How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

I can sympathise with both sides here. You had a lot compounding on you and snapped and your son feels hurt and left out and acted out. This is bigger than this one altercation and sounds like something you need to work on as a family. I'm not an expert and I'm certainly not trying to judge, I just wondered is there any way you could work with family or friends to become trusted and comfortable people in your younger sons life so you can have some time to dedicate solely to the older one? Perhaps a regular mother/son outing or activity together to give you time to talk and connect?

OP - give him a few days then sit down and talk to him and apologise again. But let him come round a bit first..
Write him a letter?
It's bloody hard being a parent and holidays can go either way. Good luck.xx

So your suggestion is that she does another holiday where the youngest will still be distressed again so OP will still have to spend more time with him? You think that's going to help the situation with her eldest? Or are you just looking for reasons to be cruel?
OP you have apologised and tbh after his behaviour I might have lost my temper too. Maybe now he'll realise that he can't just be vile and expect to get away with it.
Of course he still needs you. Is there any way to spend more 1:1 time with him? In the evenings? Or a day out if you have friends or family that can look after your youngest?

Could you arrange so that the time their dad has them is staggered? So he has e.g. one Friday and Saturday night and the other Saturday and Sunday night. They go over at 5pm or whatever so every week you get 1-2-1 time with your older one that isn't just the leftovers after your younger son has had their needs met?

I assume you've also considered this, but would it be possible to come up with an arrangement where your younger son can't do himself in when he's deregulated? So does he need a safe space where he can't harm himself? Ultimately it sounds as though having one person who can calm him down is going to be pretty problematic long term, so it might be something to give more consideration to, as this is a recently worsening picture.

Honestly, it depends. I try and be there for him when he needs me and I’d say I manage that 70- 80% of the time. But always? No.

So for some…. 14 yo snapping and mouthing swear words is awful and unforgivable

adult screaming and grabbing , they’re the victim and should have sympathy?

Ok, so a typical teen in that respect.

I understand that he might be upset that you needed to spend a lot of time with your youngest, but he’s old enough to accept that and make the most of things.

I would have hit the roof if one of mine mouthed that at me.

Sadly not, he hits and scratches himself and smacks his head on any surface so there is not point to move him to a safe place. He’s too big now sadly. So I have
to stay with him. Their dad doesn’t want them separately and the court has given him that.

OP this sounds really tough. I feel for you.

I really do think some expressed empathy for the situation towards DS14 would go a long way. At the moment you seem to be quite defensive, 'Im trying really hard' etc. He doesn't need to hear that - it will sound like you're telling him he's wrong to feel the way he does.

He needs to hear that you 100% love him and accept all his feelings - you accept him feeling like its unfair, that he comes second etc etc. You can tell him you know its crap for him and you wish it was different - that will go a long way. At the moment he will likely asssume you think its all A-ok. Let him be real with you and don't reject him. That will mean so much to him. You can't change the situation but you can support him and not expect him to love it.

I can see why he might not want to do young carer stuff - as others have said that's still all about his, brother - he needs to feel that he comes first sometimes.

Exactly this .X

I wish he’d consider the young carer support as the entire focus is on seeing them as their own person, not a sibling. But Jesus it’s for nerds and won’t go. He has a wide friendship group and just wants to be with them all the time (not a criticism just a fact)

It’s hard being a solo mum, you’re human.
you have a high needs child & NT teenager.
youre carrying the mental load and some and also harbouring incredible mum guilt.
give yourself a break! What would you say to your closest friend if this was their story?
teenagers are AH! I remember being a top of the class for that. BUT regardless of that I darent swear or be disrespectful to my parents (& they really did deserve it)
he after any attention even bad, like a much bigger toddler. But he doesn’t get to speak to you or anybody else like that.

perhaps I’m in the minority, he needed a short sharp shock. Airport not ideal no, but your fuse rarely goes in optimal surroundings.
You’re offering the time, maybe offer something he wants to do- cinema, get gaming with him, get him to teach you something he loves, so you can share it with him, get on his level (even if it’s not your bag)
most of all, he’s embarrassed likely at the airport (where nobody knows him) but also at his own behaviour.hes hurting
and he’s blaming you for it all.
doesn’t mean thats right though. And really he knows that Hormones, age, growing but still really a kid

id stop apologising, and give him a bit of room, try and coax him in to letting you into his world for 121 time, he’ll come round
go have a wine and try to forgive yourself x

But that must still seem like second best to him. You are available only when his brother doesn't need you.

I’ll try a letter, I’m not sure he even knows what a letter is 😂I’ve sent lots of messages, he’s ignored them and it’s been over 2 weeks 😥

Have you offered him counselling? Or anything like that to give him a neutral space to express himself?

But there is nothing I can do about that with a disabled son and no other adult in the home 😥

I did read the thread. Counselling is very different from carer groups.

I’ve offered counselling, sibling carer groups, he has a great PSL at
school, he says no to all these support
avenues.

Does your court agreement predate the onset of the Tourettes?

It sends really odd that a court would insist that each parent has both kids at the same time when one child has such high needs. Doesn't seem like that would be in their best interests.

Can you go back and say the situation has changed and it isn't working and needs reviewing in the light of the new health problems? If you've got a court order I assume you don't have the kind of relationship with the dad where he would consider a change? Is he normally a dick about things?

I havent seen anyone post it's unforgivable the only person expressing that is OPs eldest

The views of both kids are taken into account given their age and both say they want to go together.

He just wants time. I know you cannot split yourself between two but treating children as equals as much as possible is the best thing any parent can do.
Favouritism breeds resentment. I know it is need based with DS2 but DS1 will naturally resent the situation without a balance.

He’s not a dick, but he’s very set in his ways. he’s happy with the arrangement and would take a fight to get him to move
from it.

Your DH needs to have your younger DS one day and it shouldn’t matter if your older obe doesn’t go there thst week. You really need to spend some time with him 1 to 1 as a priority, not because DS2 is doing something else. You can’t continue like this as it will affect DS1 long term.
I appreciate how hard your situation is. wyoo mention the ticks starting after a viral infection. I’ve seen some treat with strong anti inflammatory with success. Just to say that there possibly is light at the end of the tunnel with DS2.