AIBU to struggle with my partner refusing a second child?

[TeaAndSympathies]

What do you do if you want child number two but your partner is dead set against it?

Our son is almost 8, but I’m really struggling with the idea of not ever having another. I don’t know if it’s my age (37) and hormones playing a part.

My partner will only have sex with me using condoms. It’s making me not want to have sex as it’s just upsetting each and every time. Especially during my ovulation.

I couldn't agree more about both parents wanting the child. My husband agreed reluctantly to our 3rd child and the results are bad, my son hates his dad as he never really wanted him

My advice would be to accept that he doesn’t want a second child, or decide that having another child is important enough to you that you leave the relationship. What I absolutely wouldn’t do is have another child with someone who has made it clear they don’t want one.

My SIL had a second child after her husband had been very clear that he didn’t want any more children. She says the pregnancy was accidental, although I’ve always had my doubts about how accidental it really was. It caused huge problems in their marriage.

They’re still together and their youngest daughter is now six, but his relationship with her is noticeably different from the relationship he has with their eldest, who was very much planned and wanted by both of them. He provides for both girls equally, they’re included in the same holidays and family life, etc., but emotionally he simply isn’t as close to the younger one. It’s incredibly sad to see because obviously none of that is her fault.

I’m not saying every man would react like that, or even that most would, but I do think it shows the risk of deliberately having a child with someone who has already told you they don’t want that child.

And I also wouldn’t have another baby purely because you’re worried about your son being alone in the future. A sibling doesn’t guarantee a lifelong friend. I know plenty of adult siblings who barely speak or are completely no contact, so in practical terms they may as well be only children.

With an age gap of almost ten years, there’s also no guarantee they’d ever be particularly close anyway. They’d spend a lot of their childhoods and some adult life at completely different stages of life. I think another child needs to be wanted for themselves, rather than being brought into the family to provide a sibling for the child you already have.

I'm with team DH since you had problems after the birth of your DC, he may be reluctant to go through that again as well as dealing with your DC who has special needs. Why don't you concentrate on helping your DC instead, you are bu.

He won't be alone. I have one brother who I never see and one sister who I barely see, but I have loads of friends.

Your DHs reasons are all very valid and reasonable.

Why should your child be alone when you're gone? He may get married and have kids of his own.

I'm an only child and it hasn't bothered me in the slightest.

This is a two yes or one no situation. Appreciate the blessing you already have. If you have an otherwise happy marriage change your attitude because you don't want your son to pick up on it and think he's not enough. You don't even know if you would conceive anyhow. Be happy with your life.

Please be accurate about what I said, it's not the wanting a child that's cruel and manipulative, it's the demonising of your partner and harassing him to have a child! You moan that men shouldn't say no but look at the threads that are always on mumsnet of women whose husbands have walked out leaving the mother with a baby to raise alone.....that's what happens when you don't listen to each others feelings on having a kid! If you want the high chance of being a single mother then go ahead and harass a guy to get you pregnant but don't complain if they walk away. They aren't going to cope with something that they have spelled out to you that they don't want in their lives!

What does your flowery statement even mean? It sounds like a very long winded, flowery way of saying if he doesn't do what I demand then how dare he expect to be in a relationship with me! And what is this "overall cultural consensus" that you are whining about? That people today don't always want kids or use their wives as broodmares? At the end of the day, it's a kid, not a hamster, they affect people's lives massively - what if you or the OP bullied your husbands into kids they didn't want and those kids have severe needs or disabilities? It takes two enthusiastic people to agree to have a kid whether you like it or not.

He could have a vasectomy true (although maybe more permanent than he likes) but abstinence is not a solution for somebody who wants a sex life.

With proper usage condoms are a fine form of contraception for many people.

How do you think other people manage.
Loads of people are only children.

Yeh we'll have to agree to disagree. I personally wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship where I needed counselling to overcome the grief of not having a child. If my partner cared about my happiness that little and gave it that little consideration, that would be a red flag for me. And I certainly wouldn't advise other women they should have to tolerate the same. Each to their own!

If my partner cared about my happiness that little and gave it that little consideration, that would be a red flag for me.

And what about your partner's happiness or your son's happiness? Don't they count?

And it doesn't sound as if op's partner has given it little consideration - he has several well thought out reasons why having another child would not be a good idea for them.

So he should say yes to a baby he doesn’t want; to make her happy? Thats massively unfair on thst child. Children should be 100% wanted by both parents.

Thanks for all the responses so far.
I am trying to make the most of life as just the three of us. I really am.

I think what has made things harder recently is that a lot of people I assumed were ‘one and done’ are going on to have second or just had a second.
So that’s been a little bit strange to come to terms with.

I just feel so conflicted about it all, I wasn’t enamoured by the baby stage - but I feel like an alien especially being a woman and feeling this way. Most women go gaga over babies, but I just don’t get it. I do love toddlers as they’re usually cute, just like my little 2 year old niece. However the tantrums and potty training I could do without.

But OP, that’s okay! Not all women feel that way. I’m exactly the same and I questioned for a long time if there was something wrong with me, I was never goo-goo-ga-ga about babies, really disliked the toddler stage, and honestly found the lack of sleep horrendous. I genuinely couldn’t understand why people went on to have more than one! We had, and still have, a great life with one child. You realise you can maintain your own life (and your sanity!), and because of that you’re less stressed and, in my opinion, a better mum. You’re allowed to feel differently, and you absolutely don’t have to do something just because everyone else does.
I’ve said it before and I genuinely stand by it - I think a lot of people have more children simply because it’s the ‘done thing’, and then end up struggling or miserable because they haven’t really considered whether it’s what they actually want. Your husband is doing the right thing by properly considering the reality of having another child rather than just assuming that’s what you’re supposed to do.