toddler, so you'll have to trust me on that.

And it's also not unusual for people in careers to have to go away for work several times a month. I don't think that's something you have any right to complain about, unless you think there's something else going on.

I had to work away regularly when my kids were primary aged. My ex husband had to go away for months at a time. Some jobs just require being away. And his day to day sounds pretty light.

you are not even close to being a single parent.

My partner is out from 07:30 until 18:00/18:30 most weekdays (occasionally he is WFH) so this sounds normal. I have heard of other Dad's doing their hobby out of the house on weekends for hours too, but my partner doesn't do this thank goodness otherwise I honestly think he'd be an ex-partner. Having to work is one thing, choosing to play golf or whatever for 6 hours on a Saturday when you have a young family who want to spend time with you is a joke.

If you resent him and don't feel ge is,a proper partner, your relationship seems a bit dead.

Why don't you go away for a while and see your family to find out what support you wowould alistically have with them and then decide if you would be happier.

Honestly - tell him that from now on every Sunday for say at least 4 hours say 10-2 is now your time. Even if you just go to a shopping centre for a wander and a coffee, even better if you start a hobby. Leave him instructions for baby. I do this, I do understand how it is being worried routine will go to pot leaving more stress later, so I leave him instructions which he (mostly) follows. Or if possible where you live you could even start going out when baby in bed.

It will help you not feel so resentful. It will also be a test of how he feels about you and how willing he is to look after his child. If he steps up and respects your you time then maybe things can be salvaged, but if not then you will at least see where you stand. I didn't ask partner to look after baby for the first few months (cause he working so much) then when she was 5 months I was seething with resentment, still am tbh but it's less now that he does get her, comes back though if he moans about looking after her cause he's 'too tired' (from building his own business!).

I get it, I really do. I'm in the same boat. It's difficult as well with zero family help or support. Don't know if relationship will survive either and considering just going it alone too.

His working hours, etc seem pretty reasonable to me. Many, many people do similar. But.. why did you have a child with this man without being married to him? You must know how vulnerable financially you are - if you are on MN, you can’t not know!

Those are perfectly normal working hours, even with the travelling away. You just need to carve some time out for yourself as well, but there seems to be plenty of time in the week when you can do that.

You sound like you really dislike him. If that is the case, are you able to relocate with child towards your family/friends?

You aren't happy and you deserve someone who wants to spend time with you and your baby. Move back home and surround yourself with family. He'll never be what you want.

Also it's not about if this is normal for other families etc. This is about you and what you want. If that's not how you want your life to be then you can change it!

yabu - he’s working, the trips away are work, he’s paying the bills. He is doing a hobby but it’s 1/4 of the weekend, he’s not saying you can’t do anything yourself. It’s completely normal for someone running a company to work a lot