AIBU to tell my best friend that I can’t financially level things up between our kids?

[stingyorfair]

Sorry for the length, but I don’t want to drip-feed. Names changed but I’ve added names for clarity.

I’m an only child from a wealthy family. I met my best friend Laura at university, and she later introduced me to her brother Sam. Sam and I eventually got together and married. I’m European, they’re British, if that’s relevant.

Laura has an 8yo DD. Her DD’s dad isn’t involved, but Laura has a lucrative job and family childcare support, so they’re not struggling financially.

Sam and I have 3 DC, aged 10, 8 and 6. The cousins are extremely close and have grown up together. Laura and I are still best friends, spend lots of time together and holiday together a lot: sometimes just Laura, me and the kids, sometimes with Sam too. Sam jokes that he’s a third wheel, and theres an element of truth to it!

I have significantly more money than Laura or Sam. Sam earns more than Laura, and Sam and I keep our finances separate. I’m not getting into the reasons for that (mainly asset protection from my side in case of divorce) - it works for us.

On holidays, I often pay for luxuries for my children that wouldn’t necessarily be affordable or reasonable on Sam’s salary alone: private swimming lessons every day, watersports, tennis coaching, boat trips, horse riding etc.

On holiday if I was doing something with my children, I’d often pay for my niece too. She’s my niece, I love her, and I didn’t want her to be the “poor cousin” watching everyone else have fun. I’ve also paid for Laura, me and the kids to go to Disney or bought expensive kids’ event tickets without expecting anything back. My thinking was largely that my kids have more fun with their cousin, I enjoy Laura’s company, and everyone has a great time, so why not?

But this has now spread beyond holidays. My eldest is 10 and I’m paying for tutoring for the 11+ because she wants to try for two particular schools. I’m also considering buying her a horse because she’s serious about riding, as is my niece.

Laura has now started making comments about her DD missing out and, from what I can tell, thinks I should be doing equivalent things for her DD so the cousins don’t have such a disparity.

The latest issue is private school. Because I’m considering private school for my eldest, there seems to be an expectation that I should at least contribute towards something equivalent for my niece.

This is where I’m struggling. I’m happy to treat my niece sometimes, but I don’t think I’m responsible for replicating every financial advantage I give my own children for another child. If I pay for my daughter’s tutoring, that doesn’t mean I should pay for my niece’s. If I send my daughter to private school, I don’t think I should fund or part-fund my niece’s education too, even if I can afford it.

AIBU to have a proper conversation with Laura and draw that line before this becomes an expectation? I really don’t want this to damage what is otherwise an incredibly close friendship. It’s hard to pretend that I don’t get the hints because Laura knows me enough to know that I will get them.

I also don’t really want to go through Sam. Laura and I have a relationship in our own right, so I’d much rather speak to her directly. But I do wonder whether part of the expectation comes from the fact that we’re family through Sam - so is this actually something Sam should be involved in, rather than it being between Laura and me?

I haven’t read every single post but I’ve read yours at least.

I don’t think anything you’ve posted sounds unusual or weird. I think you’re generous but within the bounds of normality. Of course you’re not going to buy your niece a horse! But taking your niece on holiday is a nice thing to do and as you’ve said, you get some benefit too.

Speaking as someone who grew up as the increasingly poor relative in a wider rich family, I benefited in lots of ways from the money sloshing about but it would have been pretty odd if my actual life and education had been subsidised by them.

I don’t think you need to have a Big Conversation. Wait until a hint comes up and deal with it then. ‘Oh really, have you got some money coming in? How exciting!’ That sort of thing.

I think OP has set a bit of a dangerous precedent. Is the BFF really a BFF? If OP is that wealthy there's an inherent inequality with OP footing the bill so often. I think the relationship might really be tested if OP refuses to open her wallet. The BFF is hinting, for OP to spend/buy/pay for some fairly massive expenses, fgs. My money is on not true BFF's. I think the BFF/SiL is 🤑

People have a very strange attitude here.

These families are fully enmeshed! OP’s best friend has become her sister in law. And they spend a lot of time as one large extended family.

Obviously, Laura is cheeky to ask. But, at the same time, she is probably sees them as one family.

Again, it really depends how wealthy OP is and whether paying for fees, a horse etc would affect her or her children’s lives. If it wouldn’t affect them at all, I feel that she should want to pay.

And don’t forget, the source of OP’s wealth is her father, whom she is clearly very happy to let subside her life. Is a rich aunt helping out so much worse than a rich father?

You are essentially saying that OP should share her money because it is free to her, because she didn't earn it; that she should want to help out niece and any in-law, really, because why not, she's got all this free money.

She doesn't owe anyone anything.

You sound kind and thoughtful and generous. I don't imagine Laura will take it well when you tell her you are no longer financing her! I think you need to prepare yourself that your relationship with her will change, not for the better.

Are they not your children too?

I'm butt hurt about Brexit too, but I'm sure you realise OP was talking about political/legal identities here rather than geography.

Well if you're confident that she knows you get the hints then just ignoring them is a very clear form of response in itself.

Ignore the hints, don't get into it and carry on with the friendship. Your actions will speak loudly enough. She will get the message and embarrassment will have been avoided. And if she is resentful, well that's hers to deal with.

I think she more means that her life was subsidised by a wealthy family member so is it any different to her nieces life being subsidised by a wealthy family member

You need to rein in both your spending treats and plans with Laura- just because she’s your BF and SIL doesn’t mean you need to share every detail of your life and expenditure. You all sound far too enmeshed to be healthy.

Your DC can do private swim lessons, horse riding lessons and 11+ tuition in your own time, not while on holiday with them so that you feel you need to fund niece too. Treats like the water sports are fun holiday activities but the aforementioned ones are luxuries that you can do in your own time without niece present, and there is no need to announce that you are doing them beforehand. Reduce the entitlement gradually.

If you funded niece for private school what happens if you were to get divorced, fall out badly with SIL, or heaven forbid, you died? How would her education continue to be funded? I’m not sure your side of the family would be happy to continue to fund a child who is not a relative to them, regardless of how much you loved your niece.

To those saying that you should fund private school it’s interesting how MN can turn when there is a sniff of wealth. Usually it’s comments like I don’t believe in private education, I could easily afford it but would never send my DC as I have a moral objection etc. Now there is a hint of the OP being very wealthy and it’s hey, let’s guilt her into spending her money for her.

My DS will be going into the private sector for Y7 due to his inheritance which is held in Trust and may be used for the purpose of education (we would never have afforded otherwise). Do people really understand the costs involved? Where we have chosen is going to cost in excess of £235k for Y7-13 total (not including any fee increases). Add to that the cost of expensive uniform suppliers, fee insurance, trips, extras like House t-shirts and bespoke mouth guards etc - the list goes on. Why on earth should the OP pay all this for a niece? Her side of the family may possibly object anyway unless the OP has free rein on her expenses.

Some people find it so easy to spend other people’s money which is out of order. BF needs to get an even more lucrative job to fund horses and private school if that’s what she aspires to, and ensure that she is receiving CMS from her DD’s DF to contribute to this.

Helpful updates, those do indeed sound like some very heavy hints.

Of course it is not acceptable that she should expect you to fund her daughter/your niece to the same extent. It is lovely that you treat DN now and then. Am mind-boggled at the entitlement.

As it is your money and you have your own relationship with her, I would let your husband know you are going to have the conversation beforehand (and why) and then talk it out directly with her.

I was reading this thinking but she’s not just your best friend. She’s family, your sister in law. I think your husband gets a say.

She is being completely unreasonable expecting anything from you but has perhaps come to expect it after years of you being more than generous. You need to draw the line somewhere, treating your niece to something nice is one thing but you’re not responsible for her education, it’ll never end then it will be uni, then her first car or house etc it will go on forever if you don’t nip it in the bud!

Can you afford it OP? I am unsure how wealthy you are.

if you can I think in your position I would speak to Laura and say you will help with the school fees but that you can’t contribute to equalise them on all other opportunities eg horse, etc. you set a boundary now. If I could afford to help my family out even non blood i would.

Let Sam know and ask for his opinion on how Laura will take it.

However she’s your friend and you probably have a good idea how things will go. If she’s just hinting at the moment then I would say something more in passing casually. If she actually directly says something about you paying thats when to sit her down formally.

It is an enmeshed family but it suits everyone at the moment. If the SIL gets a partner then that could really change the dynamic considerably.

Plus there is wealthy and really wealthy, DH family lived like you do. They had all those things including a housekeeper. But then his sister became a personal translator to a guy on The Times Rich list who had as he called it a little boat, it cost 25 million. Maybe your families wealth is very well protected, DH family lost theirs in the late 1980’s when he was 19. If you are a very high net worth individual who will have money forever, a horse and private school and ongoing costs is like regular folk buying their niece a bar of dairy milk every week then I do not see an issue especially.

It depends on the level of wealth I think as I do know some siblings who paid for nephews & nieces to go to private school, it isn’t that unusual.

You say you don’t want to damage the friendship but you can’t control that. Laura has created in her head a belief that it is reasonable for you to fund her daughter’s education and love of horses. When that expectation is not met, Laura will decide what to do about the friendship. You can’t control that.

It may be that as the girl’s grow up and the disparity in their lifestyles and opportunities increases, the closeness between them and between you and Laura does decrease or end. The girls will go to different schools and develop their own new friendships anyway.

I’d personally ignore the hints. But whether you ignore them or address them directly, what happens next will depend on Laura.

I’m perhaps influenced here by how big our family was. I think it would be nuts to consider ‘helping out family’ by paying school fees for a child of another family. But I was 15th of 17 grandchildren - if our grandparents had considered ‘helping us out’ in that sense it would have cost millions! There’s not even a suggestion here that the niece has some special extraordinary need for non state education. Even if there were, it would be unusual for anyone else to help with fees.

Even if there were, it would be unusual for anyone else to help with fees.

Its quite normal in some circles to share the burden of school fees across the family/generations

@woolshopyes her parents do help her a lot, both in terms of practical help looking after DD when needed and some financial help, but they don’t have a lot to give financially so it wouldn’t anywhere near cover private school.

I presume she means the fact you don't trust him enough to pool your resources fully

I’ve only read this far but I have to say that you do come across as having a strange attitude about money with regards to your marriage.

My husband is extremely wealthy (and was before he met me) and the money is OUR money. He would never discuss money in the terms that HE is paying to send his children to private school, bc I can’t afford to on MY salary.

When you are married it is family money, not yours alone. It’s sounds like you see things as very separate ie. it is you sending your children to holiday activities and for horse lessons, not your husband.

It’s weird imo. Also I’m not sure what “protections” you have in place but it’s my understanding that pre-nups aren’t a thing in this country? Just a thought.

I’m not sure how wealthy you are exactly bc I’d say if you are having the children sitting the 11+ instead of paying you are not that wealthy? So of course it’s very very unreasonable of your SIL to make these hints. She is absolutely bonkers to make even a suggestion of you and your husband paying for her niece. You know this already.

Ignore the hints about the horse and private school. Paying for days out, activities, meals etc for your niece is already very generous and kind.
Laura sounds quite the CF. Take a step back and stop telling her every detail of your lives - there was no need for her to know about the horse and the 11+ tutoring.I wonder how much your generosity oils the wheels of your friendship.