AIBU to tell my best friend that I can’t financially level things up between our kids?

[stingyorfair]

Sorry for the length, but I don’t want to drip-feed. Names changed but I’ve added names for clarity.

I’m an only child from a wealthy family. I met my best friend Laura at university, and she later introduced me to her brother Sam. Sam and I eventually got together and married. I’m European, they’re British, if that’s relevant.

Laura has an 8yo DD. Her DD’s dad isn’t involved, but Laura has a lucrative job and family childcare support, so they’re not struggling financially.

Sam and I have 3 DC, aged 10, 8 and 6. The cousins are extremely close and have grown up together. Laura and I are still best friends, spend lots of time together and holiday together a lot: sometimes just Laura, me and the kids, sometimes with Sam too. Sam jokes that he’s a third wheel, and theres an element of truth to it!

I have significantly more money than Laura or Sam. Sam earns more than Laura, and Sam and I keep our finances separate. I’m not getting into the reasons for that (mainly asset protection from my side in case of divorce) - it works for us.

On holidays, I often pay for luxuries for my children that wouldn’t necessarily be affordable or reasonable on Sam’s salary alone: private swimming lessons every day, watersports, tennis coaching, boat trips, horse riding etc.

On holiday if I was doing something with my children, I’d often pay for my niece too. She’s my niece, I love her, and I didn’t want her to be the “poor cousin” watching everyone else have fun. I’ve also paid for Laura, me and the kids to go to Disney or bought expensive kids’ event tickets without expecting anything back. My thinking was largely that my kids have more fun with their cousin, I enjoy Laura’s company, and everyone has a great time, so why not?

But this has now spread beyond holidays. My eldest is 10 and I’m paying for tutoring for the 11+ because she wants to try for two particular schools. I’m also considering buying her a horse because she’s serious about riding, as is my niece.

Laura has now started making comments about her DD missing out and, from what I can tell, thinks I should be doing equivalent things for her DD so the cousins don’t have such a disparity.

The latest issue is private school. Because I’m considering private school for my eldest, there seems to be an expectation that I should at least contribute towards something equivalent for my niece.

This is where I’m struggling. I’m happy to treat my niece sometimes, but I don’t think I’m responsible for replicating every financial advantage I give my own children for another child. If I pay for my daughter’s tutoring, that doesn’t mean I should pay for my niece’s. If I send my daughter to private school, I don’t think I should fund or part-fund my niece’s education too, even if I can afford it.

AIBU to have a proper conversation with Laura and draw that line before this becomes an expectation? I really don’t want this to damage what is otherwise an incredibly close friendship. It’s hard to pretend that I don’t get the hints because Laura knows me enough to know that I will get them.

I also don’t really want to go through Sam. Laura and I have a relationship in our own right, so I’d much rather speak to her directly. But I do wonder whether part of the expectation comes from the fact that we’re family through Sam - so is this actually something Sam should be involved in, rather than it being between Laura and me?

It would be fucking mental to expect a siblings spouse to buy your of a horse or pay for private school for them.

It would be fucking stupid to be the siblings spouse and to actually pay it

The expectation comes via family but you've got the relationship so fine to have the convo especially since finances are separate.

I think the fact that you're related through Sam is a red herring. Most siblings don't use their household finances to equalise the finances of each other, unless there's a specific cultural reason for it.
Funding regular costs is very different to one off treats. Your friend needs to accept a day to day lifestyle within her own financial means. Anything above that, such as trips out, is a bonus.

I agree. Can't help feeling sorry for your husband though. Doesn't sound much of a partnership. But different strokes and all that.
Yanbu to not but a horse or private school for your niece though. That is crazy. Unless your assets is 50 million.

I think you should let Sam know you will be having the convo with his sister.

Not unreasonable but sometimes head-on conversations cause more harm than good. You might be better off dealing with it iteratively by omission and by individual situation, rather than accusing her of making unreasonable demands. You don’t want to end your friendship. You might also express frustration to her about someone else with FOMO and how that can put strain on a friendship. She might reflect on her own FOMO.

These days many state schools are better than private schools. Especially if you are in an 11+ area. And all kids are different. What’s right for each of your children may not be right for hers.

YANBU - don’t engage. I wouldn’t even bring it up with her. Address it if she asks outright but otherwise you may be creating an issue or embarrassment where there is none.

You could start by pointing out that you have 3 children to raise.. and that will be ongoing for many years to come.
The expectations are completely out of line with reality.. a firm conversation to close it all down is needed asap.
Have no guilt.

Totally not being unreasonable. Sounds like some blurred boundaries and skewed expectations here op.

Leave it to Sam imo, even if you are best friends there are some things that would perhaps be better coming from her brother. She is being extremely unreasonable.

I think however you handle this situation, unless you do decide to pay for your nieces schooling and so on, it is going to way change things with Laura. It definitely will. You can ignore the hints and she will become resentful, ask your DH to get you to contribute, etc. You have a chat with her and it won’t end well either.

You have been too generous up to now and created a situation that has become an expectation.

I agree that it depends slightly on your assets. If you’re ridiculously wealthy why not create a small trust fund for your niece? It sounds like you are a really close family. You do need to have that very honest direct conversation with Laura though so the gift is clearly defined and it doesn’t spiral.

I don’t think you need to say anything unless she specifically asks. Which you’ve said she hasn’t. To sit her down for such a talk on the basis of “hints” could go badly, and whilst it is just hints and feelings she has complete deniability.

It’s crazy that anyone could think you would buy your niece anything other than occasional treats. So I wonder if there isn’t a bit of misplaced guilt and projection from you.

You Laura and Sam need to sit down and have a proper conversation about this. I don't think there should be any expectation that the kids do the same life stuff like schools, horse riding lessons etc. If you are choosing to spend time together, you should make sure the kids get to have the same things. For example, if you go to the beach together, they get the same number and size of ice-cream, both have the same amount to spend in the arcades, or both or neither go on pony rides or bowling or to the cinema. Not for the life stuff though.

@H202too
which part exactly are you feeling sorry for him about? 😂
The fact that we’ve somehow managed to avoid all the usual in-law drama and I actually want his family around us all the time? Or the fact that my money means his children have more opportunities and he gets to live a significantly more comfortable life than he otherwise would?
I’m genuinely not sure which bit is supposed to have you reaching for the tissues 😂

I might be the outlier here… but it sounds like your lives are completely enmeshed, it’s both your niece and your very best friend’s child who as you said had grown up with your children… I don’t know how wealthy wealthy is in your circumstances, but having a similar situation here (as in my nephew and my children would basically consider each other siblings) I would contribute- I think of him as maybe not fully my own child but not a million miles away and if I could have all 4 at the same level, I would definitely do it

I really don't think its up to Sam to talk to his sister, you were the one that was quite happy spending out while you wanted to but now you want to pull back you can't expect Sam to be the one to tell his sister.

so many on these similar posts at the moment. they all feel made up. I don't get it at all

Why are you telling Laura everything?

There was no need for her to know about the 11+ tutor or that you are thinking about buying a horse.

Should the school convo come up, you should have said DD would like to go to xyz and return the question, where are you planning on sending xyz?

Maybe it’s because you seem quite dismissive about him in your first post …. I’m considering sending her to private school. I’m paying for this that and the other. Not a ‘we’ in sight.

What you already do regarding holidays etc is lovely. But it doesn't mean you have to fund their entire lifestyle - unless you wanted to.

Realistically, where do you draw the line. If you did fund private school fees are you then expected to fund the uniform, and all school trips and extra-curricular expenses? If you bought a horse for your niece, are you then responsible for it's food, shelter and vet bills?

I think you should probably talk it through with your husband before you say anything to your friend/sister-in-law because ultimately it's his sister, not just your friend.

You'll have to discuss this with Sam.

I do have a young family member who has had their private school payed for by their aunt's husband. however this man is extremely wealthy & they are unable to have children, and importantly, he suggested it !

You are going to have to tell Laura, that as much as you love treating her DD, you will not be willing or able to make everything identical. You will not be buying a pony or paying school fees. She needs to make sure that the DD is not led to believe that this is possible.
what if she has more kids !!!

She is the one damaging this friendship by attempting to use you as a cash cow. Don't worry about upsetting her by saying no - she isn't too bothered about upsetting you by asking, is she?

I don't think I would have the conversation up front though to be honest. I'd blithely ignore all hints (who cares if she knows you understand them?). If a direct request comes through, I'd be tempted to treat it as a joke... "haha, no of course I'm not in a position to support anyone else's kids... how's the running going?"

She’s not pulling back, she’s happy to provide what she normally does, it’s the hints for private schooling and a horse.

Honestly OP I’d just ignore it, she’s trying to make you offer it, if she wants to ask she’s going to have to do it outright and she’ll know it makes her sound grabby so probably won’t.

@Candleabra
The hints are pretty obvious… so for example my daughter mentioned in front of Laura that we are in discussions about buying a horse (discussions only between my daughter, myself and Sam so far, no actual horse found). To which Laura says “wouldn’t it be nice if the girls both owned one each?”

Or with schools, when we discussed which school my eldest will go to, Laura said something along the lines of “yeah I’d love for DD to go there too, and it’d be possible, with a bit of help” then gave me a look that lasted a little too long as if to suggest that the help is me…