Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

I didn’t get his consent?

I’m going to add this is EXTREMELY damaging for the children involved. I would 100% not allow my child to go and be part of an event that minimised my role.

So at what point do you get 'related' status?

Marriage? Is your relationship and child so far not worthy? 😮

I’d be telling DP it’s over. You have his son living with you ffs.. yet you’re not family?! Wow! He needs a backbone

But if your dp wanted to go would your brother say no?

This is outrageous. So outrageous it merits my first post. Your DP should not be going and should be very clear with his parents that this is unacceptable and hugely upsetting for both of you. Just family doesn’t include you, their son’s long-term partner and mother of their grandchild????? This is an incomprehensible thing to say.

That’s how I feel . It’s like saying one of us isn’t good enough/ as important. I wouldn’t let my step child or dh (both of whom I’m not related too) feel like that

This is awful, I'm so sorry. My only advice is to speak out to one or both of your in laws, face to face or writing things down if that will be too hard. Also your partner.Hopefully this thread has helped refine and consolidate your thoughts so you can be more confident in presenting how you feel They might be totally oblivious to what they are doing, caught up in their own thinking/bubble and maybe should be given the chance to realise that they may have unwittingly been thoughtless and unkind and giving off damaging ideas to your children
Long shot but I know I would like to be told if I'm hurting someone so I can reassess, learn, make amends as needed. Wishing you all the best 💐

But if they don’t go the kids miss out on a holiday with their extended family will they resent me for it?

No, what they should be doing is respecting you as your DPs partner and the mother of their grandchild or nephew. They are not doing this and your DP is supporting their abhorrent behaviour.
You need to acknowledge this is NOT good for YOUR son. You need to protect him. He is 4 years old and is being shown that you are not family and it's ok to exclude you. The damage is done when it comes to the adults but please do not allow it to affect your son and his sibling.

You need to grow a bit of a backbone here. Said with kindness. Tell DP that he cannot simply go to keep the peace and if he won’t say anything to them then your son cannot go. He’s 4, he’s not going to spend his life resenting you. They’re minimising your role. Honestly if you don’t stand up for yourself this will breed resentment. I’d be so so angry.

What a horrible thing to happen OP. And it must change your view of your DH that he's not standing up for you as part of his family.
There's lots of different (and some excellent) advice on here and I'm really not sure what's the best to follow - it's your life and family after all. But what I would do is let him know just how sad his choice not to have your back has made you.

He needs to know that if he doesn't see you as part of his family for this, it makes you wonder what else he hasn't got your back over?

I'm so sorry

Edited to add that presumably this is the start of further "oh this is a family only" event and the OP isn't invited. It's a boil that needs lancing from the outset before your children start to see you as "other" following the lead from their grandparents.

Honestly, you sound like a lovely step-mother as you treat your DSS as part of your family just as much as your own DS and your DP is lucky to have you.

You, on the other hand, are not that lucky to have your DP as he should be appalled at your exclusion from a family holiday and his pathetic attempts to justify it by confirming that he doesn't believe that you are part of his 'family' are just making things worse.

Exactly this! If it was just DH and his siblings with ILs then I’d think okay they are doing a trip just them not as much of an issue (though it would still be hurtful) but when your DS and DSS are invited and you’re not that’s bang out of order. It’s going to taint the relationship now regardless and your DP should he standing up for you I think it’s awful that he isn’t.

i wouldn’t want my DS thinking this was normal and acceptable. It’s just spiteful to exclude you - good enough to give birth to their grandchild but not seen as family!

what are you planning to do OP?

🩷

The illness thing was my first thought aswell - maybe they want to discuss it and don’t feel comfortable but then why invite the grand kids - would be a bit dramatic.

Some families just have very different views - it is odd but try not take it personally!

I’m really sorry OP you must feel awful.

you’ve asked for perspectives of how this has come about - in my family and other people I know this issue would be that you’re not married: unless you’re married you’re not family and you’re in some kind of temporary status (notwithstanding any children together).

to be clear this isn’t my opinion and I don’t support it, I’m just pointing out that my parents, and many in their circle, would take the same approach as your ILs in these circumstances.

For your children’s sake you need to show that you will take a stand against being sidelined like this. I would tell your feckless idiot of a DP that this is absolutely not acceptable. You will not be minimised in front of your step child and son and you want the children to see family as not only blood. You need to tell him that toxic situations like this lead to all sorts of complications for children as they grow up and you will not stand for this. You matter and should feel valued. I’m so raging on your behalf about this.

Would you really want to go on holiday with people who don't want you there? Time to start doing your own thing ...see friends go out with them. Don't spend the time feeling sad at home when they are away. Your DH sounds a bit wet.

Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it.

This is a far bigger problem than you not being invited on the holiday.

How on earth can you expect OP not to take this snub personally? She is basically a mum to her step-son and treats him exactly the same as her own son yet is being treated as an outsider as she isn't 'blood related'.

It's bad enough that her PILs have done this, but for her DP to accept this as normal is even worse.

The extended family don't give a shit about you. Not sure why you're worrying about how they perceive you.

Your son is 4. And it's your partner and his family who have caused this mess. Stand up for yourself and bring your son on a holiday yourself. Come on Op, find your voice and get angry.

Book yourself a lovely luxury spa holiday at the same time and thank your lucky stars that any ‘in law’ duties have been taken
off your shoulders. You don’t know it yet but you've been given a lifeline.

In your situation I think I’d speak to your MIL. I’d tell her just how hurtful you find it and ask her how she would have felt if her in-laws had invited per husband and children on holiday but excluded her.

This is horrible on their part.

It sounds like you've only had the holiday information via BIL? I think the first thing is that DP needs to have a chat with MIL & FIL to double check that this is definitely their position.

I'm hoping it isn't! But if it is then frankly DP needs to put his big boy pants on and tell them that he and the children won't be going unless you are included in the plans. Important to draw a line in the sand on this. You four are a family unit. That comes first.

He doesn't have to make it a big confrontation if he feels uncomfortable about that. He could just say something like that doesn't work for us, we have limited annual leave and it's important to us to use it spending time together as a family.

I don't suppose it's occurred to your PILs that they'd probably get more quality time with their son if you joined them and hence you were sharing the parenting load?

THAT IS INSANE. you should insist on going. Even if you pay for yourself