AIBU to tell my best friend that I can’t financially level things up between our kids?

[stingyorfair]

Sorry for the length, but I don’t want to drip-feed. Names changed but I’ve added names for clarity.

I’m an only child from a wealthy family. I met my best friend Laura at university, and she later introduced me to her brother Sam. Sam and I eventually got together and married. I’m European, they’re British, if that’s relevant.

Laura has an 8yo DD. Her DD’s dad isn’t involved, but Laura has a lucrative job and family childcare support, so they’re not struggling financially.

Sam and I have 3 DC, aged 10, 8 and 6. The cousins are extremely close and have grown up together. Laura and I are still best friends, spend lots of time together and holiday together a lot: sometimes just Laura, me and the kids, sometimes with Sam too. Sam jokes that he’s a third wheel, and theres an element of truth to it!

I have significantly more money than Laura or Sam. Sam earns more than Laura, and Sam and I keep our finances separate. I’m not getting into the reasons for that (mainly asset protection from my side in case of divorce) - it works for us.

On holidays, I often pay for luxuries for my children that wouldn’t necessarily be affordable or reasonable on Sam’s salary alone: private swimming lessons every day, watersports, tennis coaching, boat trips, horse riding etc.

On holiday if I was doing something with my children, I’d often pay for my niece too. She’s my niece, I love her, and I didn’t want her to be the “poor cousin” watching everyone else have fun. I’ve also paid for Laura, me and the kids to go to Disney or bought expensive kids’ event tickets without expecting anything back. My thinking was largely that my kids have more fun with their cousin, I enjoy Laura’s company, and everyone has a great time, so why not?

But this has now spread beyond holidays. My eldest is 10 and I’m paying for tutoring for the 11+ because she wants to try for two particular schools. I’m also considering buying her a horse because she’s serious about riding, as is my niece.

Laura has now started making comments about her DD missing out and, from what I can tell, thinks I should be doing equivalent things for her DD so the cousins don’t have such a disparity.

The latest issue is private school. Because I’m considering private school for my eldest, there seems to be an expectation that I should at least contribute towards something equivalent for my niece.

This is where I’m struggling. I’m happy to treat my niece sometimes, but I don’t think I’m responsible for replicating every financial advantage I give my own children for another child. If I pay for my daughter’s tutoring, that doesn’t mean I should pay for my niece’s. If I send my daughter to private school, I don’t think I should fund or part-fund my niece’s education too, even if I can afford it.

AIBU to have a proper conversation with Laura and draw that line before this becomes an expectation? I really don’t want this to damage what is otherwise an incredibly close friendship. It’s hard to pretend that I don’t get the hints because Laura knows me enough to know that I will get them.

I also don’t really want to go through Sam. Laura and I have a relationship in our own right, so I’d much rather speak to her directly. But I do wonder whether part of the expectation comes from the fact that we’re family through Sam - so is this actually something Sam should be involved in, rather than it being between Laura and me?

Their families do sound enmeshed, but I would t look to extend that further so much as take a step back. There will be many things your children have access to that your niece won’t - are you going to equalise all of it? Private school, university costs, house deposits, first cars?

I think spending on expensive holidays etc has created an expectation that you’re clearly uncomfortable with, I’d start doing joint things within his sisters means and making treats attached to birthdays etc.

This is a big problem with financial disparity. Instead of appreciating how generous you have been, she’s becoming resentful because she thinks you should provide more.

If you provide more, then that sense of entitlement with grow.

YANBU. I would be clear with her now. How much money you have is utterly irrelevant, your wealth is not hers to law claim to. You are not a cash cow.

The answer to ‘if you loved us you would want to..!’ is ‘if you loved me you would not look to take advantage’.

You do know that your in-laws are British and European at the same time, just like you are European and also 'whatever country you come from' - I'm confused as to why you wrote 'I'm not sure if that's relevant' - why would it be? You're all European. Why not just say, I'm from xxx country & they're British if you feel you need to make a distinction - again, from the content of your post I'm not sure why it's mentionable?

Anyways, to the actual point of your post, it sounds more like a humble brag than a real dilemma. You already know what you think is right and you already know what you want to do, so do it.

@Pigginbeautiful
Laura and I spend quite a bit of time together, we do chat a lot and I probably know more about her than her own brother does (at least on the more current personal topics, dating, health, niece’s health, niece’s behaviour or arguments with mum etc).

it would be very odd, given how we are, if I suddenly became secretive or distant.

Where will it end? Will you pay for her wedding? Buy her a house? I think there is a clear distinction between treats and gifts and the actual structure of someone's life, eg school fees.

@TheJoyousHiker
Sam would not send 3 children to private school on his salary. I wouldn’t expect him to. Equally he wouldn’t expect me to pay for the same, unless I wanted to, because he’s a normal person and not an entitled brat. I want to. He’s happy about this.

I agree with this.

You say that she's hinting and that because you've known each other so long, you are picking up on the hints. Just ignore them. If you need a reason - the rationale is that it would be completely and utterly unreasonable for her to expect you to finance education or a horse for her child.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

And get your "no" ready in case she really does have the audacity to ask you directly.

Hmm.. with you being such good friends, this is quite tricky.
Normally I would say you don't need to bring it up and explain yourself. But, you might feel your friendship is strong enough and also that you share some responsibility for this expectation, through your generosity and your sharing of information about the extent of your wealth.

You could manage your SIL's expectations by setting out how you see your financial support for your DN going up to adulthood. This could be prompted for example by letting her know you'd like to pay for Disney/pony club/special holiday October half term or whatever. You could say how you enjoy treating DN and you never want the cousins to not share the same holiday experiences. Acknowledge that you are very privileged and you know you're able to give your 3 kids different opportunities than most. And what you'd like to do for DN is [insert here: trust fund, savings account for uni, one off payment now for her teens/early adulthood?]

And somehow make it clear that that's it. You can never raise DN with the same wealth and privilege as her cousins, because she doesn't have it. If you and Sam divorce, or Sam and Laura fall out, etc then your relationship with DN is suddenly very different.
But don't be under any illusion about how it will change the relationship between the cousins. If your DC go to independent school and have all the extra privilege as teens and young adults, they will grow apart from DN. They will be in different worlds. You can't prevent the resentment and the otherness. Your kids will get a massive helping hand in life and DN won't.

Id just brush it off and laugh at her suggestions. She'll get the hint

I think this is good advice, this and the poster you're quoting. If she's embarrassed she'll just point blank deny the obvious fact she's hinting.

It's like trying to explicitly turn someone down who's not asked you out yet - better not done.

Have you ever actually had a best friend

“Ooh…I didn’t know that you were looking at horses! Do let me know which stable (or insert horsey thing here) you decide to go for—we’re only discussing it at this stage, but it would be great if I could (insert horsey thing here) for DD that you’ve chosen for DN!”

Sounds like your past kindness has created a sense of entitlement and it is no longer appreciated, just expected.

Well no, she hasn’t. Lara is the one responsible for her expectations. OP’s generosity is just that - generosity. It isn’t an invitation for Lara to expect these things.

It isn’t on OP to offer any financial support to Lara and her niece.

In your shoes I'd pay. It's only money and you have plenty. Can't take it with you.

Sounds like your past kindness has created a sense of entitlement and it is no longer appreciated, just expected.

”Wouldn’t it be nice if the girls owned one each?” - “Oh, are you thinking about buying your DD a pony too? It’s difficult to find the right one, isn’t it?”

“Yeah I’d love for DD to go there too, and it’d be possible, with a bit of help” - “Well, most private schools do scholarships or bursaries - have you looked into that?”

YANBU - it's lovely that you want to "treat" on holidays, but they surely can't expect you to cough up for expenses such as private school etc, that's beyond demanding and cheeky!
Not your problem, as harsh as that sounds.

I think your money is also your husbands; and he needs to have the chat with her as his sister.. this is super messy and I’m not jealous of you in the slightest - to be honest I don’t really see how you can come out the other side and not damage the relationship…

I would just ignore it and carry on with buying a horse for your own DD and putting your DC into private school. It’s shocking that your SIL would expect you to pay for her DD.

As you are more than financially comfortable is there a possibility that Laura and Sam’s parents could help your niece with some of these costs like private schooling.

It has got to be a wind-up - if even Sam does not have access to your wealth (you write asset protection, separate finances), how the fuck does your sister-in-law lay a claim to your money? It is such a stretch...

Also, you say you want to try to send your oldest to a private school, which means that for now you send her to a state school - so where is this expectation to pay for a niece's private school, if your own go to a bog-standard state school now? Mind-boggling. Truly.

I’m genuinely not sure which bit is supposed to have you reaching for the tissues 😂

I am genuinely curious which country you are from. My guess is France. I think what poster meant is that they feel sad that you don’t feel that strong commitment towards your husband so decided to keep finances separate in preparation for a divorce.

No, this is not your responsibility and it creates an imbalance in your relationship. It becomes less equal once you’re paying for ‘necessities’ rather than the odd luxury. One of my best friends from school has become very, very, wealthy and will sometimes pay to upgrade us to first class flights or pay for the best seats at the theatre / the best suite in the 5* hotel - that sort of thing. And it’s a real treat. We enjoy it and appreciate it but we don’t expect it and it certainly wouldn’t cross my mind to ask for it.

If she was committed to paying my DD’s school fees for 7 years that’s a whole different situation. What if you fell out? What if she started expecting you to pay for the school trips/music lessons/uniform? What if you just wanted to stop paying? It would create a situation where you become the benefactor and she becomes the supplicant. She would be concerned about putting a foot wrong, or worse, take your generosity for granted (it sounds like she’s already doing that). How you say no is tricky, but you have to manage her expectations if you don’t want to become more enmeshed and have her resentful that her DD doesn’t have ‘quite’ the same standards of living as yours.

Ah this is tricky. I think the distinction for the school/ horse thing is that they are long term commitments. I think in your shoes, I would not have a sit down chat. It will embarrass her. Instead, if there is another very direct hint, I would say- sorry I can't help you with that, it is such a long term commitment. I need to start saving for uni etc. And truly, you dont know what's round the corner. The 11+ tutor- if it means she could access a better state school, I would help out if I felt her parents couldn't afford it.