AIBU to struggle with my partner refusing a second child?

[TeaAndSympathies]

What do you do if you want child number two but your partner is dead set against it?

Our son is almost 8, but I’m really struggling with the idea of not ever having another. I don’t know if it’s my age (37) and hormones playing a part.

My partner will only have sex with me using condoms. It’s making me not want to have sex as it’s just upsetting each and every time. Especially during my ovulation.

Very gently, the likelihood of another DC having a disability is greater the older you both get. This time it could be quite severe and then your DC would be facing caring responsibilities rather than a companion after you both go. And a reduction in their quality of life as his parents need to focus their time and attention on their younger siblings greater needs. I work in disability and I see it all the time. So, it's also a risk and not just a guaranteed positive for your DC to have a sibling.
Keeping this in mind as well as your DH sensible reasons I would urge you to really think. I know the biological urge is so strong and I have been there but in your situation I really wouldn't risk my family's peace for my urge.

How oneaeth is you having another fair on that child or the first brn? And yes at his age no way would I want to be a parent again (if I was a male)

I'm an only child too and have to deal with elderly parents by myelf but it's ok.
Your son won't necessarily be alone when you and your husband die. By then he may have his own family or a good set of friends.

If you want another child the only option is to split up. You can’t force him into having another child, and if it means that much to you then the resentment will start to grow. Especially when you get to a point where having children is no longer an option.

Craftyretrievrrmum I had 3 older siblings, two 13 and 12 years older than me, one 3 years older. Guess who was left to look after parents when they neeeded help - I was. I had 3 chikdren under 5. Siblings had young teenagers. Do mot presume another child would step up to help out with parents.

Sorry OP, but I see a lot of reasons here why your DP wouldn't want another child. It sounds like it would be a lot to go through again, especially if you suffered the post partum issues again. I think you need to accept his feelings.

She can't think about ditching her husband just to find a bloke to have a kid with! How quickly is she likely to find a guy and how quickly is she going to have to rush a pregnancy in? Do you think a new bloke is going to jump for joy to take on someone who is autistic & ADHD, just looking for a sperm donor and stands a very high chance of having bad mental health issues after the birth and could give birth to a ND child!

I really don't think the DH is going to leave to have a kid with anybody else.

Splitting up isn't a guarantee of having a child, men won't be queuing for a woman who already has a kid to someone else, who are ADHD and autistic and has previois form for having a lot of mental health issues after giving birth and may give birth to a ND child. It's not fair to lumber another bloke with all that either especially as it would be quite a rush job to get another pregnancy in.

I'm Team DH. You'd be crazy to have another child.

And the age difference between the 2 children might well mean little support for each other as they get older.

Also the older child might be pissed off as Mum will be absent/busy/ill

Siblings don’t always get along. Mine don’t. Won’t talk to each other. Personalities clash, and ones wife wants that son to herself and her kids. There’s no guarantee a sibling will ‘be there’ , especially with a near 10 yr age …8 now and you aren’t even pregnant so why I said near 10 difference. They are almost two only children..being at different stages. I had a 10yr and a 15 yr gap to my youngest ..who talks to the eldest occasionally but never sees middle, who ripped him off in the business, taking everything.

Life doesn’t go as planned much of the time

You can’t have one to support another. They are individuals

Splitting up isn't a guarantee of having a child.....

And if she did, the second child would be at least ten years younger than the first, and the elder one might be spending 50% of his time with his father and might have left home altogether when the younger one was still a small child. It's unlikely there would be a close sibling relationship, which is the op's reason for wanting another child.

to give you a reality check but “you not wanting your son being alone when you are gone” this isn’t a reason to have another child. My husband has a sibling and they barely talk, they see each other once or twice a year (max) and they live literally 30mins drive away so not far. Nothing has happened between them but they are very different people. And they are also very close age wise!

My daughter (5) has one grandparent and no cousins. Is that a reason to have another? Absolutely not. Family isn't always everything and arguably friends are more important for support. I've never lived near my cousins/ grandparents etc. and moved away from my parents after university. Husband is similar. We've managed.

Try fostering

Try fostering

What a terrible suggestion if the partner doesnt want another biological child why would he be open to fostering it’s an amazing thing to do but so intense

This - OP is totally bu.

Exactly the same here. Apart from I can’t remember when we last saw DH brother, probably about 4-5 years ago now

But that is still.bullying the DH.into another child disrupting his life and adding to financial pressures. And it could turn into an awful situation because a foster child could be troubled! So the relationship breaks down and the OP who has had issues mentally in the issue, will not cope now.
Do you think they would get a foster child when he doesn't want it, they have financial difficulties and age has ADHD and autism and has had issues coping with motherhood before!

What's the alternative? Being cruel and manipulative and forcing a man into having another child he doesn't want for valid reasons? You shouldn't resent it, you should accept it because it's understandable.

You can't put on people though, when your mental health crumbles again and the DH is doing his hobbies, when you need more one on one time with your older child, when you need more money...you would basically have been making your parents raise your second child for you and that's a wrong expectation!

Consider no2 could be physically disabled and how that could impact your family. I am not trying to ruin your vision but just trying to show that there are worst case scenarios you need to take into account.

Your DH makes very valid points. I wouldn't want to go through the newborn stage aged 45/46. No way.

I disagree with you entirely. I don't think it's cruel or manipulative to want a child, or that you simply have to accept someone else's decision when it causes you that kind of grief. I personally couldnt love or respect a man who expected that kind of sacrifice from me and didn't care about the impact on my wellbeing.

And the husband can just as easily (and rightfully) say - I couldn’t love or respect a person who expected me to have another child despite my very reasonable reasons and didn’t care about the impact on my well being (or that of our existing child).

i agree in some ways- one is simply the mirror ultimatum of the other- so there is no obvious basis for saying which perspective should be prioritised - as is always the assumption on these types of threads (and there's always a gendered element too). What you have to work out together is would the pain of having another child for the partner be worse the pain of not having another child for the OP. If you are at an impasse where neither partner can live with the outcome without significant suffering , I would question whether there is compatibility there in terms of the relationship. What I see time and time again though, is men just making these decisions and not really considering what impact it has on their partner, while continuing to enjoy and benefit from the relationship, and the overall cultural consensus endorsing that as the rightful way of things, with no regard for the reproductive autonomy of women or the different roles and experiences men and women have with regard to reproduction.