AIBU to struggle with my partner refusing a second child?

[TeaAndSympathies]

What do you do if you want child number two but your partner is dead set against it?

Our son is almost 8, but I’m really struggling with the idea of not ever having another. I don’t know if it’s my age (37) and hormones playing a part.

My partner will only have sex with me using condoms. It’s making me not want to have sex as it’s just upsetting each and every time. Especially during my ovulation.

Never have another child so your existing one won’t be alone.

Firstly, there’s no guarantee that they will get on, especially when adults. Secondly, why assume that they won’t form a relationship and possibly have children of their own?

Siblings don't always get on or have things in common. What if the next one is a girl. Would he really be that fussed by his 8 year old sister when he is 16 for example? There are just two years between my brother and I. He is living his best life on the other side of the world for the next three years after having been back 12 months from a previous three year stint. Although we are close and talk to each other we have no similar interests.

I think your DH has some very valid points in all honesty.

A vasectomy?

Why would he be alone? He might be married with children of his own. Very few people are truly alone when their parents die.

The chances of you having a child with autism is greater with older parents and you already have a genetic link. How would you cope if you had a child with greater needs? How would they cope once you have gone?

I would love a second child in theory, but in practice it would be a huge shift in our household - practically, financially, emotionally, all the -allys.

My DP does not want another kid and he is booked to have a vasectomy next month to ensure he doesn't have anymore. We did talk about it and he said if I really, really wanted it he would do it, but that is no way to bring a kid into the world. I had to respect his "I don't want this."

In truth I am actually quite proud of him for owning his decision so fundamentally, even whilst I acknowledge that I am sad we won't be adding to our family.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would expect him to respect my choice, and not badger me about it, so that is what I will do for him.

(Ps. He is a great dad, he just knows his limits and the shape he wants the next five years of his life to have and it just doesn't involve having another baby.)

I do feel for you and it’s really hard. I was desperate for a 3rd when I was around 39/40. I cried myself to sleep many a night. But DH was 100% definite that he didn’t want any more and he was perfectly content with the size of our family.

I had to just accept it (and deep down I knew his reasons were sound at the time).

Frustratingly, 7 years on, he regrets the decision and often says how it’s a shame we didn’t have more!

I, on the other hand, am totally over it. I’m actually pleased we stuck at 2 and have no regrets. I’m in the throws of perimenopause which is difficult enough to deal with alongside teenagers. I dread to think what it would be like with a young child(ren) on top.

Those are all logical reasons to stop at one. Have you considered the emotional, physical and financial pressure another child will place on you both? Right now, you might be in a bit of a hole (financially, for example), but you can get yourself out of it. Have another child and that hole will get bigger and be much harder and take longer to fill.

I do sympathise. There really aren't any winners here. Either way, it could end up being the end of the marriage. You could decide it's worth being a single parent and try to have another child alone (time isn't on your side to get divorced and find another partner). He could feel forced into having another child, resent you and you end up getting divorced.

Hopefully therapy can help you see the good in what you've got, rather than dramatising the 'what ifs'. I have no siblings. If you grow up without siblings, you don't know what it's like to have them and don't miss having them. (Also, having a sibling is no guarantee that you'll have a friend or someone to share things with later in life. It's not that unusual for siblings to detest each other or frankly, just have nothing in common and not particularly like each other. Ex was the 5th person his brother asked to be his best man!) Being alone in life is tough - but mainly for practical reasons. Blood family doesn't guarantee togetherness or support. Raise you child to be a good human and they'll find friends and perhaps a partner to create a new family with.

I very much wanted a third child 20 years ago. My husband didn't and we only had the two. I still regret that now and I'd be lying if I said it hadn't impacted our relationship. Are you in a pattern where your needs and wants aren't important to him and are often sidelined to prioritise his instead?

Sex always comes with a chance of a baby. Comparing it to rape is way over the top. Women do it a lot. Usually under the guise of failed contraception. You read it on here all the time.

I do feel for you op. Dh and I argued so much about a third. I just knew I wanted another baby. He gave me a year before he would get the snip. I always appreciated he listened to me. It does sound like your dh is listening and talking to you.

My DP wss 46 when we had our son. He has struggled massively with fatherhood and their relationship, 15 years in, is horrendous.
All of your DH's reasons sound valid.
My DS's friends are nearly all only children. It's really not unusual anymore.
I hope you and your family find happiness, whatever happens 💐

Why would your son be alone when you and your husband die?
I had a brother, but he died when he was 20, so I became an only child.
I’m in my 50s now, and my parents are still alive, but I won’t be alone when they die, because I have my kids, my partner and my friends.

I understand the desire for a second child, but I think your husband’s reasons for staying as you are are all quite valid.

I think given that your husband does have some very valid points, you need to try and accept that with the help of therapy perhaps.

I also wonder if thinking of the reality might be helpful- if your eldest is already 8, even if you fell pregnant today you’d be looking at a 9 year age gap which makes a “sibling” relationship really difficult in my experience & others I know. It’s essentially having two only children because they don’t have any common interests, common hobbies, they don’t enjoy the same films, toys, outings etc.

And there is no guarantee with any siblings that they will be together in the future.

Honestly OP you cannot guarantee against this even if you give him a sibling.

I have multiple siblings, nothing in common, rarely see them or even get a birthday message, and tbh in the past some of them have caused me more issues than anything else.

A sibling is not a safety net or any kind of guarantee for your son, and thinking this way is really not helpful.

My siblings do not make me feel any less alone in the world. The people who make me feel less alone are my partner, my child and my friends who are here in my day to day life - i.e. what I have built for myself.

He will build his own community as he grows up, whether or not he has siblings. We can choose our own family. Encourage friendships and show him the meaning of connection and he will learn how to build that, and ultimately it will be better than simply defaulting to blood relations anyway, as they will be people he has chosen.

Whilst his reasons are valid and its always the one who doesnt want a child whose decision matters more. I would think carefully about this because as a man he has options and can go and have another child any age. Your window of having a child is rapidly approaching closure. You have to dig deep inside and think about how it would feel if you were to split up and he goes to have another child. Would you be okay with this? Men always make decisions that suit them. I can guarantee you if he wanted another child and you didnt he would leave you and do it.

That being said leaving him is not a guarantee that you would meet someone on time to have another one. So i guess it depends on how much you will resent him in the future.

I think you are at a crossroads in your life and need to really think carefully.

Hes an older father with autism in the family. Have you considered that?

This is a very difficult one. to be denied the chance of a second child by one’s husband is very very painful. Obviously he is coming at it from a practical perspective. You are coming at it from an emotional feeling level.
You have to ask yourself if this is a dealbreaker for you. If you feel you can come to terms with this decision then do. But if you think you will still be grieving about never having another child for the rest of your life, you have some decisions to make. I am sad for you.

All his reasons are very valid.

I hope counselling helps.

Why?

I would suggest you discuss in counselling this fear of being alone - is it possible it is you who fear being alone, or feel alone now, and are projecting this onto your DS?
As you can see, most people don't think the way you do about a DC potentially 'being alone' when they grow up (not least because he may marry and have a family himself).

You say your family don't live near by. Did you have lots of family around when you were growing up? Have you moved away from the area? Do you feel lonely in the area where you live? Do you have many friends nearby? Is your mother now alone and your fear going the same way?
This is all stuff that needs unpicking.

People should have a puppy because they want a dog. People should have a dog ir any other pet, because they want that pet. Dogs are not people, puppies don't behave like babies and dogs certainly do not behave like children. Expecting anything else is not fair.

Your 38 and your partner is 45. You already have an 8 year old that may have ADHD and Autism. You currently waiting to get them assessed for this.

You want another child and your partner does not want this. Along with this your not in a great financial position. You don't have help from parents, or relatives or friends.

I think that you're partner has looked at both your lives currently and thought about the future. He has also thought about your son and wants to do what's best for him going forward.
With your current circumstances I think he was justified in saying to you that he does not want another child.

I have a friend and her 2nd child has autism. She did some research and found out that if she had another child there is a higher chance of another child with autism. Also the next child could be more severely affected with autism than her existing children. She knows several couples in this situation. There kid's can be non verbal, never sleep and have very high needs care. Some of them will never be able to live independently.
My friend decided not to have another child. Her child with autism is now in there teens and doing well. Her older child is in a good position also.
My friend said it was not just about what I wanted but what was the best for me, my existing kids and my husband. She is glad now that she did not have another child.

I think in your situation you need to get counselling and learn to be happy with the life you currently have. Get your son assessed and get any extra help he needs. Consider what's the best for your own physical and mental health going forward also. The reality is that you can't care for a child with autism unless you look after yourself.

I would ask your husband/partner to have the snip also because you have realised that you don't want to get pregnant again.

A vesectomy, for example. If he is sure he doesn't want to have more children, this seems like a very sensible option.

Your DS will find his own way in life, he’ll meet friends and a partner. He won’t need siblings to feel complete. Lots of siblings don’t get along at all. The age gap isn’t crazy, there’s a decade between my eldest and youngest and they actually get on really well but if they had different personalities that might not be the case!

I think your DH’s reasons are all sound and very sensible. Restarting baby stage with older DC is pretty crazy, trust me! I’m happy that stage is over forever now, it’s exhausting and completely messes with your body and hormones.

What happens op if he suddenly changes his mind and your new baby since you’ll both be even older so higher risk and already have in the family is a child that has much higher needs than your Ds?

You’d already be flipping his life upside down with a baby but if the next baby has high needs which is likely they will at least have some type of ND due to age and family history.

How well do you think your son would cope? How do you think you’d cope?

Thats without stepping on how do you think your marriage would survive since dh is clearly not keen at all.