AIBU to tell my best friend that I can’t financially level things up between our kids?

[stingyorfair]

Sorry for the length, but I don’t want to drip-feed. Names changed but I’ve added names for clarity.

I’m an only child from a wealthy family. I met my best friend Laura at university, and she later introduced me to her brother Sam. Sam and I eventually got together and married. I’m European, they’re British, if that’s relevant.

Laura has an 8yo DD. Her DD’s dad isn’t involved, but Laura has a lucrative job and family childcare support, so they’re not struggling financially.

Sam and I have 3 DC, aged 10, 8 and 6. The cousins are extremely close and have grown up together. Laura and I are still best friends, spend lots of time together and holiday together a lot: sometimes just Laura, me and the kids, sometimes with Sam too. Sam jokes that he’s a third wheel, and theres an element of truth to it!

I have significantly more money than Laura or Sam. Sam earns more than Laura, and Sam and I keep our finances separate. I’m not getting into the reasons for that (mainly asset protection from my side in case of divorce) - it works for us.

On holidays, I often pay for luxuries for my children that wouldn’t necessarily be affordable or reasonable on Sam’s salary alone: private swimming lessons every day, watersports, tennis coaching, boat trips, horse riding etc.

On holiday if I was doing something with my children, I’d often pay for my niece too. She’s my niece, I love her, and I didn’t want her to be the “poor cousin” watching everyone else have fun. I’ve also paid for Laura, me and the kids to go to Disney or bought expensive kids’ event tickets without expecting anything back. My thinking was largely that my kids have more fun with their cousin, I enjoy Laura’s company, and everyone has a great time, so why not?

But this has now spread beyond holidays. My eldest is 10 and I’m paying for tutoring for the 11+ because she wants to try for two particular schools. I’m also considering buying her a horse because she’s serious about riding, as is my niece.

Laura has now started making comments about her DD missing out and, from what I can tell, thinks I should be doing equivalent things for her DD so the cousins don’t have such a disparity.

The latest issue is private school. Because I’m considering private school for my eldest, there seems to be an expectation that I should at least contribute towards something equivalent for my niece.

This is where I’m struggling. I’m happy to treat my niece sometimes, but I don’t think I’m responsible for replicating every financial advantage I give my own children for another child. If I pay for my daughter’s tutoring, that doesn’t mean I should pay for my niece’s. If I send my daughter to private school, I don’t think I should fund or part-fund my niece’s education too, even if I can afford it.

AIBU to have a proper conversation with Laura and draw that line before this becomes an expectation? I really don’t want this to damage what is otherwise an incredibly close friendship. It’s hard to pretend that I don’t get the hints because Laura knows me enough to know that I will get them.

I also don’t really want to go through Sam. Laura and I have a relationship in our own right, so I’d much rather speak to her directly. But I do wonder whether part of the expectation comes from the fact that we’re family through Sam - so is this actually something Sam should be involved in, rather than it being between Laura and me?

It’s sad bc you’d be forgiven for thinking that your whole friendship may have had an element (if not basis) of her being more interested in you bc of the financial perks she got from being your close friend. I hope for your sake that’s not the case

I’m in a similar position to your friend, my BIL is incredibly wealthy. I would never expect him to provide anything like this, and if he offered I’d politely decline the kindness. You’re super lovely to provide all the holidays and treats but definitely don’t feel you need to go further!

Yes, but if said friend couldn’t afford the things for her child that I was giving my dd, I would be more compassionate and less braggy.

Once the children go to different schools and do separate activities they will naturally grow apart as will you and SIL. It’s easy to keep in touch while they are young.
If you want to remain in constant contact I think you should consider contributing.

Your situation sounds very unique and you are very lucky to rear your family with cousins close by.

I think you have as much to lose as she does.
Maybe she isn’t greedy, maybe she doesn’t want to lose what ye have.

I wouldn't tackle it head on unless she directly asks you, in which case give a direct reply. And keep your reasoning to 'I cannot afford to give anymore'. Don't go into detail or permit probing into your finances, if you've been indiscreet about them in the past, simply tell her that circumstances have changed (markets etc).

Just ignore the comments or give a breezy response before moving the conversation on.

I suspect if you have to have a direct conversation about it, it's going to impact your friendship as she clearly has over-developed expectations.

YANBU however, just to note it’s a big transition to go to high school & I’m sure your. niece is at the heart of this. Your friend must have some amount of mum-guilt here & underneath doesn’t want things to change. Things will- the uk is very classist in a way Europeans are not. So perhaps the conversation should be more about how the kids are doing with the transition and what’s on her/your mind, what is she worried about? Not necessarily fixing anything or laying out boundaries. If it comes to it and she asks yes you say you have 2 other kids and you don’t know what path they will take yet, you couldn’t commit to putting x through school at this time is all you need say, you will be there for her in all the ways you can. If the girls stick together and you show them your sister/friend relationship isn’t affected by what school they go to (important) they will get the best from both worlds.

She's a leach.

Tricky.
Above all else you want Laura to keep her self respect and you want DN to receive a very good education.
Accompany Laura and kids to events that she can afford. Ensure your children do not always expect the best or they will be ignorant of normality and could scoff at your neice's friends and not learn reward for their own efforts.

Choose what is most valuable to splurge on.
Education is important.
Can you discuss options of other very good schools nearby that are affordable for DN and encourage Laura to apply?
Don't offer to pay private fees.
Don't buy DN a horse but pay for some lessons for her birthday. You are not benefactor but Aunt.

Expenses never end. Don't set up the expectation that DN is your responsibility.
Though I would not state that to Laura. That would be unkind. Just always help her make the most of her own budget like any friend would.

Yep, if you are as filthy rich as it seems then why not. DD would benefit from DN also having a horse and being at the same school too

No good deed goes unpunished.

Laura is an entitled CF who sees you as a cash cow, OP.

Am I the only one thinking these hints are preposterous? It’s making me think Cheryl from the Royle Family.
”Ooh, I’d love it if someone would give me £40000 a year”
”Ooh I tell you what, if you get a horse and she doesn’t want it, I’ll have it”

Maybe avoid a direct conversation as it’s very hard to see how she even began thinking this way!

You're doing way too much for your niece. Her mother has grown accustomed to your generosity and now sees it as an entitlement rather than a nice gesture. You need to set some really clear boundaries now, by stopping ALL contributions towards your niece. Even the small ones. Laura needs this shock to be reminded that her daughter isn't your responsibility.

Please learn from this experience. It's good to be nice, but you've been a fool. Never ever subsidise someone else's lifestyle. It's not your job to provide for any kids but your own.

It's easy to spend other people's money, isn't it?

Why not, you ask. Because it's not OP's child, and the child is not even a blood relative. Why on earth should OP spend her family money on other people? Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should do it

Laura is also acting very entitled, which is not a good idea to feed with more generosity. Where will she draw the line if this continues? OP will be expected to pay for Laura's kid's university? Wedding? House? No, this nonsense stops now.

You say you are from a wealthy family but you don’t say that you have a high-paying job. Therefore, isn’t this actually your parents’ money we are talking about here? What do they think, or are they no longer alive?

The way you are wondering about whether or not to involve your husband in this discussion is very odd. OK, so you and he have agreed to ringfence your family money, but he still benefits from it as part of your marriage and the fact that this money is available has clearly influenced joint decisions that you and he have made. So it stands to reason that if some of that money is spent on your niece, less is available for you, Sam and your children. So the situation does affect him, even if we put to one side the fact that Laura is his sister.

I would too.

YANBU. I think a sensitive and grown-up conversation with Laura is an excellent way to deal with it. Draw a clear line.

With the horse I would consider letting them share it, only because it's probably more fun for your DD. Horses are a lot of work and sharing that with her cousin will also be of help I would have thought. I would suggest a financial contribution from Laura, but maybe not 50/50.

The private school thing is ridiculous though.

You need Sam to understand what and why you’ll be saying things to Laura.

You need to make boundaries clear about paying for niece as I think you have kind of made a rod for your own back.
If you have told Laura you don’t wat DN ‘missing out’ on what her cousins are doing (Disney/ horse riding etc) then I can see why Laura has asked although I do think of course you shouldn’t fund DN education!

Laura may get funny with you.

Argh I didn’t mean your niece has anything to do with it in a negative way but I guess they talk - the girls!- and I’m sure your own daughter has said some stuff to your niece/ vice versa about how they want it to play out. With your update on hints I don’t think you have much choice but to have the talk - definitely talk to your husband first and see what he thinks (maybe he would want to support his niece…) and if he does, or if it was your niece who came to you privately- would that change your own financial boundary?

Is she not likely to see this?

Don't say anything to Laura until she asks outright for financial support for her daughter.

Ignore hints and don't ruminate on them or read too much into them.

If she asks outright, that is the time to have the talk. In the meantime, she may well hear herself dropping hints and wonder if she's out of order.

Oh gawd, how awful.
And to do it in front of the girls is ten times worse, planting a hint of a possibility in her daughter’s mind (unless she’s already been assured that you’ll stump up!!)
Were I already feeling inclined to lavish anything on Laura’s child, those ghastly wheedling hints would have clamped shut my wallet for good. Best pal or no.

I say let the anger build up in Laura and her dd and let them use that to rage-ace the 11+ and save up for an even bigger horse than yours. Then they will leave you alone but they will also feel superior when the niece got the grammar and yours had to go private and her (shire?) horse is significantly bigger than your dd's pony. She can trot by and look in your bedroom window very smugly.

She is very ballsy. You might have to come out and say you have 3 kids and they are your priority.

Tell her it's your family that are paying for the horse and private school, as you said your family have money too.

I would offer to help with the education but not the horse; if your lives weren’t already so enmeshed then obviously not but the “disparity” created by different educational experiences will build a wall between you and Laura and the children. There will be resentment and even if she gets over it there will be a natural distance away from each other as the children get older and become more involved with their school. And it will likely progress from there.

A similar situation happened in my husband’s family but the levelling up happened because the rich side didn’t go to university and squandered their money and the “poor” side went to Oxbridge.