AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

[vulpix123]

I just wanted to get people's thoughts on this please.

My 13 year old and my 11 year old went to my parent's house and whilst there my 11 year old got Injured..
My 13 year old locked my 11 year old in to the kitchen by shutting the door and staying on the other side so he couldn't open it. In a panicked state my 11 year old pushed forcefully and eventually his hand and arm went through a glass pane. He went to A&E and is still recovering, but will be scarred for life with the injuries.

My mum is saying that my 11 year old is to blame as he should have not panicked and gone out of the back door round to the front door to get back inside. He has autism and although higher functioning this could have also impacted his thinking at the time.
He is now taking the blame for it and saying he should have thought properly and not panicked..

I dont think he is at fault though at all. My 9 and 7 year old have even voiced that if my eldest was not blocking the door in the first place then it wouldn't have happened.

My mum's favourite grandchild is my eldest son and even though I heard her say at one point that they were both responsible, she is shifting it more on to my 11 year old.

@chocoluv you seem to wanting to blame me here haha. I allowed them to go with my parents as they listen to them more than me, so I would have imagined they were safer and more well behaved.

It is nothing to do with being unfair on my mum or my children being difficult- She is not fair to my children and is to my sister and her children - she drives up north for weeks on end and has them , facts

I wouldn't blame anyone for their actions whilst panicking, let alone a child.

13 year old would be grounded here and made to apologise. He'd also not go to his grandparents during being grounded so there would be nothing nice for him from them.
Kids who don't listen or respond to punishments usually don't because it's not consistent. Sometimes it can take months to get to a point where they respond and change their behaviour.

I can sympathise with your Mum not helping matters though - mine was very much "Poor X! Why is he in trouble again? Don't worry baby, Granny will make it all better."
Used to drive me up the wall and one day I exploded at her over it. Not my finest moment but things did actually get better after that.

Hope your 11 year old recovers soon.

You can deal with a difficult situation by concentrating on how do we fix this/what constructive things can we do or your can concentrate on who do we blame. You've chosen the least helpful one.

My kids ended up hating their grandmother for favouritism and different treatments. Even the favourite couldn’t stand her, she was so blatant. He had to tell her himself to acknowledge the least favoured and treat him the same. Not that she did, but in the end , she was the loser. Their choice. My own mother was also showing preferences at a very early age so none of my children would recognise her now if they met her. I barred her from our lives. Nobody makes any of my kids feel less than. Now she makes victim comments to me but tough. You need to advocate for your children. They can’t help who their father is and she needs to do better. Your eldest should not be running to her to avoid consequences . You are the parent, so parent . 11 yr old is not to blame. There’s no reason to believe he’d expect the glass to break while in panic mode.

He is punished by the consequences. Dont think he needs any aditional punishment. While what he did was bad, its not his fault his brother put his hand through the glass. Dont think anybody would predict that if we take the SEN out of it. We dont know your 11yo so cant tell if anyone could reasonably predict that this is what could happen to him.

@musicandmen my eldest son is just a stroppy teenager at times and likes his own space, says his brother annoys him etc , but he knows he can over power him so can take advantage of that. Sometimes my 13 year old just isn't a good brother to him in general, when my 11 year old has been out with him and his mates, if they have done things to upset my 11 year old , he doesn't stick up for him.
My mum also says my 11 year old doesn't read the room and have good social cues when he is not wanted etc (so in other words when my eldest has had enough of him, but that day they both decided to go together and it had been 10 minutes since being there!

Your mums treatment of your children is damaging them and is actively causing a divide. You are letting it happen if you let the relationship with her continue. Your poor 7 year old. Her comments and behaviour will scar them and really affect how they are when they grow up, especially with how they are with each other.

@chocoluv also forgot to add she never wanted to babysit mine, until they were not breastfed anymore, until they were out of nappies etc.. all kinds of reasons! But does for my sisters children, who 1 is in nappies

13yo is a bully. 11yo panicked, which many people would do, autism or not. As PPs have said, your 11yo will remember how you reacted to this situation and whether you stood up for him or not. 13yo needs a proper dressing-down, and the favouritism from GM needs to be knocked on the head.

Your eldest probably doesn’t want him hanging around with him and his friends though!! I used to get this too- can I go bowling take your brother - no tell him to get his own mates he can’t hang around with mine!!

a good brother doesn’t mean he has to be his keeper and protector! It seems to me here that the 13 year old is sick of the 11 year old and the 11 year old wants him to be hands on. So I don’t think either was to blame, there needs to be different expectations set about their relationship. Ie 13 year old needs to be nicer but 11 year old can’t force them to be best friends and needs to form his own relationships

If this happened at school and they weren't siblings, who would you blame then?
This is bullying in its purest form and the 13yr old should be punished accordingly. He should be ashamed of himself and so should your mother!

Your 13yo needs to seriously up his brother game or he’d be losing a lot of privileges. He knows his brother is easily wound up, knows his autism means he finds it hard to cope with unpredictable situations, and still locked him in. It was bullying and he needs to be punished for it,

Your 13 year old was the arsehole in this situation. My sister did similar things to me on a regular basis and my arm went through a glass pane because of her. I have a permanent reminder in the shape of a keloid scar on my elbow. I also have cPTSD for all the shit she put me through. You need to read him the riot act, not to the one who got injured.

I agree with this. It wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t lock him out.

I’m not trying to blame you but you were well aware that they fight so badly that you have to separate them but yet let them both go to your mums.

You keep saying your mum doesn’t like having your other kids - but look what happens when she does.

I feel you’re putting a lot of blame on your mum when you admit this sort of thing happens regularly at your own home.

Obviously your mum is probably going to favour your eldest. Of course she shouldn’t show it but he is the odd one out of the 6 kids.

He would have been less than 2 years old when you got with your new DP and started having more kids, so she probably felt a bit sorry for him not having his dad so gave him a bit of extra attention and then it carried on from there.

You say she didn’t get on with the ex and so it is reasonable that she didn’t have his 5 kids whilst you were with him.
And now that you’re not with him, she will likely be accused of playing favourites if she just took a couple of them.

Gently, some of your kids seem a bit of a handful and she is only going to help you out with the ones she can cope with.

Both kids are to blame but you seem set on trying to blame the eldest and your mum, like it’s them against you and your other DC.

It was a silly sibling squabble and both are to blame and both should apologise.
They should not be going back to your mums house together until they start getting on better.

@Peachy2005
I have done that many times. Problem is that my children dont have any family where we live or any other family members that bother with them ( on father's side) so I do feel like if my parents are not involved - we have nobody.
Dont have a house on their land and no financial help

The reason he is saying it isnt his fault is because of what he has heard about it not being his fault from his nan!

@watchingthishtread I understand your point. This was in June time and it has just been on my mind since , but as I've said it isn't really about blaming either of them as it has been done now, This thread was to see if my mum was just defending my eldest because he is her favourite

I’m sorry but “needing the support” is not a good enough reason to inflict your mother’s hatred on your 11 or 7 yr old. Sure, she might do some babysitting for you but that’s not justification for completely fucking these poor kids up into adulthood as well as seriously jeopardising any relationship they might have with each other as adults. You need to woman up and keep all of your children away from your mother, they didn’t ask to be born after all.

I do think the 13 year old should apologise, however I’d expect most 11 year olds to know not to push a glass door and shatter it. They’d wait in the kitchen and shout out for some one.

No your 11 year old is not to blame at all.
This happened to me when I was 7 except there was a full grown adult man in his 40s on the other side of the door. I did hit an artery and amazing im still alive. I can remember the paramedics telling me to stay awake and he was somewhere in the room to saying is she going to die? I thought she was just wanting to shake hands dont know why she had to push so hard..... whilst I was dying though. Nobody ever told me it was ny fault except him and to say I despise him for it would be an understatement.
Your poor boy has been very lucky although I'm sure he doesn't feel it. Hope he recovers soon xxx

Yes well I was together with my eldest sons dad for 4 years and then we had already broke up when I found out I was expecting, I was still living with my parents. my mum has made comments that she feels bad that he comes from a broken home as me and his dad were not together (though she was glad we weren't) but It wasn't that my eldest didnt have a dad, he did and 2 years ago he decided he didnt want to see his dad anymore due to him making his mental health decline.
She says she feels closer to my eldest as I lived with her for 2 years after he was born with him.

No if I explained the full story, it is obvious that I'm treated very unfairly out of my siblings and it clearly passes on to the children too , which it shouldnt

@vulpix123
You let your eldest know that you know what consequences his actions caused to his brother; supposing he'd severed an artery?
You tell your mother that your eldest was to blame and he may be her favourite but isn't she a grandmother to ALL of your children?
And even the youngest two ffs knew/figured out he was in the wrong
I personally would demand the eldest apologise, to his brother and mean it
And I would then tell my mother the eldest did what he did knowing he'd somehow not get the blame and its time the scales fell from her eyes in assuming the eldest is a latterday saint when I reckon he'd push it with second son again if thought he'd get away with it. Id keep an eye out I would, entitled bully up behind his grannies petticoats right there

@Comeonbabyblue wow!! That is amazing that you are still alive. Oh my goodness, still blaming you when you were in that situation. Awful human!! I'm glad you survived. My son's wound on his arm is the worst one and he had it looked at again today, they said it has granulated and on the verge of turning septic so back to the doctors tomorrow xx

Would she still be blame him then 🤔

playong devils advocate a bit would you still blame the thirteen year old in that situation? I would hope not because it would be a very damaging thing to do. However fortunately your 11 year old didn't hit the artery or die so it's not as serious as that. In the situation as it stands I think the 13 year old is for sure more to blame but also I don't think it makes him evil/a bully. I wouldn't personally want to dwell on it with him for a long time after the event. You said he was quiet immediately after and you think he apologised. He should have apologised then and if you were going to punish him it should also be then. But hopefully you aren't still holding it over his head now. It was a stupid thing to do but it's over now.

The 11 year old isn't to blame..I think panicking was a natural reaction. But while I don't think he should blame himself, him reflecting and saying he should have stayed calm/done this differently isn't in itself a bad thing. It shows capacity to think about and learn from a situation.

I agree it sounds like your mother has favourites.though. But for this particular incident given it happened a while ago, I think as far as the children go you need to put it in the past.

I wonder which child you favour? You seem very negative about your eldest lad. Sad situation.