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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to struggle with my partner refusing a second child?

215 replies

TeaAndSympathies · 21/08/2026 11:38

What do you do if you want child number two but your partner is dead set against it?

Our son is almost 8, but I’m really struggling with the idea of not ever having another. I don’t know if it’s my age (37) and hormones playing a part.

My partner will only have sex with me using condoms. It’s making me not want to have sex as it’s just upsetting each and every time. Especially during my ovulation.

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 22/08/2026 10:35

I'm one of 5 OP and we barely see each other. The one I'm closest to emotionally is the one I'm closest to in age (2 years). 9 years is a big age gap and, speaking from experience, they would have little to do with each other.

We have 1 by choice (he's 12). I'd say your DH's reasons make perfect sense.

Franpie · 22/08/2026 13:37

But my thinking is towards the future and how I don’t want him to resent us when he’s an adult, for not giving him a sibling relationship.

I think if you’re honest with yourself, this is just an excuse because you’ve landed on something that can’t be disproved.

I have 3 siblings. 2 that I don’t see because they were born when I was in my late teens so we were never close. And 1 who I speak to a few times a year and see maybe once a year, he lives in a different country.

DH has 2 siblings who he speaks to occasionally but rarely sees because they live in a different country.

All the only children I know are very happy being onlies. I’ve never heard a child or adult say they wish they had a sibling.

HelenaWilson · 22/08/2026 14:02

His parents didn’t have lots of help from their parents, so he doesn’t see it as alien as I do, when grandparents aren’t fully present, despite living nearby (his).

But you said his parents are mid-70s. You couldn't really expect them to be ready and able to help with a baby/toddler If you were to have another child.

VickyEadie · 22/08/2026 14:09

Greeneyes12 · 22/08/2026 09:59

OP can I just add that I was also you a while ago, I have one DD. She’s also 8 now. I worried a lot about her future then someone said to me, you need to live 80% for now, 10% for the past and 10% for the future. You have absolutely no idea what the future holds so you cant foresee and plan for all eventualities. It’s a bit different for me as I’m really happy now with one (life is so chill and fun!) but I did worry about her in the future. I spoke to two adults who are only children, one told me they loved it and one said she didn’t know any different and is incredibly close to her parents, they both have their own families now and one has chosen to have one. Honestly if you had more than one your worries would just move onto something else - especially if they didn’t get on, you suddenly couldn’t give either of them the attention they needed, you had a horrendous pregnancy/birth, you had another ND child etc etc you would just worry about something else. Try and enjoy your child now and all this time you can spend with him xx

This is an excellent response.

I have an old secondary school friend who is an only child. I spent a lot of weekends and parts of holidays staying with her and we both loved it. She said recently that she never minded being an only child precisely because her parents really encouraged her to have friends round and to stay over.

Of course, she's kept many friends from childhood (we're both 68 now) and has her own family, plus grandchildren.

EtoileLune · 22/08/2026 14:17

OP I desperately wanted a second child and dh was dead against for a long time. Eventually we did ttc again when dc was 7/8 but was unsuccessful and as time marched on we drew a line under it.

Now a few more years down the road I am at peace with the outcome but it wasnt easy. However l, having another baby was for me/dh (when he finally came on board) not dc. There is no guarantee they would like their sibling. The sibling may move to australia aged 19. Your dc may move across the world... and now age 8 the gap is quite significant. Either seek therapy to deal with the decision or consider whats the next step if you really need another dc in your life?

Catza · 22/08/2026 18:08

I don't know a single adult who resents their parents for not giving them a sibling. I am the only child and very happy with that. In fact, when I went away with my cousin at the age of 16, I quite clearly remember thinking "thank god I don't have to put up with another person on the regular".

Mackerelfillets · 22/08/2026 18:22

TeaAndSympathies · 21/08/2026 12:03

@AnneLovesGilbert
His reasons are:

  1. He’s 45, so 8 years older than me and doesn’t want to start the baby stage again now.
  2. I struggled a lot post partum and he found it really difficult as my mental health was not good. I have since been diagnosed with AuDHD.
  3. We both struggled with our DS’s lack of sleep and needing a lot of stimulation, he’s very likely got ADHD and Autism too and is on the waiting list.
  4. He always says our DS is perfect & he doesn’t see the need for another
  5. Financially we aren’t in a great place, but I know lots of people who have had DC and are in a worse position than us.
  6. We have very little support, almost non existent, except his parents who are mid seventies and aren’t really available much at all. My family don’t live near us.

So I guess I’m dealing with a kind of grief around how I thought my life would be and how it’s turned out.

I agree with your huband. Neurodiverse kids are very hard work. I had 2 plus another with a mild learning disability. Although I love all my kids on reflection it was just a hard slog bringing them up and having less would have been much easier.

whynotwhatknot · 22/08/2026 18:25

my niece and nephew are 7 years apart. nephew moved out and they hardly see each other . having a sibling doesn't mean he wouldn't be alone

Tablesandchairs23 · 22/08/2026 18:31

All the reasons you've listed sound valid. At his age o don't blame him for not wanting to start again. Have you not hsd this conversation in the last 8 years.

YourWinter · 22/08/2026 18:32

It’s entirely reasonable for anyone to not want to be doing the primary school run in their 50s, still needing a babysitter (because the elder child cannot and should not be the default babysitter), having a 16 year old wanting lifts or to be picked up from evenings out when there’s a primary aged child in bed - and what if you end up a single parent with kids of such different ages?

Sunnibee · 22/08/2026 18:38

SiberFox · 21/08/2026 12:33

Been there OP. My husband wouldn’t have a 2nd and I knew that I’d never break up the family for that. I grieved for about a year with many tears and pain when seeing larger happy families, then it gradually got better. 3 years later I still occasionally wish I had another but for majority of the time I’m just very happy to have my daughter and there is no longing for another child. I had recurrent miscarriage before having her and I thank the universe every day that I’ve been able to become a mum. My two best friends couldn’t because of infertility for one and partner not wanting children at all for the other. It’s very hard to count your blessings when you are deep in grief - and you need to go through it properly, but you can heal and feel at peace with your cards and happy.

Did you not resent your partner for putting you through that grief ?

Blades2 · 22/08/2026 18:40

If he doesn’t want any more children, he can have the snip 😊

Scarlettpixie · 22/08/2026 18:41

I am an only child as is my son. I didn't resent my parents for not having another and I am sure my DS won't resent us either (he is 19). Don't get my wrong, I am sometimes a little envious of my best friend who is very close to her siblings but my son's dad has a brother who he never sees and I know plenty of people who are not close to their siblings. There is no guarantee you children will be close when you are gone so this feels like an excuse. If you had another, they will still be quite young when your older child goes off to uni/leaves home etc.

I think all of your husband's reasons for not wanting another re well thought out and sound. As with any major life change, one of you gets to veto. I did want another child for a while and it can be consuming but once I had decided it wasn't going to happen (and went on the pill to help with awful periods), I found it quite feeing. Be grateful for what you have OP.

Makebelieveanotherlife · 22/08/2026 19:13

whynotwhatknot · 22/08/2026 18:25

my niece and nephew are 7 years apart. nephew moved out and they hardly see each other . having a sibling doesn't mean he wouldn't be alone

My kids have this gap and it’s something that dawned on us very recently. They will both have a huge chunk of their lives where they won’t grow up in the same home. I’m also struggling to find ANY activities that they both can do. Op will have a larger gap too.

MMUmum · 22/08/2026 19:19

TeaAndSympathies · 21/08/2026 12:03

@AnneLovesGilbert
His reasons are:

  1. He’s 45, so 8 years older than me and doesn’t want to start the baby stage again now.
  2. I struggled a lot post partum and he found it really difficult as my mental health was not good. I have since been diagnosed with AuDHD.
  3. We both struggled with our DS’s lack of sleep and needing a lot of stimulation, he’s very likely got ADHD and Autism too and is on the waiting list.
  4. He always says our DS is perfect & he doesn’t see the need for another
  5. Financially we aren’t in a great place, but I know lots of people who have had DC and are in a worse position than us.
  6. We have very little support, almost non existent, except his parents who are mid seventies and aren’t really available much at all. My family don’t live near us.

So I guess I’m dealing with a kind of grief around how I thought my life would be and how it’s turned out.

Each one of these reasons is valid on it's own, and together they are definitely a warning not to have more children, do you think counselling would help you to accept this ?

MMUmum · 22/08/2026 19:23

HelenaWilson · 21/08/2026 12:11

I think each of reasons 1-3 on its own is a good enough argument against having a second.

He would be parenting a teenager in his 60s and facing the expensive university years when he'd be looking at planning his retirement.

Myself and Dh did this, I was 42 and he was 53 when Dd unexpectedly arrived. It has been so expensive, tiring and draining through teenage and university years, when we should have been enjoying retirement. We love her so much and will never resent her for it, she has brought so much joy but my word it's hard

August1980 · 22/08/2026 19:28

Are you married to your partner OP. You have listed all very valid points why a second child will be challenging. Don’t have another child just for the sake of keeping your older one company. Unless you are new to mn have you not noticed how people on here hate their siblings?
Give your current child the best life you can so when you both go, he/she will be well balanced emotionally, physically, mentally and if you can financially stable too.

for yourself, get some help - easier said than done! You will get newborn baby cuddles once your friend babies arrive!

GarfieldFan · 22/08/2026 19:30

I understand it is heartbreaking but maybe it is for the best. It's really hard having a child after a long gap especially if there are extra needs in the family (speaking from personal experience). If you are happy in your relationship apart from this have you considered working with children in a pre-school / primary school? Also have you thought about getting a cat? They can be very loving and form close bonds without the demands of a dog. I'm not trying to be flippant at all and it really is down to you and your family. I love having pets and they have been really good to grow up with.

SiberFox · 22/08/2026 19:35

Sunnibee · 22/08/2026 18:38

Did you not resent your partner for putting you through that grief ?

Show quote history

I never felt like he misled me. Like OP’s husband he had good reasons for why not. I appreciate all these reasons now being in a more ‘rational’ headspace vs how I felt initially. He’s a great father and husband.

Greenmouldycheese · 22/08/2026 19:45

TeaAndSympathies · 21/08/2026 12:03

@AnneLovesGilbert
His reasons are:

  1. He’s 45, so 8 years older than me and doesn’t want to start the baby stage again now.
  2. I struggled a lot post partum and he found it really difficult as my mental health was not good. I have since been diagnosed with AuDHD.
  3. We both struggled with our DS’s lack of sleep and needing a lot of stimulation, he’s very likely got ADHD and Autism too and is on the waiting list.
  4. He always says our DS is perfect & he doesn’t see the need for another
  5. Financially we aren’t in a great place, but I know lots of people who have had DC and are in a worse position than us.
  6. We have very little support, almost non existent, except his parents who are mid seventies and aren’t really available much at all. My family don’t live near us.

So I guess I’m dealing with a kind of grief around how I thought my life would be and how it’s turned out.

I can see his reasoning. Having another baby at 45 with no support would be hard work and it sounds like you both had is tough the forst time around. You have to accept his wishes or leave, as heartbreaking as each option is.

Mightymuscle · 22/08/2026 20:33

You need to waken up and stop being so selfish. All the issues you listed you have/ had after your son was born should be enough for you to realise another child could be problematic for you all including your son and another child.

CraftyRetrieverMumma · 22/08/2026 21:11

I can completely understand op. I myself am in a similar situation and nothing anyone can say stops that heartache, however sensible it is. My partner cites similar reasons. As an only child I would prefer to have a sibling now, with aging parents as some kind of support. I am also considering counselling and think it might be the only way to move forward.

Jc2001 · 22/08/2026 21:30

TeaAndSympathies · 21/08/2026 12:22

@LittleMissClutter
I get that , but how do I come to terms with my DS being alone once we’ve gone in the future?

But he won't be alone. He'll have his own family.

ThatLemonBee · 22/08/2026 23:09

This would be a deal breaker for me , yes people are saying for you to accept it but are you able too ? Because many won’t , the same way many do husbands won’t change their mind either .
what happens if down he line you separate and you list the chance to have another child , what happens if you always resent him ?

croydon15 · 22/08/2026 23:58

TeaAndSympathies · 21/08/2026 12:03

@AnneLovesGilbert
His reasons are:

  1. He’s 45, so 8 years older than me and doesn’t want to start the baby stage again now.
  2. I struggled a lot post partum and he found it really difficult as my mental health was not good. I have since been diagnosed with AuDHD.
  3. We both struggled with our DS’s lack of sleep and needing a lot of stimulation, he’s very likely got ADHD and Autism too and is on the waiting list.
  4. He always says our DS is perfect & he doesn’t see the need for another
  5. Financially we aren’t in a great place, but I know lots of people who have had DC and are in a worse position than us.
  6. We have very little support, almost non existent, except his parents who are mid seventies and aren’t really available much at all. My family don’t live near us.

So I guess I’m dealing with a kind of grief around how I thought my life would be and how it’s turned out.

His reasons are quite reasonable, you struggled mentally with your first one perhaps your DP doesn't want a reoccurrence ; your DS has his own problems so you should concentrate on helping him out and not adding to the family.

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