AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

[vulpix123]

I just wanted to get people's thoughts on this please.

My 13 year old and my 11 year old went to my parent's house and whilst there my 11 year old got Injured..
My 13 year old locked my 11 year old in to the kitchen by shutting the door and staying on the other side so he couldn't open it. In a panicked state my 11 year old pushed forcefully and eventually his hand and arm went through a glass pane. He went to A&E and is still recovering, but will be scarred for life with the injuries.

My mum is saying that my 11 year old is to blame as he should have not panicked and gone out of the back door round to the front door to get back inside. He has autism and although higher functioning this could have also impacted his thinking at the time.
He is now taking the blame for it and saying he should have thought properly and not panicked..

I dont think he is at fault though at all. My 9 and 7 year old have even voiced that if my eldest was not blocking the door in the first place then it wouldn't have happened.

My mum's favourite grandchild is my eldest son and even though I heard her say at one point that they were both responsible, she is shifting it more on to my 11 year old.

To add, when I say put the incident in the past obviously the wound is still healing so I know you can't put that part in the past. But the time window for punishments/apologies etc is probably past. I hope his arm heals well and the doctors goes OK.

@Shouldgivethisup give it a rest. I dont favour any of them
I'm not negative about my eldest son at all, I am stating my mum treats him different to my other children and thats what my issue was about this situation as he can do no wrong - when he started it. Id say that about any of my children that was behind the door even if it was the other way round between the 2 of them

Okay but you're the parent here, not your mum stop blaming her - if your mum isn't capable of looking after them, then they don't go there without you. And have a stern bloody word with the 13 year old that bullying his younger sibling is not on.

@Persephonia1966 yes exactly and thank you.

Yes he was/is vile, I'm 38 next week and still wont look him in the eye or speak to him. We live a few miles from alder hey but was rushed into the nearest (adults only) hospital and a surgeon flew from London by heli to operate, if I'd have gone to Alder hey childrens hospital to be operated on I wouldn't be here.
You've had some really horrible replies on here. I don't think you favour or blame either. It was an accident, your 13 yo didn't think I'll lock him in so he nearly severs an artery and your 11 year old im sure never for a second though about it, its natural to push the door before trying another way. But it's an accident that could have been prevented had your 13 yo just not done it, it's not blame it's a fact. My mum is the same as yours and my only support out of my home so I have to put up with it and its just a horrible situation.
Sorry to hear that 😞 it will be a long recovery for him fingers crossed they can sort it quickly.

I have read the full posts you’ve made and to me it reads as though you have expressed negativity about your eldest lad. Just my opinion. Good luck.

I would be absolutely gutted that your 11 year old has been so seriously injured, in pain, still recovering and scarred for life. In no way would I remotely suggest that in any way he was to blame. It would never have occurred to me that I would have to supervise children aged 11 and 13 in my own kitchen ! They would be playing out on their bikes unsupervised if they lived here. Your 13 year old was well out of order and needs to be told how his stupidity has harmed his younger brother, and apologise profusely !

Have you got kids of 11 and 13. You really shouldn't need to be constantly hovering over them at that age.

I think some people are getting everything twisted up here to be honest.
I'm not blaming my mum for it, I'm not looking to blame anybody nor do I have negative feelings about any of my children, I don't have a favourite and my eldest doesn't get over looked because my son has autism etc etc

This thread was just to help me understand if what my mum was saying was true about it not being my eldest sons fault - and wether it is truth or wether she is just saying that because my mum favours my eldest son and he can't do any wrong in her eyes. And some things she does to my children are not fair just because she has a favourite, that's all.

Is your mum generally truthful? Was she fair to you and your sister, growing up? We don’t know her, lovely. So sorry you’re so upset by this; it’s been a while and it’s awful you’re still so worried. Focus on the good stuff xx

They are both children. It was an accident neither would have foreseen. Both should be told off for being silly. They should apologise to each other and your mother for behaving as they did but 13 year old should not shoulder the blame for an accident. You could discuss how consequences of messing around can cause serious harm but also insist your mother drops her attitude about what was an accident neither could have foreseen.

Tell him he is not to go running to granny every time he is justifiably punished, and if they buy him things to make up for it, those things will be confiscated also.

How far away does your mum live? It sounds like you need to stop the children going around there.

YANBU The 13 year old should pay for the damage.

It sounds like horseplay gone wrong as is so often the case
kudos to the eleven yeat old for having the maturity to reflect
The only one not to blame is your mum who shouldnt have to supervise eleven and thirteen year olds for them not to smash windows and land each other in hospital

With what?? At that age it would be the mother paying

I think this is probably close to my thoughts- though to be fair I’m not sure an 11 and a 13 year old should generally require close supervision- I know I was not aware of every movement of, or altercation between, my DC’s at age- I’d hear plenty about it afterwards, sure- but I would not always be supervising them at that age.

I think you need to be wary you are not blowing this up into something it’s not because you feel defensive towards your son as a result of your mums attitude towards it. It does sound like it was an unfortunate incident, with a serious outcome (injury) but it was not necessarily foreseeable that this was the outcome of what your eldest did. It was not your 11 year olds fault- he did panic and did not take the alternate route out or wait it out- he was either upset or angry (or both)- whilst I’m not suggesting what your 13 yer old did was particularly nice, I don’t think he intended or could have foreseen that the outcome would be his brother putting his arm through a pane of glass.

Your 13 year old has not been horrific or deliberately hurt his brother- yes he needs to learn from it, but it sounds like unintended consequences of stupid teenage nonsense rather than malicious behaviour. Honesty, unless there is a background of horrible behaviour that concerns you more generally, I would chalk this up to being a serious but unfortunate incident.An apology given, yes, but I don’t think he is some emerging teen delinquent based on this one incident. I wouldn’t heavily punish him either, unless there are further background incidents and issues not mentioned in the post.

You don’t mention what was happening before- they could have been messing around and your eldest took a step too far, or they might have been winding each other up all day, or your younger one might have been doing equally silly things beforehand and it’s just that he got panicked by this particular thing (not being able to open the door). Or it could just be your eldest being a bit unkind and winding up his brother-I think all of my siblings would do petty things to wind each other up from time to time. I know my DC did too. I think if he’d done this and the outcome had been nothing more than your son being upset- you’d probably have told the older one off for being thoughtless and moved on (if you’d even found out about it). As it was not inevitable or likely that this would have led to injury to his brother, I think that should be borne in mind.

What a dreadful shock and accident. Your 11yr old must have been so frightened.
I would not allow my 13yr old to go to their nans. Sounds like she doesn’t really help with childcare for the others anyway, so keep them all at home. Either they are all treated well or none of them are. It will severely damage your children’s relationships with one another and possibly you if this is allowed to continue.
Your 13yr old physically abusing his brother and now causing an accident that could have killed him would have me coming down on him like a ton of bricks for the spitefulness. He needs to actually apologise, think about what he has caused and have distance from your mother.

Have you absolutely bollocked your eldest for locking your panicked son in the kitchen? I don't mean consequences of no screens etc. But made it absolutely clear that he has crossed a line and you are pissed off and it is completely unacceptable?

Tbh it sounds like they were both to blame. Both should have known better. Both messing about and being silly. It sounds like 11 year old completely overreacted though and maybe your mum has a better idea as she was there. It is very annoying when family members always seem to blame one child but make sure you don’t go the other way to compensate.

This
why was it even allowed to happen
in work in a hospital and used to be an A&E admin and you’ll be lucky if the on duty social worker isn’t called for an injury like this to be honest.

I disagree i think its the 11yo. He put his arm through. 11 is old enough to know glass is breakable.
The 13yo is at fault for shutting him in there. But context is important - are they frequently messing with doors?
or does 11yo overreact a lot due to asd?

I have kids these same ages….and my 11 year old is also autistic!

The 13 year old has picked on a disabled child and now appears to be getting away with it?
This is the trouble when the eldest is grandmas favourite!!!!

Personally, I would be punishing the 13 year old and removing all electronics until he can act his age….
and we wouldn’t be going to grandmas anymore if she isn’t able to properly care for them due to her favouritism.

Blaming a child for panicking is unreal, especially when that child has diagnosed disabilities!!! I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous!

How did this event even come about? Where was Granny while the 13 year old was acting like a bully???
I would be telling grandma that it doesn’t sound like the kids are receiving adequate care or attention there and that both her behaviour and subsequent reaction are totally inappropriate.

Good luck. I know teenagers can get silly but the 13 year old acting like a class thug is not good for your family dynamic at all. None of this is helped with nightmare grandparent attitudes of course,

Hope your little guy is ok and the teenager understands the seriousness too.

🌻🌸🌼

It doesn’t matter what your mum thinks OP.

Your 13 year old was unkind shutting your younger son in the kitchen, and I would want to know WHY he did it before I decided what to do about it. Your youngest putting his arm through the glass was not really a foreseeable consequence of what he did, so I would give whatever consequence i would have doled out if he had shut his brother in the kitchen without the dreadful outcome.

This isn’t your youngest child’s fault and I would make sure he knew it wasn’t. However, he wasn’t in actual danger from being shut in the kitchen and his reaction turned the situation from not-dangerous (although upsetting and unpleasant) to extremely dangerous. So it’s a good thing that he’s now saying he should have kept calm, because that will help him stay safe in future. You can reassure him that he isn’t to blame while still acknowledging that stopping to think ‘am I really in danger? What’s the safest way to get out of this situation?’ might be helpful.

Edited to say: I think it’s also really important to drill into your eldest that you do not mess around with doors, EVER, and this incident proves how serious the injuries can be when you slam doors/shut people in etc. I know so many kids who have broken fingers, damaged fingernails etc after getting them trapped in doors, my own included 🤦🏼‍♀️

What difference does it make what your mum thinks? You’re the parent- discipline as you see fit. Her opinion is meaningless