AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

[vulpix123]

I just wanted to get people's thoughts on this please.

My 13 year old and my 11 year old went to my parent's house and whilst there my 11 year old got Injured..
My 13 year old locked my 11 year old in to the kitchen by shutting the door and staying on the other side so he couldn't open it. In a panicked state my 11 year old pushed forcefully and eventually his hand and arm went through a glass pane. He went to A&E and is still recovering, but will be scarred for life with the injuries.

My mum is saying that my 11 year old is to blame as he should have not panicked and gone out of the back door round to the front door to get back inside. He has autism and although higher functioning this could have also impacted his thinking at the time.
He is now taking the blame for it and saying he should have thought properly and not panicked..

I dont think he is at fault though at all. My 9 and 7 year old have even voiced that if my eldest was not blocking the door in the first place then it wouldn't have happened.

My mum's favourite grandchild is my eldest son and even though I heard her say at one point that they were both responsible, she is shifting it more on to my 11 year old.

@BurnoutGP my dad was working, my mum was out of the house i believe, they live on a private land and she was in the garden somewhere. When it first happened my 13 year old was extremely quiet for the rest of the day and feeling bad I think he has apologised, but there hasn't necessarily been a punishment. It is hard to do so when I have others influencing that he is not to blame!

Of course the 13 year old is to blame, he was bullying your 11 year old.

Your 13 year old was stupid
and stupidity can lead to accidents - this one did
he needs to hugely reflect on what his actions resulted in
he is entirely to blame
however he is a child and he can and should reflect and never do anything like that again

Agreed. And he should pay for the repair.

When it first happened my 13 year old was extremely quiet for the rest of the day and feeling bad I think he has apologised, but there hasn't necessarily been a punishment. It is hard to do so when I have others influencing that he is not to blame!

Oh don't be so ridiculous.

He's YOUR son.

He locked YOUR other son in the kitchen and this led to him being injured.

Just bloody punish him like any other parent would.

You don't need anyone else's input.

And what do you mean "I think he's apologised"

Is this a wind up?

Had he actually locked him in? Why is it seen as favouritism for 13yo? Is there a possibility she sees that you favour the 11yo? Why have your other children been brought in to voice how awful the 13yo is? Were they involved?

It shouldn't be hard at all! Where is the advocacy for your son who is hurt??

You are the parent, stop letting your parents get involved. Tell them to stop and you are dealing with the situation.

go home.

I would be going absolutely nuts at the 13 year old. What a nasty thing to do.

Tbh, I would expect an 11yo to not panic or do something as insane as push his arm through a glass pane.

I would also not expect my 13yo to not be a bully to his younger sibling.

In my house, these are the sorts of things that children do, because they lack common sense and the ability to think straight. They’d both need to learn different lessons, and both not be so stupid in their different ways.

As for your mum’s favouritism, that’s a separate conversation. It was your 11yo’s fault in that he did the action and is old enough to have known better; and not your 13yo’s in that he wouldn’t have thought that pushing your arm through glass is what would ensue if you lean against a door someone is trying to use to get out. It’s not like the house was on fire. So in this instance, I think your mum is probably right but that doesn’t mean she always is, clearly.

Your 13 year old was being a dick but he couldn’t have known that your 11 year old would smash the glass. If the 11 year old had waited or gone out a different way, nobody would be making anything like the same fuss now.

If he deserves punishment, which he clearly does, you punish him and ignore what your mum is saying. Why should she have any role? I'd say to him that you know he feels bad so you've left it a bit as you know he never planned for his brother to get hurt, but he needs to be punished for locking him in and doing nothing about it when he knew he was frightened. Rhen apply the appropritae consequence (nothing too harsh as ultimately it was an accident). And ask him to apologise.

@SandwichSuperstar

I wish it was a wind up

I'm saying I "think " he has as I'd like to hope he apolised at the time - I wasn't there when it happened and I haven't heard him say it directly to my 11 year old since then - when I spoke to my 13 year old his response to me was like yeah sorry but its not really my fault. It wasn't a sincere apology as he doesn't believe it is his fault.

My situation is that I have tried disapling my eldest in different ways before for example taking phones, consoles etc but he goes to my parents and he gets treated and bought things, where as the others dont , it doesnt really do anything and he doesn't really listen to me

Does it have to be anyone’s fault? Sounds like typical siblings winding each other up which has unfortunately resulted in an accident.

Are they all at your parents for the forseeable?

Because at 13, I wouldn't be punishing per se. I would be coaching and agreeing consequences. " i can see you're quiet so I know you know how.serious this is. Why did it happen and how will you make this right?"

However I've been coaching this since toddlerhood so it's not a cold start for a teenager.

Sounds like a stupid accident to me. Neither is to “blame” but they should be reminded that their silly behaviour led to a bad accident.

Christ.

ASK the kid if he's apologised and check with your 11 year old too!

Sorry, but you really need to do some parenting here, big time.

I don’t like the comments calling OP’s eldest a nightmare, nasty or awful.

He is 13 and did something silly while messing around with his sibling, while I agree he is to blame for the accident that is all it was, a (preventable)@ accident. Most siblings have inadvertently hurt their siblings at some point, it’s not like he’s a psychopath that wanted his brother to get hurt I'm sure.

Definitely not your 11 year old to blame. Your eldest child at their big age, should know better than to behave like this.

Your mum and her blatant favouritism is a different and bigger issue. It’s very possibly already driving a wedge between all of her grandchildren and her judgement is impaired by it. I wouldn’t trust her to treat them fairly.

FWIW my ex in-laws clearly favoured my eldest over her brother. Luckily for my children it didn’t drive a wedge between them
but it has permanently damaged the relationship they have with their only grandchildren. Both children noticed and distanced themselves.

What do you mean its hard to do so?
He did something to an autistic 11 year old that caused them to panic and as a result of that they were injured.

You dont need your relatives approval to punish him. You are his parent. Discipline him.

@RandomUsernameHere it doesnt necessarily have to be anyone's fault - however my mum let's her favouritism cloud her view and my eldest can never be wrong. She is crazy defensive if any of the others say he has done something

Why didn’t grandma step in to stop the tomfoolery?

They're your kids.

It has nothing whatsoever to do with your mother if you choose to punish him.

Send your oldest to your parents, they can keep him and them safe, when they call you to day they've been hurt tell them that hes the fave and deal with it, your other kids aren't getting sliced up. When they moan he doesn't listen....just say yeah.....you made this. Then hand up. You eldest could've killed your 11 ye old.

If that's the case your parents are undermining you.