AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

[vulpix123]

I just wanted to get people's thoughts on this please.

My 13 year old and my 11 year old went to my parent's house and whilst there my 11 year old got Injured..
My 13 year old locked my 11 year old in to the kitchen by shutting the door and staying on the other side so he couldn't open it. In a panicked state my 11 year old pushed forcefully and eventually his hand and arm went through a glass pane. He went to A&E and is still recovering, but will be scarred for life with the injuries.

My mum is saying that my 11 year old is to blame as he should have not panicked and gone out of the back door round to the front door to get back inside. He has autism and although higher functioning this could have also impacted his thinking at the time.
He is now taking the blame for it and saying he should have thought properly and not panicked..

I dont think he is at fault though at all. My 9 and 7 year old have even voiced that if my eldest was not blocking the door in the first place then it wouldn't have happened.

My mum's favourite grandchild is my eldest son and even though I heard her say at one point that they were both responsible, she is shifting it more on to my 11 year old.

@Shouldgivethisup no I just wish he could be a better brother to him that's all instead of upsetting him as entertainment . He even tried telling me if I bought him something that he would stop fighting the 11 year old, so he knows what he is doing!
I know siblings mess around but ideally I would love them all to love and respect each other and have each others backs

@thepariscrimefiles yes I know!
My eldest son is actually supposed to be starting home education from September helped by my mum, so that makes things more complicated now as he will have to go to hers or her here. My other children are staying at school

@Persephonia1966 I am not bringing it up again now to my eldest son or my mum , it was left when it happened, it was just more of wanting to know if my mum denies any wrong doing of my eldest just because he is her favourite, because she said something to my 7 year old yesterday that I wasn't happy with and again this proves she has favourites

Does you 11yo respect his elder brothers requests to be left alone? It's pretty normal to be annoyed by your younger siblings at 13 and not want to be around them, especially when there are 5 of them. Does he have somewhere he can go at home where he is guaranteed space and privacy from them all?

That definitely sounds really tough - but your mum is undermining you now too. You seem to defer to her almost as if you are afraid of displeasing her - I know what that’s like as I often felt like I couldn’t go against my parents with my kids.

It is definitely something that needs working on though because teenagers can be out of control at times, and there’s been many posts on here with frustrated mothers saying their 15 year old is off the rails and won’t listen to them, what should they do?

Don’t be a passive passenger. It will be hard with the older ones, but it will be worth it. And it will make it easier with the younger ones to get it done now!

I suspect counselling/therapy could be really beneficial for you, as you sound like a people pleaser and take the path of least resistance. You’ve been raised to do as you’re told, not to question authority, etc. and that’s likely how you ended up in a relationship with someone who sounds quite controlling too. I say this as someone in that same boat. You need to learn that it’s ok to set boundaries and rules for yourself and your children, that you can stand up against your mum, etc.

Good luck as it won’t be easy.

@Isit2026yet agree. And he will have to work off the money it will cost to pay for the glass.
He is not their oldest grandchild - and they have 14 but the rest of them live further away.
She flags him as rude because she definitely holds a dislike for him, i see the way she looks at him sometimes and very quick to shout at him over nothing , just because he reminds her of his dad, he is just 7, and probably "acts" like his dad because he has seen the way he acts also. She has said that herself, that all my children have been affected by their dad probably since being in the womb (as they can hear voices) so why try to take it out on a 7 year old. He isn't actually rude in general as nobody else says that even at school - he will certainly say what he thinks but i guess he is giving back the energy he gets . If someone is rude to you, are you going to stay nice to them? When she told him that she doesnt want to be his nannor anyway and she is happy she wont have to get him presents - it isn't presents he needs, its love and warmth.

I thought you probably weren't but thought it worth mentioning
For what it's worth you sound like you are in quite a complicated situation. On the one hand you have your son's interactions with each other (and with you) that obviously led to one child getting injured. That's not ideal, but it happened, you say the elder one apologised and you aren't bringing it up again. I think that's probably right.
Then there is the light the event and your mum's reaction sheds on your mum's relationship with the kids and with you. I think it's probably helpful to separate those two parts out because otherwise you will have people talking about which of your son's is to "blame" when really that isn't the issue any more.

I think it sounds really tough having come out of a difficult relationship and I know friends who really struggled with their kids after. And people assumed it was because they were a weak mother and not because the other parent was continually undermining them. I don't think you can rely on your mum for parenting advice (you probably know this) and I would also be careful she isn't also signalling to your children that you are weak/not an authority figure. To the extent that even when an accident happens at her house (and accidents happen) you are made to question your parenting skills not hers. Is it possible to set boundaries on how she talks/behaves in front of the children? Otherwise you could get locked in a cycle where she undermines you as a parent so the kids don't respect you as much as her so you rely on her to help you so she undermines you etc etc.

I'm not saying go NC or stop all contact. But there do seem to be issues with boundaries/respect happening.

That's not the case for many siblings though. You can't force two people to " live each other and have each others backs". They didn't choose to be brothers

Why is your mother home schooling your 13 year old?

She undermines you, plays favourites, and scapegoats your other children. Your 13 year old bullies your 11 year old for entertainment and your mother enables this. Your 11 year old is now injured and will have permanent scars because your mom wasn't supervising them. Why would you put him in her care more instead of regular school, where he'll be around kids his age and away from what sounds like her negative influence?

Just where was she that she didn't hear a panicked 11 year old screaming and beating on the door?

Then tell her you no longer need her help. YOU need to take control of the situation here, this is your life and they're your kids.

@Timeforachange26 I'm not forcing anything between them. I am not close with my siblings but I have never fought them. Plus just basic respect should apply for anybody they come across in life. They can't go around fighting and hurting people for entertainment or if someone annoys them

I agree with this.

13 y/o absolute dick and being pandered to by your mother due to favoured status.
An 11 year old with SEN has NO responsibility for what happens in a state of panic.

If your mum is going to help homeschool the 13yo this is only going to get worse.

You don't seem to have dealt with the situation, either with your mum or your eldest and the fact you need to ask if she is being fair suggests your boundaries are all over the place. It is painfully obvious that the situation was unfair to the 11 year old, and yet you seem to be very passive about the whole thing.

You aren't doing any children any favours, your 13yo will get worse and has no sense of responsibility, your 11 yo is blaming themselves for being bullied. I don't really understand why you aren't raging about this.

I suspect nothing will change, your mum will homeschool and it will have ramifications on all of your children, none of them good.

Although the injury happened at your mums you are the DC’s mum, it’s your decision how you parent them, it matters not one jot if your DM says your 11 is the one to blame.
You need to take some control back, the 13 year old being her favourite is irrelevant. You parent your DC’s as you see fit. I’d also say it’s not really of any concern to your younger DC’s, you are the adult and the parent here

The best thing you can do for your children is keep them away from your mother.
She is not good for them.

You did say you wanted him to be a " better " brother. And " love and respect" the sibling.

He doesn't have to live or even like the brother.

Your 11 year old is not to blame and as his mother it's up to you to look after him and defend him as necessary. You are letting the 13 year old being a bully and that's not right. Punish him and stop him going to the grandparents if they just spoil him and don't treat all your dc the same way.
It may be difficult but tell your DM that if she clearly favourism the eldest she will not be looking after your DC as it's unfair, the children cannot help who they look like, you have chosen the fathers they have not, grow a backbone and look after your DC properly and discipline them as necessary.

Oh yeah, lets blame the elderly woman whose house got trashed because the op's kids cant behave!

I understand this dynamic completely. The children's needs are very different and it's complicated to navigate. Wishing you all the best in your efforts for both your boys. X