AIBU to tell my best friend that I can’t financially level things up between our kids?

[stingyorfair]

Sorry for the length, but I don’t want to drip-feed. Names changed but I’ve added names for clarity.

I’m an only child from a wealthy family. I met my best friend Laura at university, and she later introduced me to her brother Sam. Sam and I eventually got together and married. I’m European, they’re British, if that’s relevant.

Laura has an 8yo DD. Her DD’s dad isn’t involved, but Laura has a lucrative job and family childcare support, so they’re not struggling financially.

Sam and I have 3 DC, aged 10, 8 and 6. The cousins are extremely close and have grown up together. Laura and I are still best friends, spend lots of time together and holiday together a lot: sometimes just Laura, me and the kids, sometimes with Sam too. Sam jokes that he’s a third wheel, and theres an element of truth to it!

I have significantly more money than Laura or Sam. Sam earns more than Laura, and Sam and I keep our finances separate. I’m not getting into the reasons for that (mainly asset protection from my side in case of divorce) - it works for us.

On holidays, I often pay for luxuries for my children that wouldn’t necessarily be affordable or reasonable on Sam’s salary alone: private swimming lessons every day, watersports, tennis coaching, boat trips, horse riding etc.

On holiday if I was doing something with my children, I’d often pay for my niece too. She’s my niece, I love her, and I didn’t want her to be the “poor cousin” watching everyone else have fun. I’ve also paid for Laura, me and the kids to go to Disney or bought expensive kids’ event tickets without expecting anything back. My thinking was largely that my kids have more fun with their cousin, I enjoy Laura’s company, and everyone has a great time, so why not?

But this has now spread beyond holidays. My eldest is 10 and I’m paying for tutoring for the 11+ because she wants to try for two particular schools. I’m also considering buying her a horse because she’s serious about riding, as is my niece.

Laura has now started making comments about her DD missing out and, from what I can tell, thinks I should be doing equivalent things for her DD so the cousins don’t have such a disparity.

The latest issue is private school. Because I’m considering private school for my eldest, there seems to be an expectation that I should at least contribute towards something equivalent for my niece.

This is where I’m struggling. I’m happy to treat my niece sometimes, but I don’t think I’m responsible for replicating every financial advantage I give my own children for another child. If I pay for my daughter’s tutoring, that doesn’t mean I should pay for my niece’s. If I send my daughter to private school, I don’t think I should fund or part-fund my niece’s education too, even if I can afford it.

AIBU to have a proper conversation with Laura and draw that line before this becomes an expectation? I really don’t want this to damage what is otherwise an incredibly close friendship. It’s hard to pretend that I don’t get the hints because Laura knows me enough to know that I will get them.

I also don’t really want to go through Sam. Laura and I have a relationship in our own right, so I’d much rather speak to her directly. But I do wonder whether part of the expectation comes from the fact that we’re family through Sam - so is this actually something Sam should be involved in, rather than it being between Laura and me?

Next time it comes up either explicitly or implied, immediately stop the conversation and ask her to explain what she means. “I m not sure what you’re saying, can you explain that to me”. That creates an opportunity to set the boundary on expenses. No horse no tuition. Distinguish between one time gifts and paying nieces living expenses. You can discuss scholarship opportunities (research these now so you have information available). Unfortunately your niece is the “poor” cousin in comparison to your children. The girls are getting to an age where their lives will be diverging and that makes the conversation timely. Hopefully the inlaws aren’t expecting you to pay for nieces uni and wedding!

We don't keep separate funds, but I understand that works for many couples. However, do you not make joint decisions regarding your children? Or does the higher earner (assuming there is one) get to take all the decisions because they hold the purse strings? Is one of you dependent on the benevolence of the other for your children's well being? Assuming you felt your children would be better off in private school and you could easily fund it, would you consider your spouse an entitled brat for wanting that?

Sam would not send 3 children to private school on his salary. I wouldn’t expect him to. Equally he wouldn’t expect me to pay for the same, unless I wanted to, because he’s a normal person and not an entitled brat. I want to. He’s happy about this.

It's a bizarre way to talk about your family. But then, I'm also of the opinion this thread is made up.

OP, just tell Laura you've sustained losses over the past year and your financial advisors have cautioned you that discretionary spending funds are more limited. Unless you're on the Sunday Times rich list she'll have no way of knowing.

That's kind and generous. 🩷
Do you have your own children?

It might be difficult for the niece, but it's her mother's job to help her deal with the disparity.
OP married her partner. She didn't marry into the family to subsidize them.
And it absolutely is different receiving money from your parents.

Nah… I can’t believe this is true.