How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

Youngest only became extremely dysregulated/severe tics in last year, prior to that yes he was ND but nothing “extreme” or necessitating 121 co-regulation.

Oh dear...has he apologised to you for mouthing swear words etc..

I'm an eldest looked after my sister at times when we were children....I would not have been this awful to my Mum when I could see she was spending her holiday in a room caring for my sibling.

Be careful not to let guilt for losng your temper show your DS that his behaviours are ok...they are not

Youve tried to apologise he is continuing unpleasant behaviour...please don't validate that as a strategy for your attention

Stop apologising. Your DS’s behaviour was appalling and although you lost it. admittedly, he will have learned what happens when you behave badly.

I have shouted at both of mine. more than was perhaps warranted in that moment, but because the bad behaviour was prolonged.

Did he have any one with him or was he on his own much of the time? Not that that excuses his behaviour.

i have respite once a week but oldest chooses to be out with friends when it happens. He is mainly out with friends or here in bedroom with them. Option is always there for him to eg go out for a meal/ shopping 121 with me but he never wants to. Which I’ve just put down to him being a teenager.

There was always someone around who loves him wanting to spend time with him but he just wanted to be on his phone this holiday.

14yr old is clearly crying out for some attention. However, mouthing fuck off at you all week is not acceptable. If he wants to ignore your apology that’s up to him. In your shoes I think I’d write a letter or send him a text and just explain you are sorry and it was a very difficult week and you reached breaking point with his mouthing off. I’d say I love you but I will not be spoken to like that by my kids. If you want to talk about things calmly I am here etc.

I don’t think he “deep down knows” you love him equally. I think you need to have a very honest conversation with him and listen to how he feels without getting defensive or justifying things. If he feels like he’s been second best then acknowledge your part in this and say sorry, and ask what he needs from you to help him feel better. It’s not just physically spending time with him, it’s making the headspace for him and being emotionally present which is hard to do when you have another child with SEN who could kick off at any moment. In your head you’re trying to keep the peace for everyone but he probably doesn’t see it like that.

I’m not condoning his behaviour at all but if you want to properly fix your relationship before it’s too late then you need to resolve the underlying cause.

I have done this (by text) which he ignored, then replied to say I’ll never forgive you for the airport, I know you prefer my brother and I won’t talk to you anymore but will be civil in passing. And that’s how it has been now for 2 weeks. He has asked me to stop apologising as “it is pointless”. I feel heartbroken.

Oh OP I’m so sorry, this sounds awful. I have similar with my 2, although they are much younger. They both have additional needs but at the moment youngest needs are higher therefor he’s taking up much more of my time & I feel absolutely awful for it. I wonder how many of those who have made unsupportive comments here actually have experience of this. Sounds like you’re doing the best you can! Sending hugs and wanted to let you know you aren’t alone

I really feel for you OP. He touched your last nerve and imo deserved that bollocking. How dare he swear at you!

You snapped, quite understandably, and I may well have done the same.

You have apologised. That is that. Done and move on. No point dwelling. If he is still resentful then he will eventually get over it. Don't let him punish you by not accepting the apology and guilting you into grovelling. Go back to normal and stick to your boundaries of 'no swearing at mum'.

It's bloody hard being a single parent of kids with disabilities. One day he will appreciate how hard you work for your family day to day. But for now he just needs to respect you.

(I voted yabu because you've done enough. No to grovelling)

You think it's reasonable to be mean to a stressed and frazzled parent who's already feeling like shit?

You need to be very careful that you don't write off your eldests feelings about what is going on, he is clearly feeling left out and has probably felt that way for some time.

I am left wondering if you often come down on teh side of your youngest and if he is playing you.

You obviously need to have a heart to heart with him. Being a typical teenage boy, he won’t enjoy it and will cringe but it’s necessary I think. You need to convey how much you love him, accept how difficult this must be for him but also set the boundaries and ensure he knows it’s absolutely unacceptable to swear at you, ever. I’d also say how much you miss him and want to spend time with him so during his brother’s respite time, can you please make time for each other.

It’s really hard and you are doing your best. You have lost your eldest trust, you can build it back up, but it’s not instant. Maybe think of it being one rung at a time on a ladder. You are right not to accept being sworn at. Keep consistent boundaries.

I just don’t know how to resolve the underlying cause 😥as it’s his Db who has high needs and I’m a single mum. He’s been offered sibling carer groups he refused to go to, he chooses to go out with friends when I have
respite come in, each night I go in to offer a chat and he says no. I don’t know what else to do.

You’re only human, we all lose it occasionally and it sounds like the 14 yo was just in that annoying teen state. You’ve apologised so I’d leave it and move on, when you are all back in your routine you can talk to him one to one and explain that the pressure was building and that it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He’ll probably realise that you’re the one that looked like an arse shouting like a banshee in a public place not him. Sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate, well done for staying calm for 99.9% of the holiday, I’m not sure I could have.

I feel like I’ve failed and I am so sad because I’ve tried my hardest but I can’t manage to get it right at all.

No, absolutely do not tell them that their behaviour led to the OP losing her temper and yelling at him. He has had years of playing second fiddle to his brother and no doubt has had enough. He’s 14 and feeling neglected. The OP is the adult and is the one doing the neglecting.

I absolutely looked bloody deranged.

And there’s nothing you can really do to resolve the underlying cause, it is what it is. Life isn’t fair, unfortunately.

I think you need to stop apologising OP. Because there's a line between saying sorry and begging for forgiveness and you're crossing that now and he won't respect you for it.
Best thing now is to let things gradually return to normal. Keep speaking to him as you would normally, ignore his ignoring of you and he'll come round.
There's learning here for both of you. For him, he can't keep speaking to you like rubbish and not expect you to bite back. For you, you need to find a way to give him more attention.

Does he hear you say,

I know it’s unfair and I wish it was different. You deserve good things in life.
I am proud of you.

Sometimes we assume they know, but we should spell it out.

I don’t really understand all your terminology but do you mean that your youngest is having fit/tantrum style episodes? Probably loud and sends adrenaline through everyone in earshot. I know he can’t help it but is there anything you can do to change the impact all round, moving bedrooms around etc?

FattyMcFattyArse

It's bloody hard being a single parent of kids with disabilities. One day he will appreciate how hard you work for your family day to day. But for now he just needs to respect you.

This is a massive assumption and is by no means correct.

Those that that essentially say that the eldest should just get over it or he will come around are ignoring that OP needs to start spending sometime centering her eldest to prove that she cares and that he isn't going to come in second to his brother all the time. Especially when the youngest is learning that he can manipulate his mother.

Hopefully he will learn OP that life is complicated. How he can blame you for shouting about things he was doing to you defeats any logic to me.

Definitely stop apologising - you literally having dated receipts for that. This thread..if things are twisted in the future.

Just adopt a kind attitude but don't give in to the silent treatment...he will carry that into adult life. No extras for someone who opts out of being family.

No wonder you are heartbroken, DS is being very cruel

Doesn't sound much of a holiday for you stuck in your hotel room
Could no-one else in the party give you a break?