Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

Maybe they’ll learn to be more bloody respectful to the mother of their grandchild and there won’t be a next time!

Exactly, you're sending a message that it's unacceptable and presumably will explain why when they ask why DS isn't going. Hopefully they'll think twice about doing it again

This wouldn’t bother me tbh. It’s completely fine for them to have a holiday, just them and take DS imo.

I get on very well with my ILs and we have a great time together but they’ll never be my family in the same way that my parents and siblings are.

So how many times has your husband gone on holiday with his parents and your joint children while leaving you at home?

Exactly why it needs to be nipped in the bud.

I can understand a bit where theyre coming from. Sometimes you want to do things with your original family unit. I think if the siblings also had partners it may not feel as hurtful. Are there other kids, or just DS and DSS?

I would strongly consider walking away from all of them...especially your partner. This is a line that can't be uncrossed. Your partner doesn't respect you.

Ask your DP how he would feel if you arranged a holiday without your stepson as he isn’t biologically related to you.

I’m sorry this would be a deal breaker for me.

im not considered part of their family ? Ok, well that works both ways. As for DH saying he understands, well I’m sorry, your his other half how can he even consider your not part of the family.

my DIL’s and my children’s partners are all my family I would never not think them as anything but family, to go away without them just wouldn’t happen. I couldn’t cope with my children missing their other half !

even if they changed their minds and said you could go, I wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t let my son go either after all he’s half you and you aren’t family .

edit to say, I’m slowly fuming for you, if you want someone to come and give your DP a kick then just shout, as for the il’s (and I say this as an IL ) step back, let them have their family get togethers you aren’t family so you assume you don’t go

Unbelievable. Do you know where they are going? Id seriously be booking the same flights, hotels and basically stalk them for the duration. Then Id seriously be thinking twice about remaining in that relationship.

Yes, but that isn't (or should not be) the criteria here. Doing the right thing should be the criteria.

They just expect you to go about your normal life while they all have a great holiday?? Really think about that. They are being cheeky fuckers!

I disagree. People need to realise when their kids grow up, find a partner and have kids of their own the “original family unit” is no more.

Of course there will be times when parents will spend time with just their adult children. But to have a holiday and not invite their DIL but expect their grandson to be there without his mother. That’s disgusting.

I have challenged my parents about my SiL. She is family because she is the mother of my nephews/nieces and the mother of their grandchildren. At the time she was separated from my brother, and now she's divorced. Doesn't matter. Still family.

I would fight for my SiL.
If I were you, I'd expect my husband to sort out with his parents and not go without me. I would do the same if roles were reversed.

It might be a simple misunderstanding. Asking/communicating, at the very least, will clear up why.

I agree OP. Whatever you do you can’t win. It would just make your relationship more difficult and cause friction long term.

I really would suggest you use the week to do something you enjoy. Go on holiday and make the most of it.

Hard to nip it in the bud.

Who wants to go away somewhere knowing you had to fight for your place and aren’t really wanted?

BIL was spokesperson not FIL. Maybe BIL and/or SIL gave PILs a hard time, maybe they’re the ones driving it?

OP, hoping you have a quiet, relaxing day today. Most would feel the way you do.

On plus side when/if they need help or care going forward you are under no obligation to step up. When BIL/SIL settle and have kids you won’t need to watch them or buy gifts, at Christmas you won’t need to spend a penny on them and no guilt about having it at home etc, Christmas is for family after all.

Make sure you plan something for that week. Turn your phone off except for checking couple times a day and leave them to it. Also tell DP you’d rather not hear about it as it’s been painful to realise your family unit is not respected.

Have either of you ever wanted to get married, but the other said no for financial reasons. There sounds like there could be an unspoken barrier. I’m not saying anyone needs to be married, but the reason behind it sounds like there is a kind of division. Are you both happy with it?
Also, the way your partner says that you could go away with your family, sounds like he doesn’t think of them as part of his family either - it all sounds a bit divided. Do you feel this at all, or have I read too much into it?

How isn’t it? My bother lives in America? It’s my holiday this year going to see him?

Ive just been reading your responses to some questions and although you are obviously very hurt you come across as if you are just going to accept it or not do anything about it. You need to challenge your DH and PIL and tell them how you feel. Otherwise it will be something you wont forget.

L
Honestly to play devils advocate here.i sometimes go away with my siblings and kids and our parents without partners and I don't think any of them mind. I can see it would be easier if they all had partners who weren't going either .

Very simple DP doesn't go, if he insists on going I would seriously review your relationship, because clearly you are not a big priority.

I didn’t ask him if he wanted to come. I expect my brother wouldnt mind if he did want to come. But I didn’t ask him. I just said im planning to go to visit Ryan in September for his birthday.

Of course there is something you can do. You have been told repeatedly that their behaviour is unacceptable and that your partner has failed to support you. Instead he has prioritised his parents and siblings ahead of you and his children. It is becoming clear that your reluctance (for whatever reason) to challenge is contributing to your current situation.

If your 'in laws ' were physically abusing your child with the support of your partner would you step in to protect him? Of course you would. Yet, they are emotionally abusing him, showing him his Mum is dispensible and you are standing by?

' if I put my foot down I am denying him a holiday with his extended family' What about his immediate family? Does his Mum not matter?

The only way to resolve this and let the holiday continue is to insist on really firm boundaries.
No more exclusions going forward.
You re-evaluate all you and your son's interactions with your partners family
Your partner respects you and makes no decisions regarding your son and his family without discussing it together first.
Your partner makes it clear to his family that you are a unit and that any further efforts to exclude you will not be tolerated.
This could have been avoided if your partner stood up for you and respected you.
BTW he is no DP
You are avoiding the real issue and trying to deflect. As I said before, protect your son .

Ouch, that is hurtful. And surely your DH is not unable to understand why, it doesn’t take a genius. Whether or not he would mind if the situation is reversed is completely irrelevant, particularly as it will never be tested, and doesn’t negate your feelings.

It is tough because natural reaction is to say “fine, if I’m not family then you can’t take my kids” but as you say, they then miss out.

I’m afraid it is something I’d be seriously pushing DH on until he at least queries or explains it further. There feels like there’s some reason he won’t….

OP out of all our adult DC only one has a partner who he lives with. He is my DSS, they have no children. We include my DSS’s partner in everything, they’ve been together 7 years too. I find it extremely odd that your in-laws aren’t including you, it’s so awful. I can only imagine how you must feel.

Children understand the concept of fairness and being kind. It's not fair and not kind to exclude a family member which is exactly what they're doing. I mean even the messed up Beckhams bring children's partners on holidays..