How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

Also many kids have to wait until their parents are free before they can spend any time with them. Parents can’t be available 24/7 just in case their kid fancies hanging out. Lots of parents have to work full time or care for elderly relatives etc. The OP is getting a very hard time for not being available all the time.

I presume you aren’t working, then, OP? That DS2 can’t go to school, if he’s regressed so much and needs you there all the time? I’m only experienced in a layman’s way (family, friends, and myself) with autism and ADHD, although nothing as severe as DS2, but it does seem a little strange that he can flip into a full on, self-harming meltdown at any second, but you’re letting him go through an airport shop without being at his side.

That aside, while you say his behaviour has suddenly exponentially worsened over the last year, you also say that his father literally left years ago because he couldn’t handle parenting DS2 – and if an adult man found it too difficult to deal with (irresponsible and pathetic of him as it is to do that), then what on earth has it been like for DS1 who is a child who has spent practically his entire life being forced to deal with behaviour his father couldn’t cope with, without having a single choice in the matter?

It’s not your fault and DS2’s disabilities can’t be helped – but clearly it must have been a serious, lifelong strain on DS1, and it’s only getting worse.

I don’t know what the solution is, aside from advice some wise posters like drruthgalloway have given on here, but I think it’s really important that you don’t minimise, dismiss, or invalidate the serious, ongoing impact that his brother’s condition must have on DS1.

The fix may not be instant, healing can take time even when not a raging ball of hormones, but with consistent, non- pressurised, small pockets of time just with the teen then the message will be clear.
If they like gaming an example would be spending five minutes listening to them talk about it, no matter how boring that may be, with no distractions. Don't invite them into your world, join them in theirs.
An invite to do something with you may be too big, too many expectations.
A 'who's that character? or literally just sitting next to them while watching them play (still using the gaming scenario) takes the pressure off, and helps rebuild the connection.
You don't need to 'resolve' you just need to 'be'. You are the prize, time with you, the connection, the feeling seen. You've got this x

I work from home when DS2 is in school (he manages it fine with SEND support and 121 support there though some days are easier than others). His dad sadly didn’t like the extra care and adjustments that came with being the parent of a child who was ND and his quirks, not a fully formed rugby player alpha male like DS1 and we split over this eventually. I’m sure he’d say otherwise.

Don’t beat yourself up. You were under pressure and stressed. His behaviour wasn’t ok even if it’s also understandable that he felt pushed aside due to his brothers behaviour.

I think most teens respond really well when you communicate with them rather than treat them like kids. Have an honest discussion with him. Apologise for losing your temper and embarrassing him and really mean it. Explain what you were feeling without blame. Hopefully he’s empathetic and will be able to understand and accept your apology. Tell him that you love spending time with him and will be better at doing that. Would he enjoy cooking with you, doing a craft project, gaming? Try to spend quality time with him each week where you can chat, be silly, just be in each other’s company.

Fortunately, in the UK we have a social care system which although is failing in many many ways actually have duty of care in this area. I would suggest that the OP contacts her DS2 social worker and discusses this very issue. Not saying it will be straightforward or necessarily a quick fix, but it is one of the areas they can support with and if the OP is honest that they as a family unit are struggling and not coping. Social care will step up if OP fights for it.

Set em up to fail there didn't you

What?

Well as someone who has dealings with social care, I'd say that it is failing in every conceivable way and that the current modus operandi is to let carers and families struggle on until they reach a real crisis point before any intervention is proffered. And even then, it will be the bare minimum and the least suitable solution, which will possibly lead to the person needing care being terribly mistreated and/or abused.

This is such a good point! A lot of posters are telling OP, with all the challenges she has to face just to get through the day, to do things with DS1 that very few parents with full time jobs would have either the time, opportunity or inclination to do with their own teens after a day at work! In fact, from her posts, I'd say that OP is keenly aware of the ways in which DS1 is disadvantaged by having a disabled sibling and is already going above and beyond to compensate for it whenever she can. The fact that she is so distraught at having finally lost her rag with him after what sounds like a very trying holiday speaks volumes about the quality of her parenting skills.

With a background in disability support and outreach I’m sorry to say I have exactly the same experience.

I supported families who had adult children with severe ND and/or MH problems, who were much bigger and stronger than their parents. Many families had safe rooms set up in their homes to keep themselves safe from violent outbursts, including physical abuse and damage to the home. Many parents had suffered assault on multiple occasions. They’re largely left to get on with it, because the behaviour involved is extreme and options are limited. I’ve seen more than my fair share of disabled people who enter the justice system having broken the law because the help they need simply isn’t there.

It’s very frustrating on threads like these when posters assume that because families are struggling, help will be there, but as you rightly say, that only comes when the family is in crisis and it’s often much less than a suitable solution - more the best available in a broken system.

Care to expand on that comment, or do you just post insults and run ?

There just arent carers who want to do that work though. You cant get carers to care for children without complex needs let alone children that are smearing. People dont want it.

You need to remember your 14 year old is still a child and while it sucks your younger one has additional needs your elder one is always pushed out and feeling discluded from everything

It's hard as a teen to see the bigger picture and if all they can see is you favouring, believing and spending all your time with the sib they are going to get upset

Screaming in public without the full story especially when little one appears to be favourite is not going to bode well

No idea how you fix it but I'd start with an honest chat and some special 1:1 times with the bigger one

That is not what you said on the original post

This is the issue here

It's all about the younger one

My eldest has a severe disability, one that puts her in danger on the daily

We still make time for the other kids she is aware she is not the priority at all times
She is held to account for her behaviour

She requires support and help from specialists and has been in specialist hospitals and I think you need to consider this for your youngest IF he
Issues are as complex as you say

Your son needs to see you care about him and he's not an after thought (sorry for many replies I'm just reading all the excuses and responding as and when)

Good point. Different version of events.

Sorry been busy. I just wonder if your ND tourette child could cope with the changes presented with the holiday. Therefore needing more attention than usual. Leaving your other child out.
2 issues created by the holiday which could possibly of been foreseen. No insult here. Just observation from experience

You don’t. If I behaved that way at 14 I would have been beaten in public, Nevermind being shouted at. We live in different times thankfully, but you don’t need to be friends with your kids when they are behaving like jerks.

I would double down and tell him he’s grounded when you get home for his theatrics this week. Tell him he won’t be ungrounded until his behaviour and communication improves. Completely unacceptable for him to be swearing at you.

Your older DS deserves just as much attention as your younger ND DS. The fact this doesn’t appear to be practical (where is DH/other family?) is not his fault. Given the stresses, you are expecting him to step up to be an adult, he isn’t and so your reaction is to punish and humiliate him!? Not cool. He needs support and so do you.

I think that your children will be much more forgiving than you might think. They love you and are old enough to understand that even you get things wrong sometimes.

It served him right, so give yourself a break.

Try reading OP’s updates. The severity of DS2’s disability is clear, OP is detailed about their family situation and that she receives respite care four hours a week. The rest of the time she’s the sole carer. I don’t think OP expects DS1 to be a grown up, but that doesn’t mean she should expect such bad behaviour from him. Know what else isn’t ‘cool’ ? Judgement.

What do you mean ‘excuses’ ? OP is telling it like it is for her. The telling thing about your post is that you say ‘we’ still make time for the other kids. There is no ‘we’ for OP, she’s the sole carer. Her DH does the bare minimum after walking out because he couldn’t cope with DS2’s disability. And why would OP want to put her son in a specialist hospital when there is already a team of specialists working with her to coordinate his care ? Surely if he needed hospitalisation they would have recommended it ?