AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

[vulpix123]

I just wanted to get people's thoughts on this please.

My 13 year old and my 11 year old went to my parent's house and whilst there my 11 year old got Injured..
My 13 year old locked my 11 year old in to the kitchen by shutting the door and staying on the other side so he couldn't open it. In a panicked state my 11 year old pushed forcefully and eventually his hand and arm went through a glass pane. He went to A&E and is still recovering, but will be scarred for life with the injuries.

My mum is saying that my 11 year old is to blame as he should have not panicked and gone out of the back door round to the front door to get back inside. He has autism and although higher functioning this could have also impacted his thinking at the time.
He is now taking the blame for it and saying he should have thought properly and not panicked..

I dont think he is at fault though at all. My 9 and 7 year old have even voiced that if my eldest was not blocking the door in the first place then it wouldn't have happened.

My mum's favourite grandchild is my eldest son and even though I heard her say at one point that they were both responsible, she is shifting it more on to my 11 year old.

Your 11yr old may have been clumsy and overreactive. Thats an accident

And it was only as a direct result of his eldest sibling being a bully. He tried to frighten his brother and succeeded with dire consequences.

You need to tell your DM that you want 13yr old to grow up to be accountable. That this was nasty, dangerous thing for 13 yr old to do.

I hope hes embarrassed and apologies to his brother.

And if your mother cant treat them equally or blames 11 year old, I wouldnt have them over there unsupervised

It was your 13 year old’s fault (obviously he would have intended for his brother to get hurt) and not your 11 year old’s.

Firstly your parents need to get safety glass in their doors.
Secondly imo your eldest needs to spend less time at his grandparents as It’s making his behaviour worse because he knows he’ll get away with it.
I would tell your dm that if she wants to see her favourite dgc then she needs to treat them all the same.
And the eldest would be lending all his tech to his 11 year old db for 2 weeks as reparation.

You need to stop this now. She is doing damage by her favouritism and you need to step in once and for all.

I can't quite believe how passive you are about your own life and your own children.

You're posting like it's out of your hands. Grow up and sort this out.

Quite frankly I feel for all your children because this dynamic will not help any of them in the long run and certainly won’t make for happy families when they are older.

you need to take control of this now. The 13 year old needs a proportionate punishment, privileges being removed including being away from the gran for a reasonable period of time so she doesn’t undermine you on this. What if your 11 year old did hit an artery and bleed out??? He needs to understand the full consequences of his actions and your mother need a bloody big head wobble about the favouritism thing.

your 11 year old needs tlc and support because what happened is traumatic and frankly anyone would do the same as him (a family member shoved their hand and arm through a door window when we had a fire - even though it was unlocked. It was a fight or flight response and absolutely reasonable given the circumstances.

your poor 7 year old… for this you should be limiting contact. The emotional damage this behaviour causes to children is undeniable.

are they staying with her? Is she local to you?

you are the parent, time to step up and take control.

Don't let your mum near your kids.
She is messing with their heads.
It's cruel what she said to 7 yo and it's cruel blaming 11yo when he has had a terrible day because she wasn't watching him.
Your oldest son will grow up entitled

No.it isn't. Others can think and say what they like but you are the parent of both children and what you say hoe's. If the 13 yr old were mine he would be paying for the door to be mended, even if that means he dies jobs around your house to earn the money. Whatever was he thinking? And where was DGM in all this, if she was oblivious to the uproar in and around her kitchen? I could have understood her not knowing, if the boys were up in a bedroom but most kitchens are pretty central to the house.

Your poor 11 and 7 year old, those kind of comments about them being like their (presumably not ideal) dad are so damaging esp compared to her idolising the eldest. She’s being really unkind to all of them in different ways.

I think the correct thing to do would be sit down quietly with the 13 year old and speak to him like an adult - I know you didn’t mean for X to get hurt but you knew you were trapping and scaring him, and you know the kitchen has a lot of dangerous things in it even forgetting the window. The end result is really bad but could have been so much worse and your brother could be in hospital or even dead now because of the situation you created. Thank God he’s not. But you’re a teenager now and old enough to see how scary that is for all of us.

Get him to apologise to his brother for frightening him, and keep them ALL away from your mum for at least a week to allow a reset and hopefully for her to learn a lesson about supervising the kids. They’re YOUR kids, you love them equally and the situation with her needs serious change.

I hope your little boy recovers quickly.

This is a complete re run of what happened to my husband after his brother locked the glass door whilst they were chasing each other around. This is over 60 years ago now. My husband bore the scars of running through the glass till his dying day. There was no apportion of blame, they were both stupid.
it just shows that kids don’t think things through, even if supervised I doubt whether anyone could have foreseen their actions.
Both your lads are equally responsible.

In the nicest way why is your mum anywhere near any of your children? She sounds totally toxic. She spoils one child, blames another and excluded another. I'm not sure what she's like with your 9 year old but I'm guessing that's not a good relationship either.
Your mum is totally out of line and I would go low contact with her. You need to protect all your children from her.

In my house the oldest would be in big trouble. I tell them when they're fighting to never push a door closed on someone or hold it closed on someone trying to push it open - that people can get very hurt by doors slamming or pushing open unexpectedly.
I know they didn't intend for the younger one to be hurt so badly, but their poor choices did lead to it. Hopefully they've learned their lesson.
I'd be very clear to the 11 year old that it wasn't all their fault but that they need to be able to better manage their reactions and make better decisions. That's not blaming - I have a high functioning AuDHD kid - but they need to learn how to manage a situation like that so they don't hurt themselves again.

if it’s anyone’s fault it’s your parents for having single pane glazing in their home that a child can put their hand through

@WitcheryDivine my eldest is a different father, he doesnt want a relationship with his dad.
The other 5 are all the same father but we are no longer together, he was damaging to us all , i have a non molestation order against him now . My ex and my mum didn't get on as he hated her favouritsm towards my eldest and we would all argue and go round in circles, i was stuck in the middle. And at times I wouldnt speak to my mum at all
But it is hard as she is my only support and if I dont speak to her I'm solely on my own. That makes it hard sometimes what I say to her, she has physically attacked me before and I also have been through DV and so I am not great at confrontation or disapline.
But the strange thing is that she also hates my eldest sons dad but she doesnt let that affect her relationship with him , but she does comment how he looks like our side of the family etc

You don't need AI to confirm your feelings. I am telling you your feelings are correct and your mother is a dickhead (sorry for my language) but she is showing blatant favouritism and those kids will not forget.

Thress guesses at which kids won't be visiting the battle axe of a 'nannor' when she is in the nursing home?
Yep, these old trouts forget that they will be older one day and these kids won't forget it.
I would be limiting or stopping time at 'nannors' until nana can behave like a grown up.
@vulpix123

AI just echo’s your own thoughts back to you, so I wouldn’t take notice of that tbh.

Surely it is equally both of their fault.

People saying it’s the eldest who pushed him to do it but we don’t know the reasons why the eldest closed the door on the first place - perhaps DS was winding them up or hitting them etc.

I do think you need to be careful you’re not favouring your younger DC, which is why your mum favours your eldest, especially as you say they have different dads and the younger one is ND - I can easily see how the eldest may have felt pushed out.

If this was the real world and they’re older, your younger one would not get away with criminal damage just because someone wound them up.

But it was a silly sibling squabble and they should both apologise for their actions in it and pay for the repairs and then it be done.
It was just an accident and neither should feel too bad about it.

'I dont think he is at fault though at all.'

Not every child who is locked in a room would push their fist through a glass door. He had other options. So, he isn't totally blameless here. I do get he may not have thought them thru in the moment.

Your 13 year old started a chain of events that weren't totally foreseeable - so he did not think things through either. But it's unfair to pour all your blame on him and totally exonerate your 11 year old.

Your example has the same outcome but a totally different cause. Incomparable.

OP my parents used to call what my brother did normal sibling stuff. It wasn't. He was older and bigger and bullied me horribly. I see it as abusive and 40 years later still see them all as culpable. I moved past it because I'm a happy adult. But it was abusive.

I once broke my brother's finger and ripped off two of his finger nails, we were at a neighbour's house and he was chasing me (game) the way their downstairs was set up you could run from the hallway into the kitchen across the back through the dining room into the living room and back into the hallway, like an oval/circle. At once point he nearly caught me and I slammed the door behind me catching his hand in it. I was devastated there was a lot of blood. We both got a talking to (after the hospital) for games going too far and not being safe and someone inevitably getting hurt.

If your 13 year old was messing around I don't think he could've predicted an 11 year old putting their arm through a glass window in a door. I have a ND husband and child, they do still need to learn to manage reactions and behaviours. I would talk separately to both

@vulpix123 11 year old not at fault. 11 year old was in a panic, but that was a direct consequence of the situation.

13 year old is a dickhead who is surely old enough to know that playing with a door is a surefire way for someone to get hurt.

At 11 and 13, you would not necessarily supervise every second-this could have have happened in less than the time it took your mum to go to the toilet!
Obviously with SEND children, extra supervision can be needed, and it is up to the parents/carers to discuss this, but most parents in this situation would leave the children for 3 minutes, so I can't see the grandma is to blame (for the accident-not for what she said), unless of course you had warned her not to leave them even for a couple of minutes, OP.

It sounds as though you don’t have faith in your own judgement because of your mum. I think you need to be careful about the influence she’s having over you and your eldest.
I’m not sure punishment is actually the most useful or effective thing here- he won’t really learn anything from it and your mum will undermine the punishment by telling him it’s unjust. I think it’s more important on focusing on helping your eldest understand his fault and responsibilities- he caused his brother to panic whether intentional or not and his behaviour can have serious consequences.
Also don’t force an apology if it’s not genuine

Was your mum looking after all of your 6 children at once?

That's outright bullying and the 13-year-old needs to be punished

And he needs to understand serious seriousness of what he's done.

@chocoluv
I guess I'm not really trying to blame on either of them necessarily, I just wanted to know if my mum is just defending my eldest as she always does and he can never be wrong.

My eldest is forever winding up my 11 year old and physically hurts him, as he "annoys him" I know siblings fight and bickering is normal.
I can assure you I am not favouring anybody! And it is not the case of my mum favours my eldest to make up for me favouring my 11 year old -- he has been her favourite since the day he was born , she has other grandchildren but I've never treated them different even with the autism , I have 2 sons with autism , I could write a book with the amount of stuff that my mum has done for my eldest and not the others even as we speak! He is staying there with his cousins and my others are not as there is no room not even for my 11 year old who wants to go and stay - When they could easily make room