AIBU to struggle with my partner refusing a second child?

[TeaAndSympathies]

What do you do if you want child number two but your partner is dead set against it?

Our son is almost 8, but I’m really struggling with the idea of not ever having another. I don’t know if it’s my age (37) and hormones playing a part.

My partner will only have sex with me using condoms. It’s making me not want to have sex as it’s just upsetting each and every time. Especially during my ovulation.

I’m sad my son will be alone once we’ve gone. He won’t have any family to support him/be alongside him

If your son had a sibling there'd be no guarantee they'd get on or live near to each other. They might end up living on opposite sides of the world.

What if you had a second child who had even greater needs than your son? He might be the one who ended up doing the supporting.

They can but that’s probably the exception to the rule.

By realising that not everyone gets on with their siblings anyway.

He may well have a wife or husband to help him through.

He may have kids of his own.

I'm not sure why you're assuming he'll be alone?

I feel for you OP. I really dont have any answers as to how to process it. I think it might be different if your dc was younger but he has already been half raised without a playmate and done just fine. At this age a new baby would be a difficult dynamic and chances are the siblings wouldn't be that close anyway. I get your point about when you and dh get old and die and that's probably when being an only child is toughest. But that's not the right reason for having another baby now. I think its ok to accept your grief and even call it that, try to see that dh is thinking of you all as a unit and being reasonable. You can still be upset but try not to take it out on him. Likewise he should be supporting you as you struggle with this.

As said, not all siblings get on and once older he may not want to be 'babying' a sibling with an 8 year age gap.

Your DS may grow up and have his own family, so won't necessarily be alone.

Been there OP. My husband wouldn’t have a 2nd and I knew that I’d never break up the family for that. I grieved for about a year with many tears and pain when seeing larger happy families, then it gradually got better. 3 years later I still occasionally wish I had another but for majority of the time I’m just very happy to have my daughter and there is no longing for another child. I had recurrent miscarriage before having her and I thank the universe every day that I’ve been able to become a mum. My two best friends couldn’t because of infertility for one and partner not wanting children at all for the other. It’s very hard to count your blessings when you are deep in grief - and you need to go through it properly, but you can heal and feel at peace with your cards and happy.

With an 8 year age gap siblings may not be close or even get on, they’ll always be at very different stages of life. Try not to compare yourself to your friends, everyone’s on their own journey.
Also, he may not be all alone in adulthood. He may go on to have a huge family and you could be drowning in grandkids! No one knows what the future holds. X

Not sure about that really.

My youngest is 23 and my oldest is 34 and they get on very well and go to hobbies and sports together.

I'm very close to my sister who is 10 years older than me but not so close to my sister who is 4 years older.

I guess it becomes more about personality and less about age gaps as we get older.

Those are all very sensible reasons not to have another.

Yes does depend on personality but I wouldn’t be advising OP to have another child just in case her child is lonely as there’s no guarantee that they and another child would get on anyway! Was the point I was making!

Do NOT do no 3 under any circumstance.

With a potentially 9 year age gap he won’t be close to his sibling if you have one.

You could have a 4 and 13 year old .. there really isn’t anything for them to do together so the key growing up together moments are gone…

I think all the reasons your husband gives are importan plus as you are now older and have an already auAsd child you may find the next child has more challenges - may

Between an older husband and older child I think the ship has sailed

Your DH sounds sensible. People need to be more like him when deciding whether to have kids.

What is it that you are imaging a sibling would be for your DS after you’ve gone?

I have a sibling and he lives 4 hours away from me. I also have no cousins in the country. Still made my own life.

Just here to say I understand how you feel.

I also have Adhd and struggle with feelings of overwhelm with my child. My partner is 10 years older than me and 47 and we have a toddler. Its been really upsetting sometimes to know ill never have another one of my own. I struggled alot with infertility and lost my first pregnancy at 20 weeks so the grief comes in waves.

I love my husband and I adore my son so I focus on how lucky I am to have them both and that helps.

Why do you think your DS will be alone? I have siblings but I spend the majority of my time with DH, dc and dog.

Agree. A sibling is not a guarantee your son will have support. On the contrary with an 8 year age gap. And another baby shouldn't be put in this world with that kind of expectation tbh.

Your husband has very valid reasons and points.

My aunt had 4 children, their fall outs have been on an epic scale, aunt and uncle long dead and none of them speaking to each other. Sad as their kids don't get to mix now with cousins.
I think your DH is right and he sounds like a lovely dad for your boy.

All his reasons are very sensible and valid. That doesn’t mean you can’t be sad for the life you thought you’d have though. At 37 I would accept and enjoy the 8 year old DS that you do have xx

I don't have a sibling and find it a little bit insulting/patronising that anyone would think I'm 'alone'.
Family.is what we choose for ourselves, not just genes, I don't have contact with anyone I'm related to, but I have a family thats me and my husband.
Your child will have a spouse, friends, and his own life.

Do you own your house? If money is a problem and you're not married, you could be in a precarious situation.

He's very sensible, these are valid reasons not to have another and he's thought about it properly. I think that's all you can ask when deciding together if another child is doable.

Having a sibling has no promises of their relationship for the future. I am one of 4 children and we have nothing to do with each other pretty much. I think it's fairly common for adult children not have much to do with each other.

Your reasons seem to be based on 'what if's' and emotions - totally valid and I get that but your husbands is based more factually. If you seriously can't cope with not having another then I think the fairest thing would be to leave your husband, but then you'd be splitting up a family instead.

Very true.

He could be alone anyway; siblings are no guarantee of support or company.

Have you already decided he won’t have a family of his own or any friends?

My second husband and I decided not to have any more children after our son was born. He was very difficult to handle as a baby who hardly slept. I already had children from my first marriage and wasn't sure I wanted another one anyway. He was diagnosed as autistic and I was sterilised when he was around three years old. Fast forward 30 years and I really wish I had given him a sibling. His older brother's don't live locally and I worry, like you do, about him being left on his own. If I could go back in time, I would have had another. If it's really important to you, then you're going to have to break up with your husband. I mean, my second husband and I broke up anyway, when our son was nine. It would be better than resenting him and then breaking up over that in a few years when it might be too late.

Have you considered that having another child may not end up being how you imagined your life turned out?
If your DS is 8 and still not been assessed for autism and ADHD I'm going to guess he is not that severe. My youngest was picked up as SEN before 2 and diagnosed with autism at 3. This has not been how I imagined my life would turn out, I too am grieving the life I thought I'd have. Everything is really hard, just something as simple as taking him in to a shop is stressful. He may need lifelong support and I worry who will look after him when DH and I are gone.
The risk of disabilities increases with maternal and paternal age. As autism and ADHD are already in the family, I'd say your chance of having a child with significant support needs is on the higher side. Having another child isn't a guarantee of a better life or the life you imagined.