How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

I would give the 14 yr old a break and not expect him to act like the mature adult that lots of posters on here seem to think that he should be. As others have posted he seems to be the only one in this situation that isn't allowed to act out which is completely unfair giveen the hand that he has been dealt

The OP needs to give him constant reassurance that he is loved and that his feelings are understood.

Remember that the 14 yr old is still a child.

I wish I could offer him more time but his brother needs a huge amount of 121 care to keep him self. Every moment I have I offer to spend time with my oldest but he chooses to go out with friends.

I tell him I love
Him and how proud of him every day. I know he knows I love him.

Because he sees it s cast off time. He’s not important enough to spend time with as a priority, only when his brother allows it

Some really unkind responses here. OP clearly knows she should have spent more time with her eldest; it was also bloody hard to do in these circumstances. I have been the child who never got enough attention from my frazzled single parent; I have also been the frazzled single parent trying to meet everyone's need when one child is dysregulated and can't safely be left. Particularly hard when on holiday with other people around and you're desperately trying to stop your dysregulated child from ruining everybody's day.

I feel intensely sorry for OP and her children. She needs some support, not a slagging off.

What is your solution? Magical portal? The OP can't magic up extraordinary time.

Days out and more have been offered and declined. There were other relatives on holiday and OP gave dedicated time every day until rejected.

I'm an eldest and managed to see my parents as people doing their best ...the youngest is often babied its a cliche for a reason. In this case OP was preventing self harm. Cruel resentment / silent treatment just isn't ok for anyone. No excuses no justification

Is dad not able to keep the younger one safe?

@Pumpkinlatte1235 if you had plans for 1:1 full day out with ds14, care in place for ds11, and dd11 said “no!! I want you to stay here!, if you don’t I’ll….” Would you cancel ds14?

No one is saying it isnt a hard situation for you.

But he didn't deserve being screamed at and treated like that. It isnt fair, and 14 years old is such a tough age as it is.

He chooses to hang out with his friends cos there is no fear of his brother being there , or someone screaming at him, or attention being taken away from his because of his brothers needs.

He is just himself with his friends.

But I did try to offer him 121 time. It’s not a defence just a context.

But do you ever offer him 121 when he needs it? If he's had a bad day at school or fallen out with his friends do you sit with him at the time, or does he have to wait for you to have finished with his little bro?

However much you may feel that you don't have a choice, the truth is that the 14yo gets the scraps, his brother's leftovers. I don't condone his behaviour but I understand it.

And I don't blame him for not wanting to engage with young carers groups. How else would that feel to him other than defining him by his relationship to his brother?

But words and actions seem to be different things op. You really need to work out a schedule with your ex. He needs to have him more. If anything, your ds needs to be dependent on someone else too. He is 14 and in just a few short years he will be off and an adult and it will be too late to repair.
He needs to know that he doesn’t come second.

I think being 14 and needing your mum while knowing you always come second is reason to feel resentful. Teenagers aren’t adults and don’t come with the perspective adulthood brings.

Her son may well know she has no magic wand, but it still feels shit.

What you did was awful? I disagree. At 14 your elder son should know better. He doesn't get to treat people like shit and be mollycoddled in return. What you said, and the way you said it, was what he needed to hear. A taste of his own medicine. The reason he hasn't spoken to you yet is because he's ashamed of himself and doesn't have the maturity or the words to admit it because he's only 14. Please don't back down or tell him you were in the wrong. That is not what he needs to hear right now. Under no circumstances should any teen speak to his mother - or anyone! - the way he was speaking to you. Let him spend some time sitting quietly with his shame, and figure some things out.

Edited to add: He may have some strong feelings about being neglected and always coming second, but those in no way justify the insulting, disrespectful way he was treating you. We're not allowed to make the people we love feel bad just because we feel bad. It would be different if you weren't trying your best, but you clearly are. He must be able to see that.

The damage here isn’t shouting at him. It’s the cumulative neglect.

Yep, he’ll figure out everyone else gets to scream and shout and they should be mollycoddled- according to the “kind”
adults of mn, he’s a little shit/brat etc etc for having emotions.

The solution is to acknowledge the elder DS feelings of being second are completely rational - he is genuinely in second place for consideration because his brother has high needs. Empathising with him about how hard that must be and explaining that the OP wishes it could be different would likely go a long way. “I love you both equally” isn’t going to sound realistic when a teen can clearly see that he’s not number 1 priority, unless you’re completely honest about the fact that his isn’t (and can’t be the majority of the time).

Interesting that you say cruel resentment from a 14yo can have no justification, yet the OP gets a free pass for yelling, grabbing stuff off eldest DS, in public and without even hearing his side of the story.

Realistically there probably isn't much more you can do, especially having explained that "I do (fit him in when the other child permits it) but as a single mum it’s always been this way"

Very obviously he shouldn't be swearing at you and I don't blame you at all for your reaction in the moment, but it sounds as if he's had enough and only adulthood and more understanding may help towards a better relationship

You may need to prepare yourself for him getting away as soon as he can, but you'll always be his mum and love him and I'm sure he'll come to understand that in time

DS was rude. It’s not easy playing second fiddle to a sibling who has extra needs, I understand that you can’t help the situation but I am sure DS has had enough of it too and feels frustrated that he has to act like an adult in the family.
He will get over the outburst and won’t be cheeky freely in public again.

Could you look into some therapy for your oldest? A place where he can fully unload his thoughts that's about him - not career's groups (as let's be honest that's just another thing in relation to his brother it's not actually about him)

But equally OP - you do also need to give him the same grace you give your youngest, which means that yes hes allowed to be disregulated. There also needs to be times where he can feel like the priority, not just the afterthought when everyone else has had there needs met.

And perhaps the OP can reflect on screaming at him in a shop, taking snacks out of his hands because his brother lied about being hit. He doesn’t get the time he needs with his mum, and while there are reasons for that, he’s clearly not a priority. He does get her ire if she thinks he’s stepped out of line, without checking to see what happened or indeed what her younger child might have done. If someone treated me like that I’d be telling them to fuck off too.

Meanwhile the eldest gets more and more bitter because he feels, unloved at coming in second place all the time.

And again the OP gave spare time that was after looking after the youngest, never putting the eldest first. Think about how that feels to a teenager and this has been going on for years.

What has happened when he needed his mum as he had a bad day?
Got bullied?
Got told off by the teacher?
Fell out with friends?
Was he able to go straight to his mother and get some help or compassion or was she with his youngest brother.

Yes the OP has a reason for this but it has just meant that the eldest has learnt not to be a burden on his mother.

He also needs compassion not shooting down.

For those saying the OP did nothing wrong… she shouted at her 14 year old son to F off in the middle of a busy airport. What she did in that moment was worse than her son who silently mouthed it and was possibly being accused of something he hadn’t done. What ridiculous comments. If you want a relationship with your DS going forward don’t listen to the posters saying you were right to do what you did. Sorry if it’s harsh but there’s not an excuse for it. Next time take a breath and walk away.

Oh, and if this were an 14yo girl whose dad had screamed at her, grabbed stuff off her in public the comments would be overrun with how it’s never okay to get verbally abusive or physical with a teenager. Because it isn’t.

I really think you need to be more confident that you're doing your absolute best OP, your oldest is just at a tricky age when nothing is good enough and the whole world is against him.

His behaviour has been really terrible tbh and I think he really needed telling. Now he's sulking and i don't think you should grovel to him too much - I think he will enjoy your weakness. He needs to see you be a bit stronger IMO and point out a few home truths about his behaviour and how difficult it is to be a single mum. You offered him plenty of opportunities to spend time together and he wasn't interested - I would calmly point that out too.

Every time he says fuck off tell him 'please do not speak to me like that' - don't just allow him to be like this. He is walking all over you and acting the victim. Don't go in guns blazing, but don't just allow this awful behaviour either. He;ll come running back soon enough when he wants something I'm sure.

Have you considered though that he may be less obviously ND too?

I so disagree..very few years to becoming an adult. These behaviours aren't ok. Even as a child I wouldn't have dreamed of behaving so unkindly.

I stayed home did all he housework at this age and younger...I could see my Mum was buckling, I wanted to help her. I don't recall expecting dedicated 1:1 time. I could see my Mum was slaving away, was doing her best.

Two weeks of seeing your Mum suffer and grovel ...still hard hearted saying cruel things ..I wouldn't teach a fawning response to that cruelty