AIBU to struggle with my partner refusing a second child?

[TeaAndSympathies]

What do you do if you want child number two but your partner is dead set against it?

Our son is almost 8, but I’m really struggling with the idea of not ever having another. I don’t know if it’s my age (37) and hormones playing a part.

My partner will only have sex with me using condoms. It’s making me not want to have sex as it’s just upsetting each and every time. Especially during my ovulation.

Every single one of his reason sound perfectly valid and sensible to me. It's up to you whether or not you can live your life without a second child. As it stands your husband and son are fine as they are.

With a 9/10 year age gap, it is highly unllkely your children will be 'close' anyway, may even hate each other, I know a lot of families where the siblings are nothing to each other, once the parents are gone they just go their separate ways.

If you were really that concerned about your child being on his own you wouldn't have had him in the first place, so you really need to stop using that guilt trip as a reason to have another.

My son has ASD and has nobody except me. He's 35.

You already have one child with autism don’t risk another . Your partners reasons are very valid

Not wanting DS to be alone when you're gone really isn't a valid reason. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. 1 brother and 1 sister I no longer speak to, and haven't for nearly 10 years. Another brother and sister are much younger than me and live far away. I rarely see them. 1 brother I see a few times a year, but we're not close.

Also, the chances of having another ND child are high. Your existing DS may find it difficult dealing with a noisy baby. I have 12 year old twin boys, both AUDHD, one with severe learning disabilities. When I'm gone, my DS with learning disabilities (DS1) will most likely have to live in a specialist residential environment. I do hope his twin (DS2) would look out for him, but they won't really 'have' each other. Hopefully DS2 will settle down in a relationship and have a family of his own.

It seems like you know this is your hormones speaking and you're trying to justify wanting another baby. You don't need to. There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling and it's perfectly understandable why you're feeling grief for the child you won't have. I have no idea what to suggest other than the usual counselling/therapy to help you come to terms with it.

On the bright side, you have your 8 year old and your DH sounds like a good man.

Ok? So he is also not alone.

If both children were autistic, that might not happen anyway because they can't be a support to each other. If your second isn't autistic, they might not want to, because how dare you have another to be a support for your disabled child.
You be your DS support, he will need it, especially the way disability benefits are been attacked.

not at all fair on the puppy

I am sorry but this is just life and it is true for everyone whether they have siblings or not. My granny is one of four and all her siblings passed away over the last 10 years. She is the last one left.
I will be technically alone when my family members die... except I won't be because I have a family of my own and some wonderful friends.

And to your point about knowing families who are not financially secure but still have more children, I am sure they exist. And I am sure, from the outside it looks like they manage perfectly well. But as a child who grew up in less than ideal financial circumstances, I can tell you it's not massively great to see your parents struggle to provide you with a decent quality of life. I am not even going to go into what it feels like to go back to school in September to hear tales of lovely holidays or to have all your friends doing extracurriculars when your parents can never afford anything of the sort.

Your husband gave perfectly sensible reasons for not wanting another. You are not unreasonable to feel upset. But neither is he for not wanting another.

You're over thinking this.

I have lots of friends who were only children and have lost both parents. They are fine.

They said the funeral etc... was easy as no disputes over money/inheritance. Plus they have a couple of cousins, friends etc...

Being an only child isn't a bad thing!

My DH has an 8yr gap with his DB and they aren’t close at all. They didn’t essentially grow up together and he feels more a generation apart to him than aligned

I’d assume by the time you’re gone he will have his own family. Probably married, children, close friends etc. I have two brothers, when my parents are gone I’m unlikely to see either of them again. Having siblings doesn’t mean a certainty of lifelong support

This is why I didn't have another child. I'd already had a child who was coping fine with life, but with the risk of ND unknowns and the spin of the dice towards having a child with a more severe disability, I was worried we would end up with more to cope with as a family, not less. AuDHD is hereditary, you have it, your child has it and you don't know how much that might make life difficult for your existing child. Plus it's very very hard for your husband to see you struggle so much mentally and he must worry another child would tip you over the edge (my second nearly did with me).

It's hard, OP. Noone is denying that, but unfortunately your husband isn't up for rolling the dice again and I get that once over a certain age.

His reasons are sound but I feel great sympathy for your sadness at things being the way they are 💐

So I am autistic too and have two children 18 months apart. Obviously we didn’t know DS was autistic when we had younger DD and she has also recently been diagnosed with autism. Because of the genetic element there’s a good chance your next child would also be autistic. All I can tell you is my god it’s hard. I am suffering from extreme stress and constant guilt as both children need one to one adult supervision at all times and most of the times it’s just me with them.

Had I known about DS’s needs I doubt we would have had another. We thought a sibling would be the best thing for him but it really isn’t. He cannot stand her noise and he would much rather be myself and have all the attention from us but also peace when he wants it.

I too pictured a happy family with two kids originally but even though I have two kids life isn’t how I pictured it and it wouldn’t be for you either. Your husband is being very sensible here and has his head screwed on. I hope you can make peace with yourself and be content with your boy.

The existing child is now 8. He could be ten before a sibling arrived. He could have left home while the younger is still a young child. They might never spend much time together or get to know each other well.

Are you seriously suggesting option 3 is a genuine option? And the poster just has to “deal with the guilt and consequences ”?

That is utterly vile. That’s equivalent to rape in my opinion. The man isn’t consenting to sex with the aim of conceiving a child, therefore he isn’t consenting.

I can fully understand everyone's reasons for 'accepting it', @TeaAndSympathies , but can commiserate. That longing for another baby isn't an easy thing to dismiss. I'm so sorry. x

For the long term health of your family and your son’s stability, I think you and your partner need to have a serious conversation. Tell him how you are likely to respond to an accidental pregnancy.

If he is not happy with your plan, he needs to take additional measures to prevent pregnancy.

What additional measures can he take if he is already using condoms?

You have listed many reasons why your DS isn't willing to have another child and in honesty I agree with him.
Lots of things are stacked against you there and parenting your son with SEN is going to be challenging for many years to come. What if the next child is SEN too?

Your husband probably feels his cup is full and why would you possibly consider putting more in there.

Please let it go. Enjoy the child you have.
X

I’d love another and really struggle with the thought I won’t have that baby stage again, but I already have 3 children, all neurodivergent, our house isn’t big enough, extra cost, I’m 37 this year and dh is 44 so the chances of having another with more severe needs is higher. Also my mental health couldn’t take it, pregnancy hormones fuck me up!

Those are all very sensible reasons to not have a 2nd child, he’s being smart.

It’s also normal to have urges for another child once you get towards the end of the average fertile age. Perhaps therapy would help to accept it and move on.

But if he doesn’t often see his cousins, then surely you see that sibling relationships aren’t always that close!
Giving him a sibling guarantees nothing, they may never speak to each other as adults.

It's good that he is being honest now, you don't want to have the baby and then him resent the situation

Have you had the conversation previously about having another child - has he always been against having more than one ?