How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

To answer the co-dependency point- I don’t think I am? I speak monthly with his medical team including psychiatry and psychology who are clear the most important thing can do is help regulate him and keep him safe. Because I am the sole adult at home, no one else can do this. I’d love to have a team of other adults to help but I don’t. I don’t think that’s co-dependency, I think it’s responding to his safety needs as part of his care plan.

Could u for example bear the 5 hours to the grandparents if they are able and willing - leave your da2 there for a couple of days and invest in yourself or spend time with ds1 if he wanted to?

@Pumpkinlatte1235 do not listen to the tone of this thread. You did amazingly to try a holiday with the boys and you’re doing amazingly to still be thinking so carefully about them even under such stress.

nothing. Because honestly the answer is having a loving marriage with 2 NT kids with no health issues, no anti-psychotic meds, no endless list of medical appointments and symptom lists, and not waking up every morning to faeces smeared all over his bed and wall. So my answer has to be nothing because to want to change my child is an awful thought 😥

They are in their 80’s and absolutely could not cope. Lovely as they are.

Understood ... it sounds really tough and a lot of it is outside of your control...could you ask a similar ish question to your ds1 to see if u can learn what he needs? We are all speculating what he needs but only he will know and hopefully you can build on that together ... ❤️

That’s such a thoughtful point. I haven’t asked him this question, I will.

Well no, but shouting at your dc and grabbing things from them is certainly dysregulated. It's understandable the op was at the end of their tether but it isn't the ideal way to manage dc. It's not helpful to pretend otherwise I don't think.

That was the entire point of my
post

Pumpkinlatte1235

Don't confuse quality time with loads of time.

Try talking to your DS1 when you drop food and drink off in his room.
Be there and talk to him when he gets in from school;
Be waiting for him.
Put him first when you can and not just when the situation with DS2 allows it.

"Playing second fiddle his whole life" is quite a leap from one post where a mum is honestly and openly beating herself up about a bad moment on a stressful day. She didn't come here for a diagnosis of her entire parenting history from a stranger - she came here having already said "I know I'm in the wrong," which is more self-awareness than this reply has shown her.
Two kids, one of whom has additional needs that clearly take intensive real-time management, and a mum who is human enough to reach her limit on the worst day of a hard week - that's not "prioritising her darling youngest," that's a woman who's stretched thin and knows it. She's not asking to be told she's a bad mother. She's asking how to repair things with her son. Maybe try answering that question instead.

What's the plan for your son's adulthood? Surely his care plan cannot depend on you indefinitely?

We (I and his medical team) haven’t discussed adult hood yet but I imagine he will need supported accommodation when I can no longer care for him.

I mentioned the experience of a school friend's family. They waited until the mother was elderly and the eldest daughter (who was autistic) was about 50 before they organised supported accommodation.

There was no question of the other children taking on her care: the middle sister had been given a terminal diagnosis and the youngest was very unwell at the time, so the Social Work Dept didn't push for the siblings to take on the care of the eldest.

It turned out that the eldest sister was very happy and actually had more autonomy - they regretted not organising it sooner.

I suspect that the Social Work Dept is happy for parents to soldier on as long as possible, but it might be worthwhile raising the question now. From what you've said, there's no question of your ex stepping up if needed.

First things first - forgive yourself. It sounds incredibly stressful, for you all actually, but you are human and are doing an amazing job. You will become overwhelmed and stressed and snap yourself; its what you do afterwards that counts.
Second thing that jumped out is your first is only behaving so awful to you because he is craving connection with you. Not saying you aren’t doing this, there is only so much of you to go around; I’m more explaining where his unmet need is and it’s actually a positive/lovely one. So remember in the bad behaviour, it’s actually a psychological response of wanting love/closeness with you/ ie a positive thing. It sounds like his brother’s needs combined with ordinary sibling difficulties of having to share your mum effectively, run very deep for him and there’s (to be expected) jealousy / resentment here.
As to what to do, you can only apologise to
your son. Explain that you’re sorry, why you’re sorry. Why you felt overwhelmed and pushed to the brink. Be completely honest. Explain why you found the trip hard; that usually you’d be able to spend more time with him but his bro needed you and wouldn’t settle for anyone else, so
you had to do the hard thing of being there and not being able to be elsewhere. Tell him you missed time with him. Tell him you love them both deeply, and you love him deeply. Ask if there’s something he’d like to do with just you wherever that is possible to make up for it.
The thing that kids crave the most is our time. Our affection. It sounds like you’ve had a very difficult time of it lately, and it must be incredibly hard to meet both their needs and your own. Make sure you’re getting a moment where you can to restore yourself and look after yourself. And just be there for them both. If you’re available, loving, forgiving, open to them, they will both come around and open up (eg youngest why this trip was harder), and your eldest who is craving your attention will come round. Sending you all the love and luck in the world. You’re doing very very well indeed X

To be honest If your younger child is this upset being away I absolutely wouldn’t bother and if a teenager is going to sulk and stay in their room it’s just a total waste of money and not worth the upset.

Your older son sounds like he was very frustrated which I understand but it is hard on everyone and I think from the sounds of it the holiday wasn’t a good idea for anyone and became overwhelming and stressful for everyone.

Why don’t you suggest something just you and older son to try to rebuild? Meal out or bowling or something? Have a good chat and try to talk things thru.

No he misses out because he behaves like a miserable, sullen tosspot who swears at his mother.

"lots of ignorant people"
Which are the ignorant people? The ones who don't agree with you? I've been advocating for DS1 here as I was in his position growing up, and I'm AuDHD myself, with an ND child - I don't think that fits the definition of ignorant on this topic.

"will get some much needed experience of dealing with ND children"
And - I've seen multiple others on this thread consistently advocating for DS1 who have ND kids / are ND themselves.

You had a choice whether to publicly shout at him, though.

It's difficult when you're the NT child with a ND sibling. You do feel like second fiddle, whether that's fair or not and regardless of the reasons why - that how it feels. Have some empathy.

Your teenager should not have been mouthing silent swear words at you. He knows it was wrong and it must be horrible to be on the receiving end of such behaviour. You aren’t a saint and he got what he deserved. You’ve apologised and I don’t think you should grovel any more. Wait for him to get over it.

I wouldn't apologise, he needs to understand that he can't behave like that with no consequences. He swore at you, and you were at the end of your tether, so you swore back. Usually I would say as an adult you shouldn't retaliate and stoop to their level, but given the situation, I don't think you did anything wrong on this occasion OP.

The ones who believe that it’s all choices. That choices are easy. That help is available.

OP, I forgot to offer my top tip- Snapchat! A colleague suggested it once when I mentioned that my teenager only replies to messages when there is an incentive. She was right. He NEVER ignores a snap!

Also - I've not mentioned DS1's behaviour because to me it's a symptom of the overall problem with the relationship between him and his mum. His behaviour was obviously unacceptable, I don't think anyone disagrees with that. But the incident in the shop is a serious rupture in the relationship between him and his mum, and right now is not the time to get angry with him. Stabilise the relationship first.

The reason I was pushing hard for the regular space and time for DS1 is that having a day just to be the only kid in the house doesn't necessarily have to be trips out - actually he might prefer just having the house to himself and a pj day / accompanying OP to b and q and then getting to buy snacks they both like as a treat for the evening. Normal stuff. Trips can feel stressful and a bit forced when you've not been getting on.

OP, if you told him you wanted to go to family therapy just with you and asked him to think about it for a week before he decides his answer, what do you think he'd say? If his friends are nice kids you might find when they hear about it they encourage him to do it.

My view is you still need to establish the boundary that speaking to you (or mouthing to you) in a disrespectful way is not acceptable. So words I would use are I'm sorry I expressed myself in that way but I will not accept you speaking to me in that way. I completely see you are hurt, I see you feel like second fiddle but please know that I would split myself into 2 equal pieces if I could. I love you and your support means more than the world to me but please let me know how I can be your mother better because your happiness is equally important even though it may not feel that way to you.

I’ve talked with him already about family therapy and 121 counselling and I think his exact words were “I don’t want or need to talk to a f’ing stranger about anything, if you book it I’ll stay with a friend and not tell you who and I won’t go to it”