Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

Oh op you partner is setting a very low bar here,
How have the ils even decided this, its ewful,

I can not comprehend how that conversation went,

Let's have a holiday, but don't invite ann, she won't mind ?? Son will be fine with this ??,
But we can play happy families next week and have her around for Sunday dinner, 😢

Honestly op not sure how you resolve this but know you will always feel on the outside of this family,

It's ok to make your feeling known, say, not sure how you came the that decision but am hurt obviously as I thought I was part of the family,

Just to let them or p know and think on it, not that you would go now anyway,

They have made their feeling known in this decision op, why not you, 💐

Unpopular opinion here. I would be fine with this, personally. I go away with my parents and my DC without my partner. It's nice spending quality time with them.

Although your DC is quite young and it's a long time for them to be away at that age, it's rude and inconsiderate that nobody has thought of that

Ask!
I get why
It is his sode of the family and his son.
I wouldnt care myself...perhaps take a break away to compensate if you can not ask ad be included.

Another DP not wanting to stand up to his parents or even have an adult conversation 🙄 communication is key here.
I would be raging but without communication assumptions are being made, if your DP is that weak he wont talk to them then I would be questioning my entire relationship

By any sensible measure I totally agree, but they have for.some.reason excluded you and I'd say it on your partner to ask why and sort it out. I'm just trying to find anything in the story they may have latched onto.

Like a PP said, would your DP be happy if you started excluding your DSS just because he wasn't your blood (I know you wouldnt, I'm talking hypotheticals here).
No points for guessing the answer on that one!

Gosh what an aggressive post. I said ‘try’ not to.

OP sounds like a very caring and lovely person, I’m reasonably confident she won’t want her relationship to end over this. No one knows all the details. People are odd they do odd things!

Do you get on with your sil and bil? That’s the only thing I can think - that one of them have requested its just immediate family.

I don’t think it’s right, I find it really bizarre but there must be a reason they are not inviting you.

Maybe your dp knows the reason but doesn’t want to say? I would be annoyed if my dp wasn’t pushing this more

i get on fine with them we are not close but we chat when we see each other.

Exactly would it be reasonable for us all to go away with my family and dss not be included ? I actually think that would be worse as dss is a child but neither is acceptable.

Well now you know how they see you, so you back off. Don’t put yourself out for them. If you’re not family then that’s how I would act.

I meant would the kids resent me for stopping them from going

I’d take the opportunity to have a really nice week to myself…. I would genuinely love this.

I would let it happen, but make it clear to DP that he’s given a loud and clear message that may have consequences down the line.

I’d enjoy the fact that I wasn’t part of the cooking and cleaning and babysitting in a big group.

I’d take the opportunity to do some really good things on my own or with friend. Make a tradition out of necessity, and do a city break or something.

@notpartofthefamilyI think there is a general consensus on here that this is wrong on the part of in laws and your DP - so what are you going to do about it ?

I wouldn’t want to go anywhere my mother had been excluded from!

OP, this is horrible. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your partner absolutely should raise it. Married or not, you are a family and other people don’t get to decide that you’re not.

There’s not a lot I can do dh wants to go, I get no say in if dss goes cause it’s not my decision. And if I put my foot down on ds going in denying him a holiday with his extended family

This is not the same as not being invited on a HOLIDAY when your partner and child are!

Christ I can’t believe how obtuse some people are on here.

Gosh how upsetting for you. It is unreasonable not to invite you yes. However like you, if I am not wanted I would not want to go. I think I would not make a big fuss personally but would take a big step back from them. Don’t help DP sort gifts and stuff. Go round and attend events much less often. Let DP facilitate their relationship with DS. When they want help or a favour, any of them, or if DP needs flexibility from me so he can help his family, I would immediately remember I’m not family to them and not put myself out. What do you do for DSS? Is there anything you can drop (without hurting DSS) to inconvenience DP? If they want it, they get it, all of them.
There is an option to say DS can’t go if you don’t. That you come as a pair. At 4 that is reasonable. Im in 2 minds about it. I get the point - DS should not see you treated badly and should see you stick up for yourself. Personally I wouldn’t as they may well say well you can to come too then, I wouldn’t want to go in those circumstances.

This is truly awful and I agree it's sets a terrible precedent. You really do need to speak to the in laws and explain how it sets the idea that you are a lower standing than the rest of them and whilst you would not want to be anywhere you are not wanted you are extremely hurt.
If you would rather your son doesn't go book the best thing you can with him.. Legoland, paultons park, digger land etc and take him there or if you are happy for him to go send him and book a spa break BUT now things change.
No invitations to your house, no presents, no xmas dinner, nothing. Just completely withdraw.
I'm afraid I'd be having very strong words with partner and a work to rule in the house (as long as SS not affected)..e.g if you normally take SS swimming on Saturdays I'd as il to do it as your "not family". Rinse and repeat. Petty but will get your point across.

I have seen things like this played out irl. Mothers being sidelined by fathers family and the damaged relationships between the children and mother later, as the child internalises the mum as not quite as important. You can not allow this to just happen. Honestly, it’s so utterly toxic. your partner is an absolute idiot. Honestly how you can still stand to be in the same room as this coward I do not know.

Fuck that.

NO.

Do not allow your cunt of a partner to make you feel excluded and to take your son on a holiday without you.

Your DS is 4, he's not going to remember the holiday he never went on.

Anything you get asked to do. You’re not family. Repeat, repeat. It’s not petty, just responding to how they’re treating you.

True but if it happens again down the line…