How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

I don’t think your behaviour was awful at all. He pushed you to your limits. We all have our breaking points!

First, have a hand hold. Sounds like some one ought to offer it.
Did any of your extended family help on holiday?
DS needs to learn to be respectful to you and accept the apology.
His behaviour definitely not acceptable

Don't be so snide.

Yes she is offering her time, but its always after the youngest.
Can you not understand how this makes the eldest feel?

I totally agree. It’s terrible. Why does the 14 year old have to be so understanding and mature while the actual adult just wrings her hands? When you have children you have to be the adult, and that’s sometimes tough but that’s just being a parent.

I have a child with adhd and autism.

her brother absolutely felt neglected and that his parents didn’t care about him.

op, you really can’t assume that your older son knows that you love him. He’s at the age where he notices very strongly how much time you spend with each child and he will absolutely feel left out.

that having been said at 14 he is also old enough to resent the scraps of attention you can offer him. If the connection is gone then he’ll possibly feel that he doesn’t want your scraps he wants to be valued for who he is.

his refusal to accept your apology suggests that he strongly believes that you love his brother more, that this is evident from your behaviour and therefore there is no point working on a relationship with you.

what I’d suggest you do: work to counter that. Keep bidding for connection - offer time together doing what he wants, offer tickets to films or shows he wants to see. Say to him that you do care about him and demonstrate it.

I’m not going to say he’ll get over it because he may not. It’s taken my son several years to really think through and process his teen years, and parts of it were pretty painful for me because I genuinely did let him down as a parent.

Very much this, I wonder if he’s thought that’s the only way hes
getting noticed that’s not the time his brother allows it.
but yes, all the posters telling op she was just and right in shouting and grabbing at him, while the child is called dreadful names.
when 11 yo is upset @Pumpkinlatte1235 do you scream at him and grab things from him?

I agree. The 14 year old is raging at the situation. But MN doesn't like teenage boys so will call him names regardless of his feelngs.

i genuinely don’t know how else to spend time with him - I offer him 121
time daily, YDS has respite time and I’m always available during that but he chooses to go out with friends (which I understand).

Why would you apologise? He acts like a brat all holiday and you apologise. When he says sorry for his awful behaviour then you can talk sensibly.

Your older DS feels sorry for himself and thinks his life is way worse than everyone else’s and blames his mum. This is completely normal for teenagers. Unfortunately, as a sibling of a child with high needs he actually does have a childhood a bit harder than most. Much like you have a parenting experience which is harder than most due to your younger DS’s needs. If you get the chance I’d try just empathising with him. Don’t try the “but I try so hard” as he’s likely to feel guilt tripped. Just tell the truth - yes, it is a bit shit and I wish it were easier for you. Ask what he wants; ask if there’s anything you can do to help make it easier for him.

Yes, you lost your temper at him and I expect most parents of teens can think of examples of that! You’ve apologised a few times so I wouldn’t keep pushing that for now. All you can do is continue to be there if/when elder DS is ready to do so. In future, you should deal with him mouthing swear words at you calmly each time rather than letting it build up and lashing out at him.

This. You've got a lot on your plate and you did your very best.

He has a lot to deal with. Most 14 year olds prefer to be with their friends.

To answer some Questions.

1. their dad is still around, he sees the boys weekly.
2. When YDS is in an Autistic meltdown it is all about keeping him safe from hurting himself. CAMHS have explained my raising my voice will only elongate the meltdown.
3. YDS Tourette’s started around 15 months ago following a viral illness and is severe both vocally and motor tics

And by the same token, the 14 yo is only human so should of not be given all the horrible names and judgement?

Very harsh! I have an autistic son who will only let me do anything for him and I'd be disgusted if someone spoke about him like that

So, what would you do in that situation? Let the youngest self harm?

That’s hard, but from 14yo perspective he sees his brother as constant priority, and when he screams and shouts your response is full attention, calmness and kindness.
him- he gets screaming and grabbing?
@Pumpkinlatte1235 did he actually do what
11yo says? Has he admitted or denied? Was it only him that wasn’t being allowed the snacks, were you and the 11yo still getting yours?

I just don’t know how to resolve the underlying cause 😥as it’s his Db who has high needs and I’m a single mum. He’s been offered sibling carer groups he refused to go to, he chooses to go out with friends when I have
respite come in, each night I go in to offer a chat and he says no. I don’t know what else to do.

I think you’re missing that your older child also has high needs. He may not be harming himself but he’s telling you he needs your consideration - time for him that isn’t contingent on fitting in around his brothers needs.

Did he actually hit his brother or did you wade in on the assumption that he had? That assumption will hurt much more than you loosing the rag with him. Does he often get into trouble for minor things because he should be the “easy” one?

I do get it, both my kids have suffering needs and finding balance is hard work. Instead of fitting your older son in, can you ask him what he’d like to do and make arrangements for your younger child around that? Show your older son that he’s a priority not just when it fits in with his brothers needs?

It's amazing how many parents don't realise the impact of a high needs or disabled child on the other child.

You very quick to jump to your own defence and the disabled childs defence, but not the other child... They can just get on with it.

It's a surprising how common a phenomenon it is

He said he didn’t hit him but he pushed him and laughed at him and feels that’s an important distinction

OP, can you see that what you’re offering your eldest is the leftover time you have once your youngest’s needs are already met? He’s not actually being prioritised over his brother yet his brother is regularly prioritised over him. There’s likely nothing you can do about it, but empathy can really go a very long way with teenagers.

Siblings of children with high needs are increasingly recognised as needing support because they simply do not get equitable treatment. There’s nothing parents can do, and it isn’t a criticism of parents who are almost always trying their best. But it is, objectively, very difficult to grow up in a household where your needs are never anyone’s first concern.

@Pumpkinlatte1235 I don’t blame you, I would have shouted at him ages ago!

May this be a lesson to him that not everyone will put up with his crappy behaviour

I’d wait for him to want your attention next time and then give it to him. Of course as a teen he may not want designated time with you. So you have to be ready for when he does engage. And if that means prioritising him over your other son then you’ll just have to do that sometimes.

I think some people on here expect 14 year olds to be like mini adults. They’re not. Life is confusing and difficult at that age and it’s hard to be empathetic when you’ve got a lot going on yourself.

Yeah i wouldn't feel that bad about it. Teenagers have a way of pushing you to that point.

Then you need to start leaving him much more often with his dad. In fact do a holiday without him to give his brother some respite. The holiday revolved around him, and he was pushed to his limit.
so now that you know that he cannot cope in a new place even when there’s family around what will you do? Never holiday again and your ds accept this is his life.
Im really sorry this is a horrible situation to be in but you are prioritising one over the other.