AIBU to struggle with my partner refusing a second child?

[TeaAndSympathies]

What do you do if you want child number two but your partner is dead set against it?

Our son is almost 8, but I’m really struggling with the idea of not ever having another. I don’t know if it’s my age (37) and hormones playing a part.

My partner will only have sex with me using condoms. It’s making me not want to have sex as it’s just upsetting each and every time. Especially during my ovulation.

I also don’t know why she thinks he will be alone and not have his own family , maybe he has severe additional needs.

You only have to read this forum to see that siblings being close isn’t a given, and with a big age gap that’s likely to be even more the case.

You were relatively young when he was born, so you should be around to see him into middle age, by which time he should have a network of friends, and more than likely a permanent relationship and potentially children of his own if he wants them. There’s no reason why any only child would be alone in life just because they don’t have a sibling.

To be frank, your husband’s reasons are all very valid and sensible ones and in his position I’d not want more children either. And as a partnership, one partner not wanting more children trumps the one who does - nobody should have children they don’t want.

I think you need to keep on with the counselling and work out why, even though it’s best for your family, you are struggling to let this idea go.

OPs reply suggests not much bread being won, or bacon brought home.
Consent to creating a person should be enthusiastic by both people, so the 'no' always wins.

What does it change?

Random but, could you foster short term children? That's usually up to 6mths stay at yours? Enough time to cherish and nurture the children and then space for your family of 3 to realign? You can do this intermittently to suit your family. Or respite care where other carers need a break, a holiday or time to get better if they ill. These are much shorter in duration. You can stipulate age of children, duration etc....

Taking points 2, 4 and 5 into consideration, you shouldn't have another. You can't force bf to have another.

I would not have said this is a good idea if you have previous mh issues.

Really? Only perfect people may apply? Wow!!!

I mean children in the system need plenty of help. Between diagnoses and possible ones and mh issues.

Then no op wouldn’t be a good candidate.

Disagree. Often people who know from experience are better placed to advocate for others. But its a pointless bicker as neither know op. But feels v unfair to judge people's competencies like that

I meant it would be added stress for her.

Unless your partner agrees you can't have another child, and save your marriage. I also think 8-9 years between siblings is too much, there were 8 years between my mother and her sister (because WW2 got in the way) and my mother resented it until she was well into her 30's, it destroyed her relationship with her Mum , who she had been very close to.

Abstinence or a vasectomy

If his sexual partner is unlikely to have an abortion if an accidental pregnancy occurs, relying on condoms is foolish.

If it helps I went to a funeral recently where the deceased man only had one child, an adult son. The son is married with children and was supported by his wife at the funeral, so not lonely in life at all.

I think your husbands reasons are totally sensible. I'm 36 and I feel I'm too old to have a baby as it was tiring at 25! I know some people who had kids in their 20s and then a kind of last hurrah baby late 30s/40s and they all say how much harder it is, that they feel guilty for not having the same level of energy etc.

Also if your finances aren't great how will you fund maternity leave and childcare?

This is exactly why my parents had a second child, for me not to be alone. There wasn't any other family. I am glad they are part of my life now and we get on well, but it's not an argument for another child in itself.

You can't guarantee your children will get on. There's going to be a big age gap, so that will mean they are in totally different places in life. This might affect their ability to relate. They might live on opposite sides of the world or far apart later, as many people I know do.

If I hadn't had a sibling I'd have been fine. I have my husband, I have my children, I have my dogs and I have friends. I don't think the sibling relationship is guaranteed, so it's not a reason in itself to have another child.

Can you do what you can to make sure ds spends time with his cousins? It's tough for you OP but your dh reasons sound sensible. Another child sounds like it would put a strain on all of you and he is quite old to have a baby. Like pp have said your ds will make friends and get probably a partner, pets and have his own life.

Sorrry but an awful idea unless her husband is 100% keen. It’s not like having a pet, they are children who’ve had likely had trauma in their lives.

Thanks for all the replies.

I spoke to DP again last night and he did listen to me and my concerns, but ultimately alongside the other reasons, said he is enjoying the time he has now to pursue his hobbies which he fits around family life. And he doesn’t believe a baby would allow him the freedom to do that.
He also thinks our DS is so used to having our full attention that he’d really struggle if a new baby was brought into the dynamic. But my thinking is towards the future and how I don’t want him to resent us when he’s an adult, for not giving him a sibling relationship.

He also said how hard it was for us both when our DS was very little, as we have very limited support nearby.

I think the sad part is, if my parents were closer geographically, we probably would have had another.

His parents didn’t have lots of help from their parents, so he doesn’t see it as alien as I do, when grandparents aren’t fully present, despite living nearby (his). Mine were always available and I saw my nan regularly when growing up, almost everyday.

To answer other questions, we already have a cat. May look at a dog in the future but DS isn’t too keen on dogs and prefers cats anyway.

We are seeing some of his cousins today as they are down to visit, however this only happens a couple of times a year. They’re from my DP’s side.
We see his cousin on my side (my niece) every school holiday when I visit my parents with him.

That’s an excuse OP. He may well have his own wife and children by then. Not to mention supportive friends, colleagues etc. Siblings aren’t the be all and end all.
And why ruin nice days out and holidays you can have with a kid his age by adding a baby and making it all about routines and nap times

He also thinks our DS is so used to having our full attention that he’d really struggle if a new baby was brought into the dynamic.

Valid point with an eight year old, regardless of ND.

It honestly sounds like you want a child for the wrong reasons- family when they are older … eek … it isn’t a good enough reason as the age gap is large and you had difficulty in the early years.

I Have 5 siblings - rarely see them we are just so different and we have big age gaps … having a sibling doesn’t guarantee an instant lifelong family.

The more you post the more I think your husband sounds fair and reasonable sorry.

Op the odds of him resenting uou as he doesn’t have a sibling is low to non existent.

i understand you wish a child, but I think you need to come up with more valid reasons than he will resent you and will be alone.

your husband has given valid reasons for not wishing another child, and honest ones at that, your reasons you are giving for wanting one, are circumstances which are vanishingly unlikely.

you need to be honest, with your husband and just say you desperately want another child, for your own reasons it’s an urge you have, not make it your sons fault or about him.

many people don’t get on with their siblings, it’s never a reason to have another child, and they are so far apart in age now it is unlikely it is relevant. Secondly as said, unless there is signifant disabilities, then it is likely your son will have his own family as an adult, if he wishes this, he won’t be alone.

OP can I just add that I was also you a while ago, I have one DD. She’s also 8 now. I worried a lot about her future then someone said to me, you need to live 80% for now, 10% for the past and 10% for the future. You have absolutely no idea what the future holds so you cant foresee and plan for all eventualities. It’s a bit different for me as I’m really happy now with one (life is so chill and fun!) but I did worry about her in the future. I spoke to two adults who are only children, one told me they loved it and one said she didn’t know any different and is incredibly close to her parents, they both have their own families now and one has chosen to have one. Honestly if you had more than one your worries would just move onto something else - especially if they didn’t get on, you suddenly couldn’t give either of them the attention they needed, you had a horrendous pregnancy/birth, you had another ND child etc etc you would just worry about something else. Try and enjoy your child now and all this time you can spend with him xx