AIBU to tell my best friend that I can’t financially level things up between our kids?

[stingyorfair]

Sorry for the length, but I don’t want to drip-feed. Names changed but I’ve added names for clarity.

I’m an only child from a wealthy family. I met my best friend Laura at university, and she later introduced me to her brother Sam. Sam and I eventually got together and married. I’m European, they’re British, if that’s relevant.

Laura has an 8yo DD. Her DD’s dad isn’t involved, but Laura has a lucrative job and family childcare support, so they’re not struggling financially.

Sam and I have 3 DC, aged 10, 8 and 6. The cousins are extremely close and have grown up together. Laura and I are still best friends, spend lots of time together and holiday together a lot: sometimes just Laura, me and the kids, sometimes with Sam too. Sam jokes that he’s a third wheel, and theres an element of truth to it!

I have significantly more money than Laura or Sam. Sam earns more than Laura, and Sam and I keep our finances separate. I’m not getting into the reasons for that (mainly asset protection from my side in case of divorce) - it works for us.

On holidays, I often pay for luxuries for my children that wouldn’t necessarily be affordable or reasonable on Sam’s salary alone: private swimming lessons every day, watersports, tennis coaching, boat trips, horse riding etc.

On holiday if I was doing something with my children, I’d often pay for my niece too. She’s my niece, I love her, and I didn’t want her to be the “poor cousin” watching everyone else have fun. I’ve also paid for Laura, me and the kids to go to Disney or bought expensive kids’ event tickets without expecting anything back. My thinking was largely that my kids have more fun with their cousin, I enjoy Laura’s company, and everyone has a great time, so why not?

But this has now spread beyond holidays. My eldest is 10 and I’m paying for tutoring for the 11+ because she wants to try for two particular schools. I’m also considering buying her a horse because she’s serious about riding, as is my niece.

Laura has now started making comments about her DD missing out and, from what I can tell, thinks I should be doing equivalent things for her DD so the cousins don’t have such a disparity.

The latest issue is private school. Because I’m considering private school for my eldest, there seems to be an expectation that I should at least contribute towards something equivalent for my niece.

This is where I’m struggling. I’m happy to treat my niece sometimes, but I don’t think I’m responsible for replicating every financial advantage I give my own children for another child. If I pay for my daughter’s tutoring, that doesn’t mean I should pay for my niece’s. If I send my daughter to private school, I don’t think I should fund or part-fund my niece’s education too, even if I can afford it.

AIBU to have a proper conversation with Laura and draw that line before this becomes an expectation? I really don’t want this to damage what is otherwise an incredibly close friendship. It’s hard to pretend that I don’t get the hints because Laura knows me enough to know that I will get them.

I also don’t really want to go through Sam. Laura and I have a relationship in our own right, so I’d much rather speak to her directly. But I do wonder whether part of the expectation comes from the fact that we’re family through Sam - so is this actually something Sam should be involved in, rather than it being between Laura and me?

This, basically.

She's taking advantage.

I'd probably give her a wide berth from now on - if she is cheeky enough to mention it, I'd say ''oh, it's family money paying for the horse/private school'.

And leave it at that

It's really normal for siblings and their families to be at different economic levels. Dh has one sister who is very well off and another who has had some ups and downs as have we. Our DC are all fond of each other, all attended different schools and had different holidays and opportunities. No-one has ever made a fuss or expected to have something paid for. Everyone makes different choices in life about partner, work and study and everyone has things happen they can't control. Siblings are not required to level up each other's children.

If you can easily afford it why wouldn't you do it? Of course you're under no obligation, but if I could afford it, I'd do it, and it sounds like you wouldn't miss the money.

I don’t get a clear sense from your post whether private schools for your kids will eat up most of your assets, or be a small proportion of them.

If it’s the second one, I would consider creating a trust for your niece to support her schooling. Although you’re best friends it is the family link which is causing the expectation.

I think that her mum’s hints have irritated you, which is making you want to push back against her. But realistically if you would otherwise have supported her schooling then you should go ahead and do so. I’d also make clear that the trust fund is all of the money, and that she can’t expect more for uni/house deposit so mum needs to save for those herself.

I don’t feel like horses and tutors and holidays come into the same camp, and those need to be paid for by her mum if she wants them.

Laura is her best friend.

But not for much longer....

Meh

It depends how rich you are. But I’d consider help with housing DN later as more important. Can you afford both?

i know loads of families where aunts and uncles have chipped in for schooling fees, not to mention grandparents. It’s normal in the middle class, and essential in first property purchase.

You know this. Your family gave you your money.

(I know a family where the aunt paid school fees for DNs because she didn’t want to give it to the taxman - see what you can give tax free)

it’s also normal for siblings to have different lifestyles, although I’d expect family to help out if one was on skid row or hit with ill health. Not for a pony.

Remember that being the poor relation is no joke, and that your DC might well prefer a close cousin relationship for life, rather than a childhood playmate who’s since been slung to the opposite end of the social scale. Families need each other.

However, a bit of expectation management won’t go amiss. I’d tell Laura what your limits are given your expenses for three kids.

Since she's not only your Sil but also a dear friend I think an honest conversation needs to take place;

"Laura, you know I love you and niece. Due to my financial situation I am more than happy to invite you and niece to activities as I have in the past but when I feel uncomfortable if there is an expectation on your side for me to fund your child's schooling or leisures. Even Sam doesn't "expect" me to fund things. I'm happy to be generous but I want it to be my decision and not something you expect from me."

Yanbu obviously. But I can sort of understand why Laura would hope for you to pay for her child if you are extremely wealthy and you are so close. But secretly hoping for is one thing- giving obvious hints or asking you is rude, entitled and just wrong.

One more thought- lots can change in friendships between girls, even those raised closely. How would you feel paying school fees if the girls have completely fallen out and one of them is bullying or excluding the other?

This is one of the weirder posts I've ever seen (assuming it's even real). Forget Laura. You sound like you have control issues and a very odd and unhealthy relationship with both money and your husband. Him expecting you to provide something he might believe is necessary or desirable, that seems to be easily within your means, for your joint children, would be being an 'entitled brat'? Does he have to submit a request form or a grant application if he thinks you should dip into your separate funds? Or do you get to make all those decisions unilaterally? 'I' seems to be your favourite word. Does being the holder of the purse preclude joint decisions? I do hope Sam is also protecting his assets - or are those considered joint?

And for what it's worth, we've established trust funds for our nieces and nephews. No one is obligated to do that, of course, but we've been very fortunate and our kids will have more than enough. Are you hoarding your money for any specific reason (other than protecting it from Sam)?

Hmmm.....yeah....it's a tough one but if I was super rich so that it didn't affect my standard of living I would probably just help them out. It would give me joy to see niece and sil/bestie happy.... although I'd be a bit peeved if it was simply "expected"

Haven't RTFT but Laura is a brass necked CF who has expectations of your wealth OP. No doubt she'll be expecting you to leave an equal share in your will to her dd. You need to rein in all of the 'perks' Laura is benefitting from, she doesn't see them as gifts, she sees it as her right.Does she do anything for you in any attempt to repay your generosity?
You need to play dumb to her hints of you feel you cannot speak to her directly.
"Wouldn't it be great it both girls had a pony each?"
"Oh yes, amazing! Where are you thinking to stable dn's pony, we haven't thought ahead that far yet".

"I could afford private school with a bit of help"
"Lovely, are you thinking your parents might help?"

The OP is already helping out! Weekends away, a trip to Disney....Laura already sees OP as a financial institution that she feels entitled to. If she buys DN a horse and helps pay for schooling, where will it end? Funding a gap year abroad? Uni fees? A deposit for a house? Her wedding? Then if OP gets grandchildren she'll have to "make things fair" with Laura's grandchildren.

It depends on your wealth level.

If you have generational wealth (at least £10 million say), I don’t think it would be unreasonable to help your niece out with school fees. A surprising amount of extended family do help with fees.

As for a horse, maybe your niece could ride your daughter’s (not an expert on horses).

As you are close to Laura, you should have an honest conversation with her either way.

Yes, most of us have but we aren’t enmeshed with them to this degree.

That poster isn’t the one asking for advice because her best friend is expecting her to buy her child a pony and pay fir private school, that is happening to you!

People have best friends, but they also have boundaries.

Yeah, I get that....

You’re giving Laura far too much information.
All too enmeshed.
Back off.

Ignore her hints.
You’re not Laura’s cash cow, the cheeky entitled bitch.

To which Laura says “wouldn’t it be nice if the girls both owned one each?”

I think you could respond to these hints obtusely. Eg. "it would, but horses are so expensive! I'm not looking forward to all the bills that come with them. If you think you can afford the costs, we could always horse hunt together."

“yeah I’d love for DD to go there too, and it’d be possible, with a bit of help” then gave me a look

"There might be bursaries or scholarships, there's probably information on their website about how to apply..."

I agree with this. I think yanbu not to want to. However, I would look at how you can help in a way, that doesn’t disadvantage your family too much.

If ultimately you do, I’d say exactly what I’d help with. Put some boundaries in. And ask her not to give you her you any more hints, that you love your dn. You’ve been super generous and she isn’t your dd.

And if you don’t help, you will have to say the same and that the horse and schooling is too much of a long term commitment. Saying your family is paying for some of this for your dc would be useful. You can make out you’re not as wealthy as you are maybe.

I would, however, offer to pay for the same amount of 11+ tuition as your dd is getting from now until the exams.

And I think you should discuss this all with your dh first. You’re a partnership and a team. Life isn’t just about how much you have.

This is the perfect response!

Laura is taking the piss. End of.

If it’s not something that would break the bank, I’d pay for the private schooling. Education matters, and your own children would benefit too from having a well-educated, well-connected cousin. The horse, though? Absolutely not.

It seems as though some on here are as keen to spend OP’s money as Laura is. 🙄

I wouldn’t have the conversation. I think it’s best ignored. You definitely don’t need to be doing even more for DN than you currently do.

I think this.
She no longer appreciates what you do, but think it is expected because you are family.

I also agree to ignore any comments completely, do not be drawn into any discussion.

If she is so cheeky as to ask outright, which I would expect she will, explain No and that this is not reasonable.

I think you need to prepare yourself that your relationship will change and be damaged by this.

Her expectations and entitlement is so extreme that it is likely to change how you BOTH feel about each other.