AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

[vulpix123]

I just wanted to get people's thoughts on this please.

My 13 year old and my 11 year old went to my parent's house and whilst there my 11 year old got Injured..
My 13 year old locked my 11 year old in to the kitchen by shutting the door and staying on the other side so he couldn't open it. In a panicked state my 11 year old pushed forcefully and eventually his hand and arm went through a glass pane. He went to A&E and is still recovering, but will be scarred for life with the injuries.

My mum is saying that my 11 year old is to blame as he should have not panicked and gone out of the back door round to the front door to get back inside. He has autism and although higher functioning this could have also impacted his thinking at the time.
He is now taking the blame for it and saying he should have thought properly and not panicked..

I dont think he is at fault though at all. My 9 and 7 year old have even voiced that if my eldest was not blocking the door in the first place then it wouldn't have happened.

My mum's favourite grandchild is my eldest son and even though I heard her say at one point that they were both responsible, she is shifting it more on to my 11 year old.

no it isn't the favouritism stops or the visits stop tout court.

OP hasn't mentioned a husband or partner (I think); is she perhaps very very reliant on GPs for childcare and daren't rock the boat?

@LivelyGreyShark he has been given some jobs doing gardening for the grounds they live on, he is being paid for it but could pay towards the glass

13 year old needs meaningful consequences without interference from your mother. She needs a few consequences herself for the favouritism. The 11 year old panicked and is not to blame. Thank goodness it was not worse! I am sure they all got a fright today, time for a reset.

Just sounds like siblings messing around, it was an accident. No need for all the unpleasantness towards a 13yo as demonstrated by previous posters.

Same here.

However it has surely blown over by now, they are both kids. Your mum should be more realistic about this and not make such a big issue of it.

I hope the cuts heal well.

13 is old enough to understand the dangers and know exactly what he was doing. I've been a 13yo with an annoying 10yo brother and if I'd done something like this . . . I can't imagine what my parents would have done. I would not have been forgiven.

It sounds like siblings messing about and having a bad outcome. 13 year old should be making a proper apology to 11 year old, no sorry but.
the in laws on the other hand I would be stopping them seeing any of the kids until they can treat them all equally. Buying gifts for one child and not the others is out of order and is horrible for the younger kids. As their mother you need to step up and put a stop to this.

This, what is it recently with threads about 1 dreadful child and the poor perfect sibling, which results in the op cheering on the posters calling one child a dick,brat, awful, selfish etc etc with the pitchfork cries of “PUNISH THEM!! PUNISH THEM!!!”
?

Your 13 year old was bullying his ND younger sibling. That’s horrible in itself, regardless of the outcome.

That said, I suppose to fairly assess his blame for the injuries you should ask yourself “how forseeable was it, to DS13, that DD11 might panic and do something damaging?”. Maybe he just thought he’d get upset and cry (still bad, obviously) or maybe he knew that DS11 is prone to doing slightly crazy things when under pressure and wanted the entertainment- if so, that it extremely shitty behaviour even if he didn’t expect a serious injury to occur. Either way I’d be cross but more cross in the second instance obviously. Remember you are the mum and you are better placed than grandma to judge your eldest son’s motivation in this as you know him better.

Agree with other posters than ds11 will remember forever if you blame him.

Your mother/parents seem like a negative influence on your children. Are you financially beholden to them or have a house on their land or something? I would be seeking to massively restrict their time and influence, if they were my kids. If your oldest is unremorseful and all “jack the lad”, “not my fault” about this, I would be worried at what he might get himself into in the future. You don’t want to raise a right little psychopath/sociopath in the sense of causing harm to others but nothing is ever their fault. Keep a very close eye!

13 YO to blame equally with your mum. Where was she when this was happening?

And who the fuck blames an SEN kid over an older, neuro typical teenager?

The 13 year old was to blame but really couldn't be expected to foresee the seriousness of the consequences.

I also wonder that the grandparents weren't aware of any of this happening. I get that at 11 and 13 the children wouldn't be under constant supervision but you'd have thought if the 11 year old was hammering on the door, enough noise would have been created for them to intervene.

13 year old knew exactly what he was doing. I would be having serious words.

Unfortunately if there is favouritism, you have to keep them all away. It's very damaging.

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn
Haha what the heck.
This is not what is happening at all.
I didn't say either sibling was perfect nor do I want people calling him names or saying punish him with pitchforks..

The point of this post is that, my mum favours my eldest and nothing he ever does is wrong, I wanted to know from the outside perspective , people who have no biased opinions , on what was truly the case

Ultimately your Mum is to blame for not supervising the kids especially when one is autistic with older son coming in a close second for blame. Where was she when your son was trapped and presumably shouting/screaming for help?

Seems like the ideal punishment for your 13 year old would be not to go to his grandparents again.

I'm not sure if anyone else has mentioned this but I'd also want to make sure that the glass in my parent's house internal doors was safety glass in future. If they had safety glass fitted in the door then he would not have been hurt so badly. Why would your parents have dangerous glass in their house with young children running around?

Your parents are to blame as they clearly weren't watching them.... especially as I imagine they would have been making some noise during the incident.

I still remember my Dad doing this to me in a darkened kitchen and the house we lived in would mean / estimate my age as under 8, I was petrified. Not the 11YO’s fault at all. I think you need to be angrier with the 13YO to be honest.

Im terrible at this mumsnet thread and replying to everyone as I'm too slow and it's taking me ages to tag and reply?? I might be doing it wrong

The reason I have posted this today is that earlier on my mum came round and was short tempered with my 7 year old over something stupid . She often says that my 7 and 11 year old are most like their dad and I do feel like her resentment for my ex makes her feel that way about them as my 11 year old looks like him, the 7 year old acts like him. She said my 7 year old was cheeky and rude, but my 7 year old said that she is rude to him. He made a comment about she is not his "nannor" and she said that's fine with me, I'm happy with that , that means I dont have to get you birthday presents or christmas presents etc

She went out for a while and returned back and spoke about us meeting up this week as family members my siblings and nieces and nephews are visiting and staying at her address. She told me that she can collect 3 of my children in her car and specifically stated that she would not be willing to collect my 7 year old, as he rages her and she "clenched her palm" to the sky and said he is rude and I said you cant say that, he is only 7 (not about the rude thing. About not wanting to collect him) and she said i know how old he is , old enough not to be cheeky!

I have fallen out with my mum so many times about my eldest son being favourited and treated differently to the others and now mixing in her being this way today , I spoke to Google gemini and they confirmed my feelings to being correct, but of course that is AI and not real people.
I also am bad at confronting but I do want to say something to her about this as I dont want my 7 year old feeling uncomfortable and me too

You need to advocate as you have been for your 11 year old. I still remember my sister locking me in an outside toilet at our Grandparents as there was a bolt on the outside of the door.
I was beside myself and hysterical by the time they let me out, my sister got told off but I also got a telling off for making such a fuss as “I should have known someone would have let me out…”
I was about 6 and I still remember vividly the injustice of it now despite being in my 40’s.
If his brother hadn’t been blocking his exit he wouldn’t have put his arm through the glass, I hope your eldest realises how lucky he is that his brother was quickly patched up and will be ok, and I would be telling your Mum that if she can’t see why the eldest was at fault she won’t be left in sole charge of them.

As someone who had this exact thing happen to them at age 13, your 13 yo is to blame. This was a half glass door I went through. I have a very prominent scar on my chin and my wrist. I had to have glass removed from both areas and the cut on my chin was curved with a big portion of skin hanging off. It also made anaesthetic tricky so I ended up having some stitches without it. It was horrifying. Your 11 yr old needs to know you have his back in this moment. His brother needs to apologise to him in front of you so you know it has been done. You 11yo needs to know he wasn't at fault. And your 13yo needs punishment. And keeping away from your parents while said punishment happens so they cannot undermine your decision IMO

It is hard to do so when I have others influencing that he is not to blame!

You're the parent here. What you say goes. You have the final decision, not your mother who plays favourites and you know it. Of course he's to blame. He's 13 and old enough to know not to do stupid shit like that to his siblings. Your mom left them alone, that was some shit supervision there.

Read up on the golden child dynamic. That's where one child or grandchild is favoured over all the others, that would be your mom favouring your 13 year old, and there's usually a scapegoat that gets blamed, that would be your 11 year old. It's an extremely damaging dynamic.