AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

[vulpix123]

I just wanted to get people's thoughts on this please.

My 13 year old and my 11 year old went to my parent's house and whilst there my 11 year old got Injured..
My 13 year old locked my 11 year old in to the kitchen by shutting the door and staying on the other side so he couldn't open it. In a panicked state my 11 year old pushed forcefully and eventually his hand and arm went through a glass pane. He went to A&E and is still recovering, but will be scarred for life with the injuries.

My mum is saying that my 11 year old is to blame as he should have not panicked and gone out of the back door round to the front door to get back inside. He has autism and although higher functioning this could have also impacted his thinking at the time.
He is now taking the blame for it and saying he should have thought properly and not panicked..

I dont think he is at fault though at all. My 9 and 7 year old have even voiced that if my eldest was not blocking the door in the first place then it wouldn't have happened.

My mum's favourite grandchild is my eldest son and even though I heard her say at one point that they were both responsible, she is shifting it more on to my 11 year old.

Yanbu - make sure to loudly stand-up for your 11yo now, they will remember this forever x

YANBU. Your 13 year old was acting like a dickhead and I'd be furious at him.

Your eldest sounds like a nightmare.

And my mother wouldn't be getting anywhere near my 11-year-old ND kid if that was her attitude. Though if she played favourites so blatantly, she wouldn't be around any of them much, to be honest.

13yr old mainly too blame. Where were your parents ? They were the responsible adults. Has your 13yr old apologised?

YANBU.

Unfortunately you need to stop sending your kids there. This level of favouritism is damaging, and the lack of supervision is unacceptable.

Yes, agreed. He’d be seriously regretting it if he was mine. I’d be having stern words with DM as well. Can you make other childcare arrangements?

Your 13 yr old did a stupid and unkind thing, not just for a few seconds either, to his autistic younger brother. Your mother needs to give her head a wobble.

Your 11 old is not to blame they never had time to think as they panicked.

There would be consequences for the 13 year old if they were mine. They may not have meant what happened to happen but through their actions their 11 year old sibling has scars for life.

Your 13yo used his size and power as the eldest to trap your 11yo into a small space and he’s now scarred for life.

Je should be feeling extremely guilty to the point he would NEVER do such a thing again - not being made to feel like he did nothing wrong.

Yes, kids - especially siblings - so these things to each other. But that doesn’t make it ok and nor should it be ignored.

It was an accident with everyone a bit to blame. I'm sure your 13 year old did not anticipate that his brother would panic and put his arm through the glass but he did cause the chain of events. Your 11 year old was probably getting wound up by his brother so this probably clouded his judgement at least partially. Your parents should have been supervising the children and at least been aware they were getting into a situation

YANBU rational thinking rarely comes into play in flight or fight mode regardless of SEN. Your 13yr old was a dick, plain and simple.

YANBU. My 5 year old held the door shut on his little brother today and I was very unimpressed... I'd be furious if he did it at 13. He’s clearly to blame and I'd make it clear to grandma that your 11 year old shouldn't be blamed for panicking.

Yes you need to punish the eldest. They need to use their brain in future. Hope the 11 year old understands it is not his fault. please make this clear to him

Have you

1. paid for your mum’s door to be fixed
2. told your mum that she needs to stop showing her favouritism to 13yo and you will discipline your dc as you see fit

This. Your 13 yo shouldn't have locked him in but had no way of knowing that he would put his hand through the glass. The 11 yo should have realised it was just a kitchen he wasn't being buried underground. Your parents should have been supervising. It was an accident caused by a lot of not thinking all round.

@Moharris I will say that my mum did great in the moment as she doesn't deal well with blood and she also got quick help from a neighbour who is a nurse BUT she has even said herself that my 11 year old could be dead right now if he hit an artery as he was close to one! Would she still be blame him then 🤔

Of course he isn’t to blame. He was scared and panicked.

Tell your mom to shut it. She can't enable your 13 year old doing dick shit like this, especially when your 11 year old panicked and got injured. I hope he recovers well.

13 year old would be doing a ton of work around the house and fetching and carrying for his bro and losing a lot of privileges. This was totally on him. Panic is not rational.

Lack of supervision! They are 11 and 13!

Jesus that could have been really bad, thank god he's okay (mostly).

I'd be absolutely furious at the 13 year old. What has been their punishment for this?

Bullying supported by dgm?
Wow.

I would give both children a severe dressing down. 13 year old especially.
I would the apologise to your parents for the damage, including aplogies from the children, and make both children pay for it from any pocket money.
In addition, I would point out to the grandparents that they should not favour one child over another in a mixed setting.

Hmmmm. If you think about it, your DS11 is now assessing his behaviour in that moment- he panicked and the result was severe.

In life he will encounter many other issues. It’s fantastic that he has insight that - in that situation he panicked and it may help him in future to see that that there could be alternatives.

Is it his fault though? No of course not! SN or no SN, we have all been in situations where we have panicked and it’s led to a worse outcome.

Tell him there’s no blame. Tell your DM there’s no blame. He’s a child that’s really suffered but is clearly a clever young man to recognise how his panicking has impacted him.

Don’t let him take any blame but don’t dismiss his critical thinking that will help him in the future.

Yanbu.

Your mum needs to give her head a serious wobble and your 13YO need talking to about his actions. The favoritism is horrible.

I'm glad your 11YO is okay - this could have been very serious and potentially devastating. Your 11YO likely struggles with critical thinking when faced with an emergency and I think someone needs to educate your mum about ASD pronto!

I know! We have fell out countless times over favouritism. It is a difficult situation