AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

[vulpix123]

I just wanted to get people's thoughts on this please.

My 13 year old and my 11 year old went to my parent's house and whilst there my 11 year old got Injured..
My 13 year old locked my 11 year old in to the kitchen by shutting the door and staying on the other side so he couldn't open it. In a panicked state my 11 year old pushed forcefully and eventually his hand and arm went through a glass pane. He went to A&E and is still recovering, but will be scarred for life with the injuries.

My mum is saying that my 11 year old is to blame as he should have not panicked and gone out of the back door round to the front door to get back inside. He has autism and although higher functioning this could have also impacted his thinking at the time.
He is now taking the blame for it and saying he should have thought properly and not panicked..

I dont think he is at fault though at all. My 9 and 7 year old have even voiced that if my eldest was not blocking the door in the first place then it wouldn't have happened.

My mum's favourite grandchild is my eldest son and even though I heard her say at one point that they were both responsible, she is shifting it more on to my 11 year old.

@chocoluv no she had 2 children just the 2 eldest

Sorry but I don’t think any of the children are fully to blame here including the 13 year old who is literally a child themselves. Yes of course the 13 year old has some responsibility and should be spoken to and apologise but they shoudnt be “blamed “. Siblings taunt and row with each other at that age . I don’t think it’s fair people calling a 13 year old a “dickhead “ and I think placing all the blame on the 13 year old could be quite damaging, I doubt they wanted their sibling to end up in hospital . If you have left all the kids with your parents all I can say is fair play to them for taking on that responsibility. If you have a problem with it you know where to go, don’t take childcare from them again

@vulpix123 basically saying that your 13-year-old is forever bullying your 11-year-old and you just see it as a minor thing it's not it's really a big deal

@Snufkin88 they only had 2 children, my 2 eldest. My mum practically never lets any of my children go there , especially without me at least, only my eldest goes but she had agreed that day and now it Is another excuse to not let my 11 year old go again.

She never babysit for me but does for my sister who has 4 haha

To blame this incident on your 11 year old is cruel and when people panic, they don't think rationally, this is a natural reaction. After all, your 11 year old is suffering enough, the grand parents are not seeing the maliciousness of the 13 year old, whose actions lead to what could have resulted in serious blood loss and a worse injury.

Surely the only blame in this situation is on your mum for not actually babysitting? If was looking after the kids then she should be looking after the kids.

@OrangeFlower14 I certainly do not see it as a minor thing. my 11 year old wants to be with his eldest brother but it is not always reciprocated , I seperate them at home and have to break them up if they do get in to a fight but that day my 11 year old wanted to go with him to my parents and then that happened within the first 10 mins. Never had any serious injury like that at home from them 2

‘Old trouts’ and ‘battle axe’ wow. 🙄 I have reported your post for your disgusting ageism and sexism.

Op - boys, brothers, that age do piss about, fight and are silly. As a kid I saw my best friend and her sister destroy an entire kitchen as they drew blood and ripped hair out and they were as thick as thieves half an hour later.

I feel sorry for your 13 year old being made a pariah for something that escalated unexpectedly far beyond a bit of horse play. You can certainly give him a bollocking but don’t make a 13 year old child feel lifelong guilt when actually they were not being supervised properly by adults.

Whole other thread re the endless rows about her favouritism, her physically attacking you, wtf and you being in the FOG, not to mention how spoilt your ds13 sounds and that he ‘physically hurts’ the younger one. Hurting a sibling is not normal.

You seriously need to stop your mum doing all of this-did you break up with the df of ds13 partially because he was so unhappy with your mum’s blatant favouritism and how annoyed it made him? Your mum sounds like she makes your life worse, not better. She’s your only support? Jeez.

Hell of a lot to unpack in this thread!

13 y old instigated all this.

Largely this but we don’t know why the 13 year old did this. His brother may have been antagonizing him and this may have been his child’s way ( he is still a child) of creating space between him and his brother and stopping a physical altercation, in a house where he did not have his own room to retreat to. I certainly would not rush to condemn him without hearing his perspective first.

Neither child could have anticipated the injury.

The grandparents should have intervened as things started to kick off.

Just to add, having a sibling with disability can be hard in siblings. The book ‘Siblings without Rivalry’ really opened my eyes to this.

Not normal behaviour to draw blood and rip hair.

@vulpix123 but you said he's always hassling his little brother
What are you doing about that?

The focus on your mum is ridiculous. You have a problem here between your children.

She was in the garden. A 13yr old and an 11yr old should be able to be unsupervised for an hour or so.

I'd be punishing the 13 year old who should have acted better. Your 11 year old will pay the price for his older brother shitty behaviour through his life.

Does it matter who is to “blame” that much in this situation ? I mean just don’t get your mum to babysit again if it’s an issue. They are both children at the end of the day and children that age do have rows and accidents happen .

I seperate them at home and have to break them up if they do get in to a fight but that day my 11 year old wanted to go with him to my parents and then that happened within the first 10 mins.

So you know they fight and have to be separated but you allowed them both to go.

I think that was quite unfair on your mum and it was an accident waiting to happen.

I can see why she’s reluctant to have any children that are going to get injured or cause damage, as it’s a lot to take on.
I’m guessing your sisters kids and the eldest are easier to look after.

Your mum is partly to blame for not stopping your 13 old being an idiot. I dont think its the 11 year olds fault either

Your are STILL defending her!! Parents should have been supervising the kids as everyone else has told you, and 13 yr old should be punished. What he did was NOT funny. But you are excusing your mother any responsibilty by saying luckily a neighbour is a nurse!! Unbelievable! Where were your patents anyway when this was all going on? 11yr old was terrified and no adult wad there. NOW do you get it?

Was there a reason why the 13 years locked the 11 year old in the kitchen? Not condoning but maybe some understanding of what had gone on before.
Coming from a family were my younger sibling had high function Autism, sometimes (and I am not proud of this) I would do stupid stuff cos he would be annoying/piss me off and it was always yeah but his autism and when you are a teenager it feels like they can do no wrong and it gets you back up! And my sibling used to purposely do things knowing it would wind me up, I’d flip and then I’d get in trouble cos you know he’s has autism

To say someone shouldn't have panicked is stupid,being put in a position which makes you panic is squarely the fault of the person creating that position.
Your mother piling in on the side of your 13yo is clearly simply favouritism,there is no way this situation can be seen as the fault of your 11yo.
You need to read the Riot Act to your 13yo the kind of injuries he caused are serious and could even have been fatal- you need to make sure nothing like this ever happens again.

This is your older child’s fault

It is completely within the realms of ‘normal’ for siblings to fight and fall out.

Yes, you’d hope drawing blood was an extreme rarity but it’s naive to think the 13 year old in this narrative is the evil psychopathic bully who orchestrated injuring his angelic and perfect autistic brother. The truth, as they say, is most likely found somewhere in between. They were most likely bored, winding each other up and glass got in the way.

Nobody’s fault but the adults who didn’t anticipate, risk assess or prepare for normal sibling discontent.

In my house the natural consequences for the 13 year old would be using pocket money to help pay for the glass, and doing the 11 year olds chores until he’d healed enough to be able to do them again.

11 year old would absolutely be reassured that it’s not his fault. Whatever grandma says.

He is not to blame, but of course if he had managed keep a clear head, the outcome would have been much better for him. This is a really useful realization for him to make, so I wouldn't be too quick to discourage him from arriving at this conclusion. Just because he could have chosen a better course of action, that doesn't mean his older brother isn't also at fault.