How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

When you have spoken to him have you done so in a nin judgemental way, that validates his feelings and allows him to put forward how this affects him in a non judgemental way?

Or

Have you reflected his feelings back at him, made him feel guilty for having them and then made him feel like its his fault for feeling like he does because his younger brother is ND?

Be honest.

To those saying that the eldest is controling,

Yes he is, because he is trying to protect himself by cutting out some of the stress in his life. It is ultimately self destructive. but he is 14 and is not mature enough to see it and all those name calling him are behaving no better than he did.

I think I lost it many times with mine when they were teenagers. Particularly my daughter who was completely awful. They are grown up now and all absolutely lovely. Parents are human beings not saints. As many others have said any apology to your child needs to come with a clear explanation of the triggers for your response.

Can you get any more hours with his regular carer, can you introduce another carer in? With us, we have a shadow shift with the regular staff member and is a chance for the supported person to get to know them a bit. I don't know if you would qualify for more hours.
I was a horrible teen and would never be in except to eat or sleep. I think your son sounds great and is probably wanting to be out as respite to himself. You have it really hard and I agree that trying to push for more hours with the useless parent would probably do more harm than the current arrangement does.
You also sound like you are letting your eldest know that you are there for him and he obviously understands how his brother's meltdowns affect you and that he needs you then.

This thread is a REALLY grim read. So many posters have literally no idea what it is like to support a person with severe disabilities and then the other extreme of, the person with disabilities can do no wrong and everyone else must fall into line.

OP I feel for you, but in honesty I think you are failing both your sons. I was in your elder sons position, 30 years ago. He wants to be SEEN. He doesnt WANT anything and thats why he can't answer your questions he just wants his Mum. He doesn't want to book in for a coffee or his allotted time slot when you have respite. He knows damn well that if DS2 carer calls, you will drop him in an instant and run to DS2. He doesnt want to feel that rejection so he is protecting himself from experiencing that. I would bet my last rolo, that on holiday there was something he wanted to do, nothing big, nothing dramatic. Perhaps he saw a tshirt in a shop window or fancied playing in the arcade but he knew asking for it would be a big deal because it wouldn't suit DS2. He doesnt want to do it with Nan/Grandad/etc he wants his Mum. Without the fuss. Without feeling he is taking time away from DS2. Without feeling his needs are making everyone's life more difficult. Hes 14 full of teenage angst and bravado but he is also a little boy who needs to be seen.

As for DS2. I get it. My brother has severe LD, Autism, ADHD etc. At 40 still has epic meltdowns and will harm himself. But. Being his only safe person is ludicrous and a massive disservice to him. My father dropped down dead from a heart attack. No warning. No time to prepare. If you are honestly the only person who can support DS2 what will happen to him in that circumstance? That's a massive disservice to BOTH children and maybe a weight that DS1 already carries.

Also agree with @Pumpkinlatte1235
I've been following this thread and wondering about DS1's anger towards his "offsite" DF. Seems to me that DS1 dumps ALL his anger on his (almost) endlessly patient Mum, because he knows he can without pushback. Whereas he's scared of "offsite Dad's" anger so doesn't push it with him.
How old was DS1 when his DF left? What led to the split?
Too many posters on here dumping on OP, who seems (almost always) to have the patience of a saint.
Perhaps DS1 could go and live with his dad for a bit? MIght do him good.
I think, OP, you've apologised more than enough. DS1 has a tough context to manage, but he's still behaving like a selfish, bullying brat.
Seems to me like you're doing a very difficult job very well (almost all of the time), largely unappreciated and unthanked. Sending support and hugs.

Haven't read all the thread, but basically you swore at your son for silently swearing at you? Unreasonable, but understandable given the circumstances. Nothing you can do about it now, other than try to speak to him about it, if he's able to sit down and do that. Probably worth apologising and explaining that you're sick of this behaviour but this doesn't always work. I have four DC and some are reasonable, some not - this isn't your fault, it's who they are.

One random day that she can plan for in advance, not one random day as in she decides that morning. There’s nothing to say that the ex 100% wouldn’t take ds1 once for a one-off for a special occasion such as an awards ceremony if she specifically asked, begged even if needed, for her son’s sake. One day. Or a few hours on one day. If she can’t even offer her older child one single day in his entire life, even for a special event that’s supposed to be to celebrate him, then no wonder he feels so unloved. She could potentially even try and swap the respite day so long as he’s aware it’s been intentionally swapped to do something with him, not it’s been swapped and so she’s offered him that day instead.

My thoughts exactly!
There seems to be a tendency on here to over analyse, scrutinise and judge to an obscene degree.
Looking after ND kids is hard, nobody is perfect and can you imagine previous generations looking at the reaction on here to a stressed mother bollocking a 14 year old teenager?!
No wonder there’s a generation of kids growing up to be entitled, emotionally immature and completely non resilient. So much of society seems to advocate for shielding kids from very normal human emotions, any accountability, a total lack of consequences and very little self awareness.

To the op, I’ve already commented but please don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing a very difficult job to the best of your ability, your eldest deserved a telling off and when things are calmer, an explanation as to why you lost your temper.
I’m sending you a big hug. X

We have a voluntary befriending service here. A youngster will get the opportunity to go out with a generally young adult and get some 1:1 attention, doing things that they like. If they don't get on with the person they are matched with they are paired with another. I think that it must be run under the Social Services setup. The befrienders are all vetted. From what I have seen it is mostly young boys from single parent households who use the service.

I’d change tack and not ask him if he wants to do something with you but say that you really want to do something with him next week or on a set date not too far in the future. You’re not offering your time to him, you’re asking for a bit of his time to be with you. If he really is out with his 9000 friends all the time then one day out of his life won’t kill him. It’s an entirely normal parent thing to tell their kid that they’re expected to spend a bit of time with their family from time to time but this time it’s time with you, not you him and ds2. Tell him you feel like you don’t get enough time with him and that it’s important for your sake that you get some. I wouldn’t pick something like martial arts, that is cringy, but maybe a film he wouldn’t hate seeing? He might hate the idea and moan but he will see that you’re trying and again, make it clear that it’s for you to see your son. He can call it try hard all he wants, let him know that loads of parents are try hard with their kids and that’s it’s an entirely normal dynamic that he wants to be with his friends but that sometimes that comes second to family. As long as he gets to see them plenty it’s not unreasonable. It doesn’t even need to be a plan for the full day, so be can still see them before/after. Yeah, he might be annoyed which isn’t exactly what you want, but at least he’ll be annoyed at you for a totally normal teenage boy reason, not because of his little brother.

Completely agree. I used to be one of them. I never wanted to rock the boat or upset my son. He went through a really bad (rude, destructive) patch and I think it’s because I wasn’t hard enough on him, a lot of the people commenting things like this will still have young children and have no idea how their child will turn out yet!

Only escalated in the last twelve months what’s been noticed by OP though. Her dc could have been masking their unhappiness about the situation well before that and it’s only now become more apparent to OP.

No suggestions, but my point is, cut the teen some slack. Whilst OP is struggling, her teen is struggling too, and his brain isn’t mature enough to cope with what seems to be, to him, an injustice here. Sounds like this has been going on for years in plain sight, but because he’s dealt with the situation in silence, OP has been oblivious to how much he’s struggling until recently. There are no easy answers, but it’s sad that posters are piling on the teen, when he is obviously struggling to accept he gets no attention from his only present parent, and it’s probably been a build up of resentment over the years.

Having observed friends trying to make contact work with selfish exes over the years, the absolute last thing you want to do is to change a stable (if hugely unbalanced) arrangement with an ex and have them feel you owe them a favour.

I mean, they are both the ex's sons too, yet he is satisfied to do the bare minimum...

Oh, great repair the relationship between the older son and his mother by sending him off to live with dad so mum gets to be completely. alone with the youngest.

All that's happening here is the older one is acting out because he's sick of being the good one. The one who has to behave, because mum has her hands full.

I'm not saying there's a solution to this problem.There isn't by the look of it, but that doesn't mean the fourteen year old boys feelings are invalid. I was the youngest in my family, and I had to be the good one. My sister had mental health conditions, eating disorders, violent behaviour, and my mum had her hands full dealing with screaming meltdowns from her several times a day not unlike what the op describes with her youngest.

I wasn't allowed to act up and be a normal child or teenager.Because of my sister, I had to constantly worry that my mum couldn't cope with any more. It's far too much burden on a child to expect them to behave all the time to lessen the load on their mother and that is why he dissolved into tears when she humiliated him and screamed at him in public.

My mother tolerated so much from my sister and let her get away with it because she couldn't help it.But as soon as I acted up, I got a tonne of bricks on top of me. She was far harsher with me as I didn't have my sister's issues.

He's sick of being the good one.He wants to be normal. There isn't a solution to this, but I feel so sorry for the boy who's been demonised by everyone.

Absolutely @Livelovebehappy And to channel a 14 year old, he didn’t ask to be born!

I’m the eldest of 6 children and all of us born very close together. The largest gap between siblings is 20 months. It’s great now, but it was sometimes a very difficult emotional environment, even though none of us had learning disabilities as the OP’s DS2 has.

it’s great now - we’re all very close. But one of my recurring nightmares that still wakes me up crying is some sort of nightmarish situation where the family is in danger, but I am overlooked and left behind. The moment of facing danger after my family has left me is the thing that wakes me up. I still have this nightmare pretty regularly (every couple of months).

So I was brought up in a tougher age where we were expected to get on with things, but it’s left its mark in a small way - even in middle-age, I’m still processing the constant replacement and displacement I express a baby ( I was 15 months old when my next sibling was born). We don’t know what small damages DS1 is experiencing. There’s not much that can be done - @Pumpkinlatte1235 is doing her best, but the situation is damaging for her elder son, I think we can be pretty sure of that.

My background is in disability support and I’ve seen this so often. OP’s situation is very difficult, and posters are looking for a solution. There isn’t one. At least not one that OP can implement until DS2 is less reliant on her and on his way to being more independent. That’s going to take time and a lot of input from OP and the support services working with her. There have been some great suggestions on the thread as to how to get the ball rolling and OP has indicated that there are several HCP’s and other services involved with DS2.

Respectfully, where I disagree with you is that DS1 is behaving like a selfish bullying brat - but I’ll caveat that because that does seem to be the case on the surface.

My own opinion is that he’s acting out because he doesn’t know how else to express his frustration. OP hasn’t got the time she would like to concentrate on DS1 because DS2’s needs are the priority. But that doesn’t mean she has to accept shitty behaviour from him. I think she needs to set boundaries as to what is acceptable and what is not - kids need boundaries and DS1 seems to be out of control because he hasn’t been given guidance as to his behaviour so he’s testing the water.

That’s in no way a criticism of OP - she has an awful lot on her plate and I agree, some of the replies indicate a total lack of appreciation for the level of disability and caring duties she’s dealing with.

FFS !!

And the notion that OP can just swap the respite day is indicative of how little posters know about the system.

So do mine.

I don’t think DS1 is being demonised by everyone. There are those of us who know what’s happening and why. I also don’t think that DS1’s problems are because OP comes down on him like a tonne of bricks, or is harsher with him. Nothing in her posts comes across that way. Actually I think the exact opposite. Kids need boundaries and as far as I can see OP isn’t defining any for him. His acting out and frankly appalling behaviour to his mother is a symptom of that. He’s pushing to see how far he can go and that resulted in the scene in the airport. OP needs to reassure him about his insecurities, but she also needs to set boundaries so that he knows what behaviours are and are not acceptable.

Well done OP. He’s learned a lesson that when you go too far, it can bite you on the bum.

Thank you that makes a lot of sense. I’m retired and my experience was in disability support and these behaviours were attributed to masking and then dysregulating and this appeared to fit DS2s behaviour on return from spending time with his dad. My experience is that dads tend to leave and once that happens there is no interest in learning about aspects of their child’s’ disability so they tend to think of it more in disciplinary terms.

Read the thread. He hasn’t been dealing with this for over a decade. OP updated quite a while ago that DS2’s behaviours only escalated to this level in the last twelve months. DS1 is fourteen. He may be a teen but from what OP says he’s far from stupid. Why do you think it’s such a reach for OP to explain to him that she’s offering to give him her respite time, that’s meant for her to recharge and carry on with her caring duties. It’s pretty much all she can offer and it’s a big deal. It’s also not rocket science.