How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

That’s right, if you knew anything, anything at all about sensory issues and direction, you’d know some days / times are easier than others. Tiny airport shop with no door just open, I was on the suitcase at the entrance. He’s not Hannibal lecter, he’s not locked on my wrist shackles 😵‍💫
THIS is what you’ve chosen to pick up on? His inconsistency with his sensory meltdown timings?
🤔

I haven’t palmed him off on anyone. He is extremely social, always has been and has a wide and varied friendship circle he goes out with or often has here in the house. His choice. I do access therapy through my work.

It’s kind of tough shit. You need to get over this. Your parents didn’t know how you would feel having lots of siblings, they probably thought you would grow up surrounded by love and laughter. Jesus Christ ‘my parents had too many kids.’ ‘My parents only had me and I was lonely.’ It’s hardly life shattering is it? Your therapist will tell you anything they think you want to hear if you keep paying to see them. Here’s some honest therapy - your Mum and Dad did nothing wrong having that many children. The end.
And don’t come back to me telling me 10 billion other things they did that have given you generational trauma because I’m writing this based on you crying a river over having too many siblings and the information you gave.

DS1 was 9 when DH moved out. He couldn’t handle the deck of hands dealt to us with DS2 disabilities. you are correct, DS1 never angry with his dad, adores him, but I would always be the one he calls first if in trouble/ worried as knows his dad would respond with anger and blame and I will always say I’d rather he can be truthful with me and we will figure it out together. I am definitely his safe person to lash out at.

So what are you suggesting ? That OP is making it up ? There’s nothing unusual about anything she’s said. Some days will be easier to manage than others and he won’t have a meltdown if the sensory triggers aren’t there - OP has already explained what those are and what the result can be.

And the faecal smearing, don’t forget that. That degree of regression from doing ok to 4 hour head banging meltdowns and nightly faecal smearing is very dramatic. All within a year as well.

Did that degree of deterioration not engender a hospital admission? Ruling out progressive neurological conditions, brain lesions?

ETA : because if he hasn’t had an MRI, LP and an EEG he should have. Unusual to go from doing well - “nothing extreme”, as you say, to nightly faecal smearing.

OP updated somewhere that he had a viral illness, after which Tourette’s was diagnosed. His motor and vocal tics are severe. OP also says she works with his medical team which includes a neurologist and psychologist. I would have thought that between them they’d have the diagnosis covered.

Can’t win here OP. One minute you’re being advised to pack DS1 off to live with his dad and the next you’re accused of palming him off on people. Batshit.

Your questions are really specific and medically invasive 🧐
but I’ll answer on the small chance you genuinely have a kind route with them all - yes he has regular EEG’s due to his medications as some
cause co-complications, he has not had an MRI or LP, neurology did not feel these were necessary. Threshold would be extremely high for this. His worsening symptoms have been attributed to puberty hormones and Tourette’s and he rekeys under psychiatry, psychology, CAMHS, OT and neurology.

Yes, but children get viruses all the time. That kind of dramatic regression would have or should have resulted in a full organic work up.

I’m a paediatrician, I’ve requested imaging, metabolic screens, EEGs for less. Maybe after everything has come back clear it’s reasonable to say that yes, going from functional to smearing faeces and 4 hourly meltdowns has occurred because of a virus, but that would be a diagnosis of exclusion.

It does feel like that tonight!

Are you a general paediatrician? Guessing so. Though surely you’d still know which medications he’s on would necessitate regular EEG’s. His specialist consultants know what they are doing, but thanks for your input.

I'm trying to understand how a child who smears their own faeces, can't be left with anyone but op and seems to have very limited understanding as none of his behaviours are his fault can possibly be able to go into a busy airport shop alone and then run back out to tell tales on his brother.

I can only hope you do not parent an ND child or child with SEND needs and disabilities, and that you never work in a position of responsibility with one. I have many faults, but a limited understanding of my son is not one of them.

Have you any experience of ND because it doesn’t seem like it ?

I think you mean ECGs, not EEGs, to be fair.

Seems odd to me that paediatric neurology agreed that was wasn’t a single neurological infection/process/lesion that needed to be ruled out when a child who was doing pretty well suddenly developed regression to the point of faecal smearing and head banging meltdowns for hours at a time.

If none of this is embellished I think you need to push for an organic screen. Make sure there’s not a progressive neurological disorder that has been attributed to a virus, tell him he’s begun smearing.

I have an almost teen with the same diagnoses. AuDHD and Tourette's. I've also spent a lot of time around children with the same diagnoses. An element of regression with meltdowns is common with puberty. Tics can also increase - age 12/13 is often the peak.

I've never heard of such a huge behaviour change just being attributed to puberty though. Or is the smearing deemed a tic?

Personally if the same thing happened to my son I'd not be happy with puberty as an answer,.especially after a virus starting it all (albeit it isn't clear if the tourettes was a new thing post virus or just got much worsr).

I am glad you are accessing therapy. Make sure you are getting the most out of it that you can - focusing on you and what you can control If you can’t control it, feeling bad about it is pointless and you can’t control what DS feels. This is not selfish; this is reality.

You can find ways to improve your relationship with him that are not focused on making him do what you want (forgiving you. He may, he may not. You can’t control it.).

His team are confident puberty hormones explain the deterioration, and faeces play is considered a stim. Always happens overnight or very early morning when unsupervised. His medical team are incredible and work collaboratively and if they aren’t worried something is missing in the puzzle, neither am I.

Let it rest for now, you both need to process. You have apologized and hes taking his time, as any of us might, to firgive and be ready to move on. A grand gesture of some sort might help. Something to make him feel important special- can the grandparents mind rhe youngest for any period of time to free you up?

I agree. Here he would be admitted and have all the stuff. Some of the absolutely over the top ones - like looking for rare neurotransmitter conditions in CSF that has to be put on ice and run to the lab 🙄. And only then would the neurologist say, that yes, it’s all likely just a virus and puberty.

But children with autism can also have progressive neurological conditions and it’s a dramatic and unusual regression.

Just scanning through some of these responses and I am so sorry OP, you are being amazing taking the time to reply to them! I only have one 15 year old son and I still struggle to keep it together and not swear my head off at him. I think you have done nothing awful -
ww’ve all been there. You sound like an absolutely amazing mum
doing her best in bloody awful circs with no support? I’m amazed you haven’t lost it a hundred times before this point. Please be kind to yourself, you sound like you are doing everything you can and I hope posting on here has helped you process what happened. I’m so sorry that you don’t get more support, one day of respite is not enough. Your Ex is not doing enough. You are doing everything, and unfortunately as you are their safe place they can behave how they want with you so
you get the brunt of everything. You have obviously done an amazing job with DS1 as aside from his behaviour and attitude towards you, he sounds hugely sociable, confident and independent….and perhaps happy? That’s a wonderful position to be in and down to the foundations you have built. I’ve got no advice but just wanted to remind you how brilliant you are doing in such challenging situation and to not beat yourself up. Sending love to you.

are you in the UK? His neurologist (kindly) laughed at me in past when I asked if DA needed admitted and scanned, and has been relaxed and confident alongside his colleagues in the other areas throughout. i know in eg US it seems much faster to scan and admit but here for a child who has a ND profile and Tourette’s, and has associated stims and emotional dysregulation, there is no way he’d be admitted and given an MRI.