AIBU to struggle with my partner refusing a second child?

[TeaAndSympathies]

What do you do if you want child number two but your partner is dead set against it?

Our son is almost 8, but I’m really struggling with the idea of not ever having another. I don’t know if it’s my age (37) and hormones playing a part.

My partner will only have sex with me using condoms. It’s making me not want to have sex as it’s just upsetting each and every time. Especially during my ovulation.

You have to accept it. It will ruin your marriage if you can't. Maybe some therapy?

You need to make a decision...accept that you have your son and remain with your partner, or if you genuinely can't come to terms with not having another child, look to end your relationship.

Think hard though...if all else is good in your relationship, would you want to break up when having another child is not a certainty?

Noone is unreasonable, you both just want different things, and I think you have to respect your partners wishes if you do remain together, as they shouldn't bring a child into the world if they don't want it

You have to have a deep conversation about his reasons and if he won't change his mind you have to either:

1. accept you'll only have one child.
2. split up the marriage and disrupt your son and hope to find another relationship.
3. sabotage the contraception and deal with the guilt and consequences of that.

If you’re not ttc then of course he’s using condoms, that’s the only reasonable or responsible thing to do. A baby should be wanted by both of its parents. What are his reasons for not wanting a second? How long have you been discussing it?

Surely nunber 3 can't even be a seriously, considered option?

It would be awful for someone to do that. Such a betrayal and vile thing to do to both the partner and potential baby, who deserves to be wanted by both parents

@AnneLovesGilbert
His reasons are:

1. He’s 45, so 8 years older than me and doesn’t want to start the baby stage again now.
2. I struggled a lot post partum and he found it really difficult as my mental health was not good. I have since been diagnosed with AuDHD.
3. We both struggled with our DS’s lack of sleep and needing a lot of stimulation, he’s very likely got ADHD and Autism too and is on the waiting list.
4. He always says our DS is perfect & he doesn’t see the need for another
5. Financially we aren’t in a great place, but I know lots of people who have had DC and are in a worse position than us.
6. We have very little support, almost non existent, except his parents who are mid seventies and aren’t really available much at all. My family don’t live near us.

So I guess I’m dealing with a kind of grief around how I thought my life would be and how it’s turned out.

To be honest, they all sound like very sensible reasons for stopping at 1, I completely agree with him.

All of his reasons make a lot of sense and are all very valid.

Would you consider counselling to help process and accept your feelings?

I think each of reasons 1-3 on its own is a good enough argument against having a second.

He would be parenting a teenager in his 60s and facing the expensive university years when he'd be looking at planning his retirement.

His reasons sound sensible.

I think the fact your child is 8 this also shouldn’t really come as a surprise.

Most people don’t leave such a large gap unless it’s a second family, whoopsie or the sudden shit I’m 40 last hurrah. Because you’re crazy to go back to nappies and sleepless nights.

But you need to decide one and done or leave the relationship.

I am in counselling at the moment, but I’m still struggling to move forward.
A few of my friends are currently pregnant and it’s bringing up all sorts of feelings. Making me sad and feel grief. Also jealousy and making constant comparisons.

I’m sad my son will be alone once we’ve gone. He won’t have any family to support him/be alongside him.
He has 5 cousins currently, but they don’t live nearby. They get on well when they see one another but it’s not the same.

This may get shouted down on here, disagree with me if you choose: how about getting a puppy OP? A super way to nourish your maternal instinct, good for your MH and also a lovely addition for DS.

They are all very valid reasons. I wouldn’t have another child.

It sounds like all of his reasons are very good ones OP.

You can be sad but at the same time know he is right.

He sounds like a very sensible chap and all his reasons are valid.

But obviously that doesn't mean it hurts any less 💐

Tbh those all sound like perfectly reasoned and acceptable arguments against having another child and your partner sounds like he’s got his head firmly screwed on! I think maybe your heart and hormones are ruling your head as bringing another child into being doesn’t sound like a great idea based on your partners reasons! Could a pet be an option?

@LittleMissClutter
I get that , but how do I come to terms with my DS being alone once we’ve gone in the future?

Siblings aren’t always necessarily close especially with an 8 year age gap I doubt they’d have much in common!

I don't know if this will help, but I think of it this way.

There is a version of my life in which more than one child was an option. A less polluted world where I didn't have a long term health condition. Maybe where I had more fun sooner and was ready to settle down earlier. Where all the very good reasons I have for not wanting another child weren't the case.

But having the child won't make any of the valid reasons to not have it magically disappear. It's a spin of the wheel where all those reasons might go away or might not. Likely not, I'm afraid, especially with your husbands' older sperm.

Mourn the other existence, IMO, but don't try and jam and unwanted and unpractical child into this one.

I agree, if budgets and time is available a pet is a perfect compromise. OP gets to nurture another ‘baby’ and DS gets some company.

A sibling doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be alone.

There is no guarantee they would get along as adults or even if they did one could move to Australia for example and he would still be alone.

Don’t have another child to become your child’s hand to hold or career in the future.

To look at the flip side - what does your son’s life look like if you have another autistic and/or ADHD child, potentially with very high or very different needs? There’s plenty of very likely scenarios that don’t result in a happy sibling relationship as adults that is supportive for your son.

I think your DH is making a very sensible decision, for lots of good reasons.

They certainly can. Mine do (26 and 18).

But -OP, in my case DH and I are the same age and were 40 when DS2 was born. I think DH would have said no before he’d reached mid 40s. If I’d struggled when DS1 was born DH would have said no to any more straightaway.

You need to accept it, otherwise you risk a cloud over the parenting experience open to you - try to enjoy DS as much as possible (and consider a pet)!

The best way to minimise the chances he'll be alone as an adult are to love him unconditionally, show him there is no fear in trying new things and meeting new people, bring him up happy and secure so he makes a great friend and partner to the people in his life. If he grows up feeling he isn't enough for the person in the world who is meant to love him the most, he'll take that forward. This is in your control, it's time to focus on what you can change and control (ie not your DH).