AIBU to struggle with my partner refusing a second child?

[TeaAndSympathies]

What do you do if you want child number two but your partner is dead set against it?

Our son is almost 8, but I’m really struggling with the idea of not ever having another. I don’t know if it’s my age (37) and hormones playing a part.

My partner will only have sex with me using condoms. It’s making me not want to have sex as it’s just upsetting each and every time. Especially during my ovulation.

There is no guarantee they would get on as siblings anyway. I'm an only child. My husband has a brother but they aren't close

I do not get on with my sibling at all, even from a young age we did not gel. We have nothing in common, apart from our Parents. We did not play together when children, socialise when older, telephone or text each other. I’m much closer to my Cousins, and Friends.

The other issue is with his age and both you and your son probably being ND you probably have a massive chance of another autistic child.

You don’t have to accept it. You have to decide whether you CAN accept it. If you can’t and will resent not having a 2nd child then the conversation needs to continue with an understanding that if a consensus can’t be agreed by both then the marriage will fail.

personally when ex H decided to change his mind about a 2nd child I knew I wouldn’t get over that. Ultimately we had a 2nd child but the relationship broke down during pregnancy and we divorced when my DS was 1.

i do not regret my decision. Both children are a delight and the best thing I’ve ever done 😊

im now happily remarried and have a big blended family.

it wasn’t the perfect route but I knew I wouldn’t have always longed for another child and would have resented him and that would have not been good for 1st child

but that is my experience, if you can accept it then they is a much easier option

He will have friends and hopefully his own family. How do you think only children cope?

You just accept you can't control things beyond the grave? You don't know how things would turn out with a sibling. They aren't a magical lifetime companion. If I relied on my sister I'd go out 3/4 times a year and even then bite my tongue a lot!

From everything written here, your partner is being sensible and realistic. He wants to protect his family.
It would be extremely irresponsible to have another baby just because "you want one" - the reality is that none of us can have everything we want.
Please, OP, just be grateful for your lovely, thoughtful partner and the child you have.

All your partner's reasons are valid. Equally valid to you wanting another one.
You need to do counselling together to find a way forward. two options - accept 1 child or leave your partner and gamble on finding a new partner who does want children. I don't think that it's a good enough reason alone to have another just so your son isn't alone because there is zero guarantee of that. So many siblings don't speak or live on the other side of the world. Also you can accept it but also be sad sometimes, that's fine. We don't' plan to have a 2nd child because neither DH or I want a 2nd. But I do sometimes feel sad when I hear a pregnancy or birth announcement but I am accepting of that. Because a little bit of me would like to want another, but I simply do not.

Even if you had another child, there is no guarantee the two would get on well and be close. Especially with a big age gap. Lots of people have very little contact with their siblings once they grow up and starts their own lives. You could start putting more effort for him to spend time with his cousins now so he has family he is close with in years to come.

My DH and I had always talked of having two children but after DD was born he changed his mind, and said he wanted to stick with one. It was hard and it took me years to come to terms with it, but I did in the end, and now DD is 17 and I can't imagine having anymore children now, she is my best friend and my everything. It was easier financially and she says she's glad she is an only child now - she says she did have moments of feeling lonely, but an afternoon with her younger cousins usually cured that as she found them exhausting and was glad to go back to being the only child. She also used to get jealous of them getting attention from grandparents, so she concluded in the end she preferred having me and her dad all to herself. Having an only child worked out well in the end, and all of her teachers would say she was very emotionally mature. The ache I had for a second child faded over the years, it did get easier. I had my hands full with DD anyway.

He won't be alone. He'll have friends, colleagues, neighbours, hus cousins and very possibly a partner and child(ren) of his own. Our lives are what we make of them, including the people.
And lots of siblings really don't get on!

No it isn’t. Everyone is entitled to consent to the terms on which they have sex. An accidental pregnancy is a risk you both run; a deceptive pregnancy should not be.

He's unlikely to be alone. By the time you two go he'll likely have a partner and children of his own, along with friends, relatives in law, his own cousins.

I love my sibling but they're halfway across the country, we speak about once a month and see each other twice a year. I have tens of people I'm closer to in reality than my siblings.

Many children are singletons, it doesn't mean they're alone. They have partners, their own children, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. Or have you convinced yourself he will have none of those?

"He has 5 cousins currently, but they don’t live nearby. They get on well when they see one another but it’s not the same."
Maybe now is the time to start strengthening those family bonds. To visit and invite, maybe holidaying together so that all the cousins get to spend quality /extended time with each other.

So do I and I also think you're right that this isn't really about wanting another child but about how things have turned out.

And would it be fair for a second child to have to be a carer for your older one?

Don't get a pet - that isn't fair. Animals aren't there to be child substitutes. And your partner may not want that responsibility either. Remember if you get a dog that's 10-15 years of picking up its poo every day. Cats are easier but they still need a loving home.

Also, with an 8 year age gap, the younger sibling could potentially be on their own for a long time anyway. And of course there are no guarantees that the older sibling dies first.

There are no guarantees in any of this.

I could have written this myself. I have one DS who is 12 and not forgetting my other baby….the dog.
I’m 42 and husband is 37

For years I went back and forth about having another baby, it’s a bit different here as it’s my husband who would love another.
When my son was younger we were on less money, I did consider another when our DS went to school but would have meant starting again with the £1,000+ a month nursery fees.

We’re better off now but dread to think what full time nursery is these days in the south east. DH mum is late 70’s and my mum is now 2 hours away so no family childcare this time (my mum had DS two days a week when he was little)
Plus at my age the boat has probably sailed and even if I got pregnant tomorrow there would be a 13 year age gap.

I do sometimes worry about him being lonely but my DH has a brother only 3 years older and they never speak to each other so just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean they’ll get on
There are lots of plus to being one and done

Who brings home the bacon? Because if you are the bread winner, it changes things.

It changes nothing if he doesn't want another child.

Just because someone has siblings doesn’t guarantee they won’t be alone. You can read any number of threads on MN about distant siblings with minimal or no relationship.

Theres no guarantee your son and any fantasy siblings would get on either...

Why do you feel your son will be alone, is his needs so great you feel he can’t have relationships and children, a family of his own?

His reasons are incredibly valid and to be honest I don’t think enough people consider things like this, end up having more children and are miserable because all of these get worse with more. Do you actually want another baby/child now or is it for your view of your child being alone (which they won’t be) in the future?

You want a future carer for your special needs child, but given that you already have 1 special needs child and now both parents are much older, the odds are the youngest might have even bigger needs.

I wouldn’t worry about him being lonely when he’s older. I know many only “children” (now adults), they have more active social lives and more people to rely on than DH & I do, and we both have siblings.

Siblings aren’t the only source of company available; generally if I need someone to lean on it’ll be friends, members of my DH’s family, colleagues, fellow members of hobby groups, neighbours etc before my siblings.