Page 7 | Aibu to be hurt?

notpartofthefamily · 2026-08-15T20:23:58+00:00

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us. A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!! Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss. Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years! Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

Original poster

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:41

Wadsworthy · Today 07:40

Are your partner’s siblings’ partners invited?

They don’t have partners

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · Today 07:41

So your raising their first grandchild.

Biological mum to their second.

Yet you’re not family.

Yeah fuck that. DP needs to step and and speak out.

Itwasallyellow2 · Today 07:42

Has there ever been any indication that they see themselves as different to you? Do they include you in other events such as family birthdays etc?

Tooupset · Today 07:42

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:39

Yes if I put my foot down and say DS can’t go am I denying him time with his extended family(and dp and dss) will he resent me for it.

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And that’s what makes it clear that you have a DP problem

Original poster

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:43

Notquitethetruth · Today 07:41

His version of love comes with boundaries as he is allowing his parents and siblings to put you in 'other' category.
'we are a family ' but you are not. You see your family as a unit but clearly your DP and the rest of them do not. They are deliberately excluding you, arranged this holiday without giving you a thought, presented it as a fait accompli, and your DP after initial push back is going along with it. That is not family.
My primary concern would be the effect on and the message it sends to your young impressionable 4 year old. His grandparents, uncle, aunt, his brother and his Dad are all going on holiday together and leaving Mum at home as she is not family. They are quite happy for her to be excluded and left at home.
It's cruel and disrespectful to you and it should have you re-evaluating your relationship with them, setting new boundaries and pulling right back. Yes, as your DPs siblings develop new relationships they may change their attitudes but meanwhile there is a young little boy along with his brother being shown that their mother/stepmother doesn't matter.

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But should they have to have a relationship with me ? Am I forcing it?

OP posts:

JenRummy · Today 07:43

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:31

Thank you I agree it’s like I am lesser due to not being related.

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Awful way to make anyone feel OP.

Also as someone said their logic is skewed. Looks like they view your family as an extension of their family (minus you) and not as your own family unit.

I’d expect you’ve likely also been behind birthday, christmas, mother and father’s day gifts, cards and efforts. That can be another load off your shoulders. Even cards from kids, tell DP your circus 🎪 from now on.

It comes across like you’re not as keen on or close to your own family OP. I could have picked that up wrong?

Just wondering what elements of their family dynamic did you enjoy? That’s what you can replicate with your own but any way you can see your own clan more?

Original poster

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:44

Itwasallyellow2 · Today 07:42

Has there ever been any indication that they see themselves as different to you? Do they include you in other events such as family birthdays etc?

Upto now I’ve always been included and mostly attended things. This is the first family holiday though

OP posts:

Coronaperona · Today 07:44

I used to go and see my parents without my then husband. I still go to see my aunts and uncles and siblings without my partner.

my now partner goes to see his family without me.

I don’t see that as excluding me?

BoundaryGirl3939 · Today 07:44

You seem weak Op. It's almost like you've surrendered and given all your power away.

Other mothers would be livid. You need to work on your self-esteem, self-respect and find your voice. I don't know many women who would put up with that insult.

Based on your replies, I can't see you making any changes or standing your ground.

Itwasallyellow2 · Today 07:45

Your partner really does need to step up here and tell his parents he wants you to come.

If he doesn’t do this then it shows he will put his parents wishes over including you. It doesn’t bode well for your future as a couple.

Baldrapunzel · Today 07:46

Slightly different take - DH used to take the DC on holiday with his parents and sibling occasionally, especially when they were primary aged - I didn't feel hard done by at all. I spend time with my family without DH sometimes too - weekends away, meals out etc. I have a relationship with my family outside my relationship with DH. And we all get on well and spend time together with spouses too.

Original poster

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:46

JenRummy · Today 07:43

Awful way to make anyone feel OP.

Also as someone said their logic is skewed. Looks like they view your family as an extension of their family (minus you) and not as your own family unit.

I’d expect you’ve likely also been behind birthday, christmas, mother and father’s day gifts, cards and efforts. That can be another load off your shoulders. Even cards from kids, tell DP your circus 🎪 from now on.

It comes across like you’re not as keen on or close to your own family OP. I could have picked that up wrong?

Just wondering what elements of their family dynamic did you enjoy? That’s what you can replicate with your own but any way you can see your own clan more?

Edited

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We get on fine but I don’t see them loads and we don’t ’do stuff ‘ together and didn’t before I met dp. If I suggested a group holiday it would be met with confusion.

OP posts:

Itwasallyellow2 · Today 07:46

Can I ask OP, do you / your DP want to get married? Is one of you being less enthusiastic than the other?

LittleFootprintsInSand · Today 07:47

This is horrible. Not only are you excluded and literally told you're not part of the family, but it sort of feels like you're just a breeding cow, because they're happy to take the child you've produced!

You must feel a bit differently about them, and your partner, now.

Litehartstuth · Today 07:48

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:29

Mil and fil are married

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Marriage doesn't make them blood related though. Their children are blood related to them. But the in-laws are not blood related to each other.so blood wise thsy are exactly the same as you and your partner.

So they would be ok if you had a ring?

Coronaperona · Today 07:50

Baldrapunzel · Today 07:46

Slightly different take - DH used to take the DC on holiday with his parents and sibling occasionally, especially when they were primary aged - I didn't feel hard done by at all. I spend time with my family without DH sometimes too - weekends away, meals out etc. I have a relationship with my family outside my relationship with DH. And we all get on well and spend time together with spouses too.

This is exactly what we do.

im going on holiday in September to visit my brother and his family (he lives abroad). DP is not coming. I didn’t ask him. Am I being a cunt then?

BlueMum16 · Today 07:51

notpartofthefamily · Today 05:31

I actually asked that last night and he said well you have a family you could go away with and dc are old enough to understand we have different families and we are not related to each others family . Maybe it would be less of an issue if I did stuff solo with my family.

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You have a DH problem. He doesn't see your family unit as his nuclear family.

He's happy to leave you at home
He's happy for you to take DS and split the kids

He wants to make decisions individually. This isn't a partnership. Until he grows up, cuts the apron strings and sees you as his family now you'll always come last.

Original poster

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:52

thepariscrimefiles · Today 06:27

Honestly, this would taint my relationship with ILs forever. I can't believe that your DP can't see what a huge snub this is. Technically, your DSS isn't your family because you aren't blood related, but I'm sure that your DP and his family would (rightly) be appalled if you tried to exclude him from stuff that you did as a family.

Going forward, I wouldn't be able to get past this. It would massively change the relationship with ILs for the worse and I would find it very hard to forgive DP.

Yes exactly. If my family planned a holiday and said everyone but dss as he’s ’not our family’ I would defend that. I couldn’t imagine dss having to not be included while his brother went on holiday

OP posts:

hereforthelolz · Today 07:52

I’d be livid at my DH and there’s no way on earth my son would be going. I’d take him somewhere better on my own. Screw them all.

Potatoespotaarrrrtos · Today 07:53

You have a DP issue. He’s an absolute waste of space if he is going along with this and no he does not love and value you the way you should be! This would really change my feelings for my partner if he went along with something so utterly mean and unkind.

BlueMum16 · Today 07:54

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:43

But should they have to have a relationship with me ? Am I forcing it?

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DP should be forcing it. You are HIS family. You are the DC family.

username2185 · Today 07:54

This is shit, your partner should be mentioning it, especially as your son is going. Isn’t he going to ask why mummy isn’t going? Book yourself solo break girl x

Original poster

notpartofthefamily · Today 07:55

Velumental · Today 06:26

At what point do partners become family though? My brother for example was a serial monogamist, always had a 'partner' and she at least would always think it was massively serious. After a few months thees women would be right in the middle of our family and sure they were there to stay then he's inevitably end it and these devastated women would be trying to talk to us about what happened as they thought they were family. It was emotionally exhausting. We stopped bothering with his girlfriends until he got married. Which was at least a signal from him that he intended to stick around. Conversely my sister isn't married to her partner and he's clearly been a serious partner from very early on and absolutely is family.

I do wonder about the back story from his families point of view and if his dating behaviour colours how they see the relationship. Or if he's told them they're not getting married because she's protecting her finances and they've taken that badly.

I think her dp knows what the issue is that's why he won't discuss with them because it's uncomfortable for him

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I guess it’s individual but I’d have thought after 7 years and a child together I’d have earned the right to be part of the family!

OP posts:

JenRummy · Today 07:55

Baldrapunzel · Today 07:46

Slightly different take - DH used to take the DC on holiday with his parents and sibling occasionally, especially when they were primary aged - I didn't feel hard done by at all. I spend time with my family without DH sometimes too - weekends away, meals out etc. I have a relationship with my family outside my relationship with DH. And we all get on well and spend time together with spouses too.

Like many things though when something is a choice vs when it’s imposed it can and does impact differently.

In this case it wasn’t we’ll take the boys away, in which case OP could have got her head round if she was ok with that.

It was the FIL announcing big family holiday on me… 7 years, plus Mum to DGS, it’s no wonder OP so blindsided. DP even taken aback when first tried to challenge BIL.

Being deliberately excluded and reminded we’re family, minus you, is so personal and hurtful. No wonder OP lost sleep and feels rubbish.

BoundaryGirl3939 · Today 07:55

Coronaperona · Today 07:50

This is exactly what we do.

im going on holiday in September to visit my brother and his family (he lives abroad). DP is not coming. I didn’t ask him. Am I being a cunt then?

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That was done with consent though. And Op thought she was being included.

It's generally unnatural to take a young child away from his mother for a week without her blessing. Perhaps dad's are more relaxed being away from their child knowing that he/she is being cared for by the mother and her family as he has a different bond with his child.