AIBU to think my 11-year-old is not to blame here?

[vulpix123]

I just wanted to get people's thoughts on this please.

My 13 year old and my 11 year old went to my parent's house and whilst there my 11 year old got Injured..
My 13 year old locked my 11 year old in to the kitchen by shutting the door and staying on the other side so he couldn't open it. In a panicked state my 11 year old pushed forcefully and eventually his hand and arm went through a glass pane. He went to A&E and is still recovering, but will be scarred for life with the injuries.

My mum is saying that my 11 year old is to blame as he should have not panicked and gone out of the back door round to the front door to get back inside. He has autism and although higher functioning this could have also impacted his thinking at the time.
He is now taking the blame for it and saying he should have thought properly and not panicked..

I dont think he is at fault though at all. My 9 and 7 year old have even voiced that if my eldest was not blocking the door in the first place then it wouldn't have happened.

My mum's favourite grandchild is my eldest son and even though I heard her say at one point that they were both responsible, she is shifting it more on to my 11 year old.

Wow! It is shocking that you think a 13 year old can't and shouldn't take responsibility for their actions.

100%

Since your mum isn't a babysitter I don't know why you let your children around her. She seems a bit evil and narcissistic

Disgusting ageism and sexism?
I also swore! 😆
🍿 ❄️ 😎
Have a great day 😉

There is no blame for any of the children, fgs.
It was an accident that children could not have foreseen.

The mother is to blame as the children were in her home and in her care.
I'd be raging at her utter lack of supervision and control

“He has autism”

”My mum also says my 11 year old doesn't read the room and have good social cues when he is not wanted etc”

Does your mum have any understanding of what having autism can mean? If a child has difficulty with something you help them if you can, don’t you, you don’t just complain about whatever it is.

😆 I mean.. all he did was close a door and stop his brother from opening it. Sounds like perfectly normal sibling behaviour. Mean and very silly but he couldn’t have possibly anticipated that his brother would overreact and injure himself. It’s an unfortunate incident that I’m sure they both regret. It’s important not to blame either one, but take the opportunity to explain to both of them why such behaviour is unacceptable.

Your mother is at fault. I would not be allowing her to babysit at all considering she doesn't keep your children safe and has a clear favourite you have argued over.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

@vulpix123 your 13 year old needs grounding for a substantial amount of time. If getting away with doing odd jobs he's being paid for its not really reinforcing actions and consequences. It's not unusual for grandparents to favour the eldest grandchild. And if your mum is flagging the 7 year is old is rude could she be right?

A 13 year old closing a door on their sibling is hardly evil behaviour is it, it’s within the realms of usually sibling horseplay. No one could foresee the 11year old would put their hand through a pain of glass . Honestly the amount of focus this thread has on “blame “ and finding someone to blame is absolutely ridiculous.

Clearly not so, in this case.

You have said that your mum is the only support that you have but her support actually makes your life worse. She is an extremely bad influence on your eldest child as she allows and even encourages him to despise his siblings and she appears to positively dislike your younger children and demonstrates that dislike every time she sees them.

Wouldn't your life be easier and calmer if you stopped seeing your mum and stopped letting your 13 year old go to her house?

Six children, five of which with a man that was damaging to you all in your own words. I can only imagine the example that this step-father has set for your eldest boy who is now a teenager and getting to grips with all sorts of things.
Locking a sibling in a room is pretty much standard horseplay and your son wasn’t to know his sibling would panic.
Stop blaming your mum and your son, and just concentrate on raising your six children.

I’ve taught mine since they can walk “WE DONT PLAY WITH DOORS!” (especially bloody glass ones), mine are younger than yours and no one’s perfect, but at 13 I’d expect more, your eldest sounds like he was being a dick

You said earlier that your eldest two don’t listen to you, but do listen to your parents, which is why you sent them there. I understand why you did that, but in my opinion this was a bad decision. If they don’t listen to you now, you potentially have a big problem on your hands, and you have got to step up and address this right now - it is going to get extremely hard. But if you don’t, you are going to have at least one out of control teenage boy that you can do nothing about.

I don’t know how you have ended up in this position, but it won’t have come out of nowhere. Start off by not letting your mum undermine you anymore. Of course the kids won’t listen to you if they go running to Granny and she contradicts everything you say! She isn’t going to change, so you need to cut her out of yours, and their, lives. It isn’t a healthy relationship anyway! There then needs to be consequences for any and all bad behaviour, strict ground rules that apply to everyone in the house, and don’t accept them just not listening to you!

if you don’t step up now, your 13 year old will make ALL your lives miserable.

Id say it's your older child fault ☹️ what a arsehole to do that to his little brother

A 13 yo knows exactly what their doing! His not a baby

The 11 year old should also take responsibility for his actions as well

How would you actually stop a 13 year old going to his grandparents house? I was younger than that when I was taking myself off to see grandparents on public transport

Yes op your autistic ds must take responsibility for his actions.

The ignorance on here..

@Tillow4ever I didn't want to go to deeply in to my personal life, but what i will say is that when I was with my ex, I did all the caring for the children but he dealt with disapline , I was undermined by him a lot and he would tell the children not to listen to me and listen to him so the children would behave better when he was around due to fear of being shouted at , when I got rid of him out of the house for good - the majority of the children stopped listening to me, starting with the eldest down to my 7 year old , copying each other and refusing to go to school etc. My mum would say to them that you might love your mum, but you dont respect her and they would say they do , but actions spoke differently. Things are improving with that side of things but it can still a battle

Why is your mum not taking responsibility for letting this situation go on for so long this happened?!

I mean it's not exactly going to be quiet nor unobvious that the behaviour was out of control?

There's two people here who needs to take a significant amount of responsibility.

I would not be allowing my 11 to go to his grandmothers until this was acknowledged.

@hourspassed my parents don't actually own the property but they have lived their for 19 years - but that door has been there since they moved in. My dad lives and works on the property and they live in the cottage. The door is mainly wood but has 2 thin glass panes in the middle. I think my son panicked more as it is a cottage that doesn't get much natural light through to the kitchen and it isn't a huge kitchen so he might have felt a bit trapped / claustrophobic, who knows!