AIBU to tell my best friend that I can’t financially level things up between our kids?

[stingyorfair]

Sorry for the length, but I don’t want to drip-feed. Names changed but I’ve added names for clarity.

I’m an only child from a wealthy family. I met my best friend Laura at university, and she later introduced me to her brother Sam. Sam and I eventually got together and married. I’m European, they’re British, if that’s relevant.

Laura has an 8yo DD. Her DD’s dad isn’t involved, but Laura has a lucrative job and family childcare support, so they’re not struggling financially.

Sam and I have 3 DC, aged 10, 8 and 6. The cousins are extremely close and have grown up together. Laura and I are still best friends, spend lots of time together and holiday together a lot: sometimes just Laura, me and the kids, sometimes with Sam too. Sam jokes that he’s a third wheel, and theres an element of truth to it!

I have significantly more money than Laura or Sam. Sam earns more than Laura, and Sam and I keep our finances separate. I’m not getting into the reasons for that (mainly asset protection from my side in case of divorce) - it works for us.

On holidays, I often pay for luxuries for my children that wouldn’t necessarily be affordable or reasonable on Sam’s salary alone: private swimming lessons every day, watersports, tennis coaching, boat trips, horse riding etc.

On holiday if I was doing something with my children, I’d often pay for my niece too. She’s my niece, I love her, and I didn’t want her to be the “poor cousin” watching everyone else have fun. I’ve also paid for Laura, me and the kids to go to Disney or bought expensive kids’ event tickets without expecting anything back. My thinking was largely that my kids have more fun with their cousin, I enjoy Laura’s company, and everyone has a great time, so why not?

But this has now spread beyond holidays. My eldest is 10 and I’m paying for tutoring for the 11+ because she wants to try for two particular schools. I’m also considering buying her a horse because she’s serious about riding, as is my niece.

Laura has now started making comments about her DD missing out and, from what I can tell, thinks I should be doing equivalent things for her DD so the cousins don’t have such a disparity.

The latest issue is private school. Because I’m considering private school for my eldest, there seems to be an expectation that I should at least contribute towards something equivalent for my niece.

This is where I’m struggling. I’m happy to treat my niece sometimes, but I don’t think I’m responsible for replicating every financial advantage I give my own children for another child. If I pay for my daughter’s tutoring, that doesn’t mean I should pay for my niece’s. If I send my daughter to private school, I don’t think I should fund or part-fund my niece’s education too, even if I can afford it.

AIBU to have a proper conversation with Laura and draw that line before this becomes an expectation? I really don’t want this to damage what is otherwise an incredibly close friendship. It’s hard to pretend that I don’t get the hints because Laura knows me enough to know that I will get them.

I also don’t really want to go through Sam. Laura and I have a relationship in our own right, so I’d much rather speak to her directly. But I do wonder whether part of the expectation comes from the fact that we’re family through Sam - so is this actually something Sam should be involved in, rather than it being between Laura and me?

Exactly - it’s not adding up!

Are you the CF SIL?? 😂

Just popping on to say I have a similar age DD with a pony. Its not just the cost of the pony its the time and coaching. Transport, kit for child and pony and entries. Farrier every month or so, dentist, physio, vacs and vet. It will make the holiday lessons etc look like pennies....

This needs to be discussed. But I just want to point out that if she takes this badly and it has a negative impact on your relationship with her, you need to consider why exactly she has stayed so close with you for so long.

This.

I wouldn't create a drama around it @stingyorfair by having a big talk - that will be humiliating for Laura and unnecessary unless she specifically asks you to buy her daughter a horse or pay for her education. Being open around sensitive issues isn't always the best policy as you never know how the other person will respond. Just stick to your boundaries by not offering to pay for those big ticket items.

Just ignore the hints re the horse and the private schooling. No reasonable person would expect you to pay for those.

Absolutely this

I would think about whether your choices are splitting your kids from your cousin. For example do they go to school together now? Then sending yours to a private school the cousin can’t afford is splitting them up.

similarly the horse, is this instead of the riding club they go to together now?

if so I’d think about which material advantages are really worth it. Would DD rather have her own horse (alone) or continue shared riding club (with cousin)?

I would say something along the lines of, it feels like sometimes you are hinting that I should pay for dn the same as I pay for my own dd. I’m hoping I’ve misunderstood but It’s making me uncomfortable so I’ve felt the need to address it. I love dn and I am always happy to treat her and spoil her but I don’t want to feel like there’s an expectation because that could sour things between us and you are too important to me for that to happen. As I said I’m hoping I’ve misunderstood but either way hope I’ve cleared things up.
If she’s a good friend she will be honest that she wishes her dd could get the same things yours does but she understands you are not responsible for that.
She may deny she has done that which is fine as long as it draws a line going forward.
Worst case scenario is she becomes defensive and digs her heels in on her entitlement if that happens unfortunately you know your friendship has changed.

Since I have just read the comment and on the pony again it isn't just money its time. We are at peak nationals time admittedly but we were out all weekend, Sunday was 2 sessions. I have another basket of items needed for PC nationals next weekend running to a few hundred. We are having a day off trips today to do laundry etc. Tommorrow v early we are off, away overnight, back Wednesday late. Massive groom and pack and unpack, hack and then out early for champs. I don't know a single person who provides this for a cousin, maybe a few lifts. It would break most people to try to pull it off for 2 kids in different families and would limit what you could do with DD. So even if you got the niece her horse that would be the very beginning of the costs and it would be too hard and limiting to provide the same opportunities for both. Similar for school, how about Uni? You should be able to give your DD opportunities without them being defined by another child's options. It isn't just money, especially with a pony.

Not the same but I have come up against a few "heavy hinters" over the years and I find a helpful strategy is to pointedly change the subject. So she hints, you take a beat of silence and then say "how are you managing in the heat?" "those are great shoes" "golly the hayfever is bad this year" Yes I know this sounds mad but it does work.

I didn't want to write an essay, but I thought about that aspect, too.

OP received money from her immediate family, her parents. It's different and doesn't equate to an aunt by marriage, (and mum's bff).

Or, is the implication that OP should be ashamed to have been subsidized by her own family and therefore allay her guilt by subsidizing her bff's daughter? 🤔

I think it just reeks of entitlement on the bff's part, who no doubt feels that not only are they bff's, they're now in-laws, and family must help family. 🤔

And yes it’s nice that you pay for treats on holiday- but just to raise the counterfactual, if you went on holiday together and then sent your three kids on a daily sailing course leaving their cousin alone by the pool, that would actually be horrible.

i just wonder if it has occurred to you that you do t have to buy your kids this stuff just because you can? Their relationship with their cousin is worth more than all those treats.

You have no obligation to treat your niece but you do have an obligation to plan activities you can all afford if you are spending time together.

I actually agree with all the comments I have read on page 1 (not got further yet). Definitely not reasonable of Laura to expect this. If you were insanely wealthy, then given the nature of the family link etc, then I wonder whether it would be different. But like someone said, you’d need to be exceedingly wealthy to consider this (like 50 million they suggested)! Unless you are 100% certain about her comments, I wouldn’t have a head in conversation as it could be difficult for your relationship. Could you just let the comments pass and ignore? Otherwise, if she is practically asking. You’ll just have to refuse. It’s totally reasonable. She does t know much money you have and can’t assume you’ve got the requisite 200-300k….

It’s likely that your lives are set to diverge considerably, the kids will become less close and likely the adults too.

I think I wouldn’t tackle it head on, just pretend the hints have been missed.

i do think you’ve created an expectation and blurred boundaries a little too much, you should pull back a bit from being so involved with dn, see her without dcs, do more with you sam and your 3 dcs.

You also need to think carefully about what information you share, don’t talk about expensive things, no one needed to know you were looking at horses until you’d bought one. As your dd is getting closer to 11+ stage she’s old enough to have a chat about not bragging.

I think the conversation should be between Sam and sister, to avoid damaging your friendship.

What on earth are you talking about? There is no splitting up because they are not joined. They are cousins, not siblings.

It's one thing to treat your niece on holiday so she can enjoy the same activities as your child but you cannot fund her life that is her parents job. If they cannot afford extra tutoring or private school then it's not on you to subsidise that. Put your foot down and tell you friend this. She may not like it but she needs to hear it.

Of course Laura is being unreasonable to expect this. But it sounds like you’re constantly rubbing their nose in your wealth. Maybe you need to be a bit more discreet about things.

I think she’s being quite cheeky and maybe just got used to you paying.

maybe she’s scared that some decisions will mean you drift? So private school, horses and other things may mean less time with you….so maybe it comes from a fear?

do you and Sam have any joint finances? Or is everything completely separate? Like day to day things and groceries etc - who pays?

@Mumtobabyhavoc ,

‘OP received money from her immediate family, her parents. It's different and doesn't equate to an aunt by marriage, (and mum's bff).’

Why is it different? I don’t think it is that obvious. No one has to subsidise working adults, parents or aunts.

Obviously, OP is not obliged to help and, as I said, it does depend on level of wealth (though I think a net worth of even £10 million would allow her to help out).

If the two families are so close that the children spend nearly as much time together as actual siblings, it would be very hard to be in the poor niece’s position. The alternative, of course, is to create more distance, but is that what the OP would want?

I would look for a pony on loan if you feel like you have to get one or continue with lessons.
So many horses are sold on when they outgrown, a horse on loan is probably a better option especially as her hobbies may change when she goes to secondary school.
If you do get your own, farriers, vets, insurance, livery, stable fees, worming, feeding etc mounts up and whilst money is no object for you, I certainly wouldn’t get a horse of my own despite one of my children being fully into riding, we pay for lessons and pony days.
Not sure what area you are in but if you are in a grammar school area and you can afford it and she wants to try for one of those schools I would pay for your niece to have 11 plus tuition alongside your daughter.
My niece goes to a private school, one of mine is in a state secondary, the other heading to a grammar in September and one in a state primary.
All children get on well despite the differences in their places of education. I would never expect anyone to fund my children’s education to go to a private school.
If your SIL genuinely thinks this is acceptable, are you sure she doesn’t also see you as a bit of a meal ticket as well as good friend?

It’s a classic case of giving an inch and the recipient expecting a mile. Rather than be almost embarrassed about the fact you’ve essentially funded her expensive holidays for years she thinks it’s ok to hint at you financing her DD’s secondary education and even purchasing her a horse?! She’s massively taking the piss and yes, you need to be assertive here and draw a line.

Paying for a few nice extras on holiday so your niece can join in with activities is lovely and kind. Literally funding your niece’s private education for 5-7 years is insane.

I would outright ignore the hints. I don't like hints tbh and I teach my kids to outright ask for something if you want it, not "I'm hungry" or "I wish I had one of those" if you want something off someone you ask politely. It's no one else's responsibility to guess what you want and offer you it, it's rude imo.

Just completely try to mind block that you think she's asking you pay. If my friend was talking to me about needing help to pay for school id be suggesting looking at burseries and grants and maybe equity release from the house or something because obviously she wouldn't be expecting me.

With the horse thing I'd probably just say "oh at you thinking of buying one too? Where would you stable, I'm not sure", or whatever question you would ask someone else about their horse.

Answer as though you were talking to someone that absolutely not in a million years would be implying you put your hand in your pocket. Just totally push the idea out of your mind.

I wouldn't address it directly, she hasn't asked so she can easily act offended that you think that when she hasn't actually asked.

If this was me it would affect my relationship with Laura, I'd probably see her less and stop paying for holidays. If she asked why I'd be honest and say that our differing financial circumstances have come between us and I feel awkward about it.