Aibu to be hurt?

[notpartofthefamily]

Dp and I have been together 7 years, we have 1 DS together and dp has dss who also lives with us.

A couple months ago fil mentioned doing a big family holiday, dp said sounds good let us know details. I get on great with ils so i was also fine with it. Dps brother got in touch to arrange booking. It seems I’m not invited. It’s fil, mil, dp sil (dh sister) and bil (dh brother) plus dss and DS. Dp asked why and apparently bil was awkward and said something about mil and fil wanting it to be just family!!
Dp has said he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to fil about it. It seems he’s going and taking ds, dss.

Im so upset, it’s never occurred to me im not family. I spend lots of time with fil and mil , attend family events etc. I’ve been in their lives 7 years!
Dp thinks I need to let it go but aibu to be upset?

Yes. And also something that will be repeated going forwards.

Your Dp needs to get clarification directly from FiL. At the moment, you only have secondhand 'information'. Tough if this makes Dp uncomfortable. If he won't then ask yourself. Then you can decide how you want to move forward with this family.

It wouldn't bother me. I could see when I was older wanting to recreate what I have now with my partner and children where we have all the inside jokes and the kids bouncing off each other. They are hilarious and they tear each other down about personal hygiene, things they've said and done etc in a way you couldn't do around partners.

My eldest is only 17 so bf isn't serious yet but I like him fine, and have maternal-type feelings towards him, but I imagine it wouldn't be anything to do with a partner not being family - it's just they aren't in the sense that they had that growing up phase with us.

Fuck me, I can’t believe I’m having to explain this to you.

Going abroad to visit a family member who lives in another country is totally different to ALL your family living in the same county and saying “Hey guys, let’s do a family holiday. Everyone is invited apart from Coronaperona’s partner”.

If you don’t understand that then soz I can’t help you.

This is why women shouldn't become responsible for their husbands family. They're not your family. They don't see you as family. Your kid is their family, but you are exist some random, unrelated, replaceable person that is attached to your husband.

Don't do things for your husband's family. Don't buy the presents, don't organise the visits, don't bother going if there's better things you could be doing, don't provide care or anything. They clearly don't care about you, you are the only person being left out, so you are the problem they have, they don't want a family holiday without "partners" they want a family holiday without you. So in future "can you help? We're family" "no we're not, that's not my responsibility." On repeat.

I don't know what I'd do as DHs family is very different and I can't imagine being comfortable with it so I don't know what to reccomend in terms of the holiday.

You need to decide whether you're putting your foot down with DH or accepting that he agrees you're not family.

You've just found out your DP has no balls.

Question is can you live with someone who isn't in your corner?

I don’t take my partner every time I go to see family.

I don’t take my partner every time when I go on holiday.

Nor does he when he goes to visit his family. And not even when he goes to see his mum or takes her to dinner and a show and a nice hotel.

all parties are perfectly happy with the arrangement.

the two of us are perfectly happy with this arrangement. His family are happy. His kids are happy. My family are happy and my kids don’t give a fuck coz they’re all grown ups.

Fuck me. I can’t believe I’m having to explain this to you.

I actually think your DH doesn't want to address it with FIL because he wants it too. He's agreed with them so he's looking forward to a family holiday with just his real family. Some people really struggle to move away from the concept that their parents and siblings were their primary family and now their wife and children are their primary family.

WTF?

I would firmly tell my partner that if you're not 'family' after all this time (due to a missing piece of paper apparently), then your child will not be going either and you will be busy moving out while he's away with his 'family'. And mean it.

OP, I would like to see my only DC on their own every now and then, but there is no way I would ever invite them to dinner on their own and exclude their partner and they have only lived together for a year and don’t have children.

I agree with others that BiL might be the one driving this. He probably wants to recreate his childhood with his big brother. I would speak to MiL and tell her how upset you are that you are not considered family. Her response will probably give you more of an idea of who is controlling this. I probably wouldn’t go anyway if they invited me now, as the damage is now done.

I can see why they want only blood family because 'outsiders' will change the dynamics of it and your partners siblings are still single. I can also see why that is incredibly hurtful to you as the only one left out. I am the mother of 2 sons who are adults, married and one has 2 small children. I wouldn't dream of suggesting a holiday that only included sons and grandsons. That time of just blood family passed when they got into serious relationships. We went on holiday with all of them earlier in the summer. Sons,DILs and grandchildren shared a house and we were in another up the road. We saw them a lot, babysat for a day and a night so they could have time without the children and gave them ( and ourselves) space to do our own thing. You can't really do blood family only in a situation like ours or yours anymore. Its divisive and horrid. When I was a single parent we used to go on holiday every year with my parents. After I met the man who is my second husband we had one more holiday with my parents , me and my children and then stopped. Neither my parents nor my new husband would have felt comfortable spending a week in a house together and it wasn't fair to leave him out. The dynamic changed because the people involved had changed. Your in-laws should either have invited you or booked a house for them and younger siblings and another close by for your little family so you were part of it but had private space too. Very poor of them

You have a Partner problem.

He is weak, he should standing up for you! You, your Partner and children are supposed to be a family unit, a team! He’s not too bothered about not including you, or he would be speaking to his Dad/not going.

Find your anger!

That's not the point the poster is making OP. I had a similar issue. I was actually told by my ex dp, at the time, together 15 years, that I wasn't family!! Imagine that. We also had dcs together. It was because we weren't married. Ridiculous. He always referred to my family and your family when talking about different situations as if we weren't the same family!!
Very old fashioned attitude. Your dp hasn't got your back. I'd arrange a separate holiday with your dc at the same time.

I’m sorry but are you actually dense? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You didnt need to explain how you don’t take your partner to visit your parents. Nobody here is disputing that type of scenario.

The scenario is the OP is hurt from being deliberately excluded from a “family” holiday where her in-laws and partner seem perfectly fine with her being at home alone and away from her 4 YO CHILD.

It’s okay though, given your earlier replies I’m not expecting you to have the emotional intelligence to grasp that.

Then you will have taught him from a young age that their exclusionary behaviour is not acceptable. If you let him go this time and then want to put your foot down later once your DS is aware of what is happening, that will be much harder as there will already be a precedent

This is were you set the bar op with you Ds, so it never happens again, of course DP absolutely DSS can go, but put your foot with DS going, that will send the message op

But it’s not a holiday where anyone is taking a partner.

i am autistic for reference so please don’t laugh at me. Thanks.

It all sounds weird. Definitely here the one not acting correctly is your partner I’m afraid. He should advocate your participation no matter what.

just guessing if it could be a financial issue, if they cover all expenses? In that case he should propose to book a hotel for you and your family members, and then spend time together during the day.

Definitely for me personally it would be a first serious crack in the relationship…

Legally you ARE family, your children belong to you at 50%.

I think you really could take the chance to educate your partner, I am hoping he’s not understanding the whole weight that this choice carries on.

Sometimes people simply don’t want conflicts and prefer to go for the easier way, especially if he has controlling parents. Easier to argue with you than with them maybe?

I would seriously make a case of it, it’s rude, inappropriate, confrontational. Talk to him, he might not see the matter.

That's awful behaviour. They honestly must be a right bunch of enmeshed weirdos. You are right to be pissed off

Its not a holiday where anyone is taking a partner because the other 2 siblings don't have partners. Not taking someone because you dont actually have one is very different to excluding the mother of a grandchild within the family.

But there’s a time and place for everything - you have this stage now but it won’t be appropriate if your kids have settled down with partners in 10 years.

Some people love the baby and toddler stage but it would be insane to try recreate when the children are teenagers and young adults. So why pretend it’s ok to recreate the nuclear family stage once your adult children have their own nuclear families? Your role has to take a backseat and their own nuclear family becomes their priority.

Although it's not unreasonable to be annoyed about this, I think you should take full advantage of the free time and book yourself a spa while your dp is away with the kids.

@notpartofthefamily you are being as passive as your DP about this. I understand the upset this has caused you, but just festering on it and not acting isn't going to do you any favours. You need to tell DP in no uncertain terms how upset you are about this, and press home the negative message that your exclusion as one of the family gives to the DC. You must insist that DP speaks to the IL's to confirm that you are not welcome on the holiday because they don't see you as family.

Depending on their answer you need to decide how involved you will be in your DP's family's life going forward. Personally I would be going very low to no contact with them if they do consider you not part of the family.

OP I think you should not be taking advice from Mumsnet, so many people on here are over the top. It’s as if they’re in a perpetual state of outrage, ready to pop at any moment. You had some wild replies telling you to leave your husband, saying that PiL should never see your son again. Please don’t let these people wind you up.

It’s not unheard of that parents sometimes go away with their children without the partners coming along. I’ve been away with parents, and siblings without our partners and none of our partners were offended or upset (probably too busy enjoying a quiet child-free week 😂)….Ive also been away with my parents and my partner and our children. In fact we almost always invite my parents/PIL on our holiday.
You say that your ILs are lovely so please don’t jump to a negative conclusion. It’s not a deliberate insult, and it doesn’t mean that you’re not part of the family…just that there are different family dynamics at play.
You also say that you get along well with your PIL so I think you should speak to them. You don’t need your husband to speak to them (contrary to what the hoard on here say) . They’re lovely and you get along well so just have a non confrontational chat with them. Say you feel a bit sad and left out and give them a chance to reassure you. Also give them the opportunity to explain their thinking or make amends. They should be your first port of call, long before listening to a bunch of rabid social media addicts trying to spread outrage.

If they explain their reasoning and do go as planned, then perhaps you can invite PIL on a holiday/long weekend along with your family unit. Or ask if you could arrange something together. If it were me, with loving family, I would look for ways to strengthen those bonds…I wouldn’t be listening to the “advice” on this thread.