How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

So what happened in the last year? As pp
how likely is it that he lied as he knew you’d go for the jugular of
his brother?
do the rest of the family follow your lead in prioritising your youngest?

When you have respite can you insist he spend it around you. He can choose to spend it at home (and if he spends it all in his room on the phone that’s up to him) or doing something with you. That way he knows you are available to him at those times.

If you read the thread OP details all the 1:1 she offers to her eldest

Did you pull the youngest up for lyiong, or has this gone under the radar?

It must be incredibly hard for your eldest to miss out on stuff because of his brother. He's lashing out because he's not mature enough to deal with his feelings.

Ahhh he’s 14 OP!

It is a dreadful age. He spends half the holiday semi-sulking, hating you and refusing to participate.

When you’re at your absolute lowest at the airport - that’s when the teenager will strike and do something to push you right over the edge. So now he has a real grievance and he’s now made that the focus of all his misery, what a hard life he has and mum doesn’t really love him as much as his db etc etc.

He will calm down. If you give it a while. When you can talk about normal things like dinner and telly, say you’d like to explain about the airport. Say “for the record, I do love you as much as your db. It’s really hard managing your db’s special needs. I know that doesn’t always feel fair to you, but I try so hard - I try my very very hardest all the time. And I wanted you to enjoy the holiday with me and your cousins. I am so sad that you didn’t. I hope you will spend some time thinking about it and if you want to talk it over you know where I am.”

It sounds as though your eldest has reached breaking point too. I suspect that the feelings he’s expressing now have built up for years.

It must be so hard for you and I don’t know what you could have done differently, but I would try and get some counselling in place for your eldest. He’s at a difficult age and is obviously carrying a lot of feelings that he probably needs help to work through.

It sounds like on the holiday you did your best under trying circumstances. But from the older one’s view, everything is all about the younger one.
I know you said you apologised for shouting at him, but have you tried apologising in general for having to put his younger brother first most of the time due to his needs? When I was a kid I was the older one in your scenario, and my parents never once apologised to me. It would have gone a massively long way if they had.

I have read the OP. It is not time that is centered to him it is time that she has spare after she has spent the day calming down the youngest.
And I suspect that the eldest knows that the offer of the day out would only last as long as the youngest remains calm.

Wow, way to stick the boot in. Do you get some sort of thrill from being a complete arse to people already struggling?

It hardly sounds as though the eldest had a great time either. Even if OP was with his younger brother most of the time, he could have gone out on his own/made some new friends (assuming a resort type holiday, not suggesting he roams the streets of a foreign country), hung out with his extended family, taken OP up on the offer of a day out just two of them...but instead just moaned and sulked in the hotel room on his phone.

I don't understand why people seem to think you MUST go on holiday every year. It's not actually compulsory, if it causes more stress than joy just leave it for a few years. I hated going away with family when I was a teen and would far rather have stayed at home. It's different if some members of the family love it so the rest have to suck it up for them, but in this particular instance it doesn't sound like any of the 3 of them really enjoyed themselves.

Perhaps OP could do a day trip with just him, or a UK based holiday and take a mate with him or whatever instead.

Sorry I know it’s shit but you can’t make this about you now. You’re the adult and you need to step up and arrange some quality time with your older son. If you don’t he will never forget this.

I don’t understand why you immediately believed your younger son. Does he manipulate situations? Is it possible that context might have changed your judgement.

It may be that you are the only one who can calm your younger son but that doesn’t mean you have to always prioritise him. TBH I feel sorry for him if he always has to defer to his younger brother’s feelings.

You have apologised enough your just begging now leave it alone he clearly has an opinion as unfounded as it seems because he was offered 121 time he was offered everything and he chose to pull faces mouth swear words and act poorly stropping about like he is so hard done by all his "you prefer my brother" bullshit is just designated to make you feel bad for not tolerating his bullshit he chooses to go out with his mates instead of spending time with you thats not a you problem thats him choosing to be away from.you let him sit with his choices for awhile

This is great advice, you can’t actually change the situation but you can empathise and build your connection with the elder child, keep offering even if they don’t take it; maybe in time you can make it your joke that you’ll always keep offering - and that’ll become the irritating thing for him! Also many teens push away from family whatever the circumstance at this age, teenagers can be brutal. It sounds like you’re frazzled, and feel guilty. Please recognise how much you are doing, and give yourself a break, mentally if an actual break is not possible.

I’ve voted thst you’re neom go unreasonable because youve done nothing wrong and shouldn’t be apologising or thinking how you can ‘repair’ what happened. Your 14 year old behaved atrociously and I think if you only shouted at him, then he should think himself lucky. He needs to learn some respect, and maybe your reaction might help that. For goodness sake dont apologise again, and make it clear thst you need an apology from HIM

If you read the thread he is refusing support offered by OP ...sibling carer groups etc

He was offered scraps of time, as long as youngest was setttled.
this is a 14yo child, how nasty are you!

The bitter irony is that although the older boy may feel, not unreasonably, ignored and done badly by, it is also true that because he is a 14 year old boy the last thing in the world he'll want to do is actually spend quality time with mum. Don't any of you remember feeling, at that age, that one's parents were not only crazily embarrassing but actually consciously going out of their way to be embarrassing?
OP, don't beat yourself up. At my very worst, as a self-centered teenager, I would never have dreamed of swearing in public at either of my parents. He earned your wrath.

What more stuff all about his brother?

He deserved it. I wouldn't apologise to him. Id clamp down harder on the pair of them!!!

I really feel for you, as sometimes it feels like you can’t do right for doing wrong. First things first forgive yourself, it was a very stressful situation and you made a mistake. Going forwards try to carve out some time 1:1 time for you and your eldest, whether it’s putting your youngest to bed a bit earlier and watching some tv together or , taking him out for a one to one walk where you can talk. Hang in there you’re doing great in a hard situation x

This.

He absolutely was asking for a public tongue-lashing.

However, I'm sure his home life is difficult as is yours. Can you get him into a Young Carers Support Group ? He would be able to talk to understanding adults and other teenagers in similar family circumstances. His school, or the LA shoukd be able to help with that.

Huh?? Well obviously OP can only offer time she has free to eldest DS. Did you want her to magicaly expand time? 🪄

She is offering her free time for 1:1 and being rejected (way before the holiday)

How come your youngest gets to be dysregulated and need 1on1 support and care, you get to be dysregulated and shout and roar in public and embarrass your son, but your eldest doesnt get to be dysregulated and act out like a typical teenager who is mad at the world and the position he has been put in?

Why does he have to act properly and behave himself when no one else around him does?

I am the older subling of my AD brother. Even as now older adults my db has always came first. He has a team of carers looking after him in his own home and my mum has never supported me throughout any of my parenthood. She compares my children as if im a friend and we are sharing notes on our children. Not that my children are her grandchildren hence now rhey have very little relationship with her. Dont forget he made you a mum and was your precious first born. Can’t their dad or anyone else take your youngest and then you can have a break with your eldest? Alton towers or the likes that he would enjoy? And so things often with him, and him only. A lunch/dinner/cinema.

Exactly, exactly.And i've had my ass handed to me on this thread and called names for saying it.

The only two people in this family who are allowed to be emotional and disregulated and shout are the op and her precious youngest.

The eldest child can just get on with it can he?

The things that have been said about a fourteen year old child on this thread are disgraceful.