How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

Well if she knows that why is she asking anyone else's opinion. Just go on and grovel to a rude kid. Way to teach respect ?

Perhaps you'd like to suggest precisely how OP can find an alternative carer for DD2 on a random day when she's already explained that her ExDP isn't interested and her DPs, who live a five hour drive away, are in their 80s and simply couldn't cope. Some of these suggestions are batshit crazy, especially when you consider that even if OP moved heaven and earth to do this there's every likelihood that DS1 would just tell her to fuck off!

Understandable, to be honest. Neither would I, if I were him. After all, what is there to talk about? Nothing's going to change, it seems, so it's pointless.

How high were DS2's needs prior to this past year? You've said the Tourettes is new in the last 15 months, but you're also talking about him smearing feces around his room every morning, so it sounds like DS1 has been dealing with playing second fiddle to his incredibly high needs sibling for as long as he can remember? That's been his whole life? Dealing with his sibling who drains all the energy and time from his mother and smears shit on the walls?

An adult would really struggle to deal with that. If that's the case, no wonder he's burnt out, has given up on trying to bond with you, and is actively avoiding you (especially as he's now a teenager, and at the stage where naturally he'd be pushing you away a bit).

When did his dad leave? And what is his dad like with DS1? Is it possible that he might prefer to be at his dad's? What's the co-parenting dynamic like? You couldn't suggest DS1 going to his dad's because that would just feel like more abandonment, but would his dad want that and ask for it? I only ask because I wonder if he might be able to have the experience of being someone's first priority at his dad's, and it would take some stress off you?

Just wanted to add a note of empathy. You are in an incredible difficult position and you are handling it as best as you can. The challenges your younger son has sound immensely hard. I have a neurodivergent child too, and even without the self-harm and meltdowns, there were times when I felt that I was constantly dealing with their behavior to the exclusion of my other children. But I had no choice! Just as you don't.

I am absolutely positive that one day your older son will look back and realize you were doing the very best you could. I know that doesn't help you now, and I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. But please have some compassion for yourself. This shit is hard.

Suppose he did agree to family therapy or 1-1 counselling. What would you want the outcome to be?

From his perspective he could see those suggestions as meaning that he's the problem, that the purpose will be to talk him into accepting his place in the hierarchy and not make a fuss, that it will be all talking but nothing would change.

What would you say to him to see things differently?

I don’t think I can say anything to take away the bare facts that his brother has high care needs, I’m sorry for that, I love him deeply and would do anything to make him happy, ask him if there is anything I can do. But I’ve asked all these things already to him over the last year and each time he says nothing.

"I suggested eg learning martial arts together and he snorted at the idea and said he’d die of embarrassment and I need to stop trying so hard."

He has told you that you are trying too hard? Maybe he doesn't need drinks or bribes, but confident guidance and boundaries from you. Instead of letting him be the guide for you and him, and always deferring to his preferences as if he were the grown adult in your relationship, you could tell him, no, you cannot be on the phone and ignore our family on holiday. You cannot be disrespectful to me, and stop our conversation to take calls, and give me "four minutes" etc.

Look up glass children

This.
adding to it, and getting inspiration from someone else’s post, I wonder whether there are lots of small gestures that you could ‘drip feed’ your eldest. Like cooking a favourite meal of his (a low effort one, of course), leaving a favourite chocolate bar (or whatever) for him etc, being available for a 20 min heart to heart one evening when he is calm etc. and just keep at it with the tiny gestures - even spontaneous things like “do you remember when you were little and….”. Things that don’t take too much out of your depleted energy sources. It sounds like he needs attention from you but you are in such a hugely difficult place. But these little acts are far more powerful than going to a theme park (especially as he hates them)!! You sound like you need far more help. You are accessing all the right things and teams. You sound utterly incredible.

100% this. Your poor son. Do you have any other support who can watch your ND child, to free up time so you can have some one on one with your teen? Sounds a lonely and miserable existence for him, and his behaviour is only going to escalate as he goes through the next few years unless you invest some time in him too.

You get that the youngest is disabled right ? That this is not just him acting out to be awkward or getting his own way ? That there is a team of experts and medics supporting OP in supporting her DS and he will have a care plan ? Are you reading her updates ? It took five months for him to accept the respite carer just for a few hours a week. At the moment she is his safe adult and she can’t just drop the rope and dump him on someone else while she concentrates on her DS1. That’s the whole problem.

The respite time she gets isn’t just ‘little bits of time she has free from DS2’. It’s respite time from her caring duties and is supposed to be her free time to relax and unwind - her support time. And she’s prepared to offer that to DS1 instead of using it for her own comfort because it’s the only time she doesn’t have other responsibilities.

And how awful of you to describe a little boy with such disability as ‘the golden child’. He has a severe disability and OP is his carer. She is not ‘favouring’ him above other family. It is not the same as your own childhood situation and it’s very unfair of you to project that onto OP. Some of the replies here are shockingly ignorant of disability.

Of course he says nothing. He wants you to see for yourself the obvious reasons he is miserable. But you think by asking him now and again, you’ve don’t your bit and if he says he needs nothing from you, then that’s your job done.

There’s some really shitty reply’s here that I don’t think you deserve. Lots of people who have no idea firstly how hard teens are to parent and especially ND ones! Teens push your buttons for sure and you’re only human! You’re bound to loose it at some point and you dont have to tolerate being treated like crap either! Do you have any other adult support? I’d let the dust settle on this one and then apologise for shouting, but he also needs to acknowledge his part and that his situation you up made that situation worse.

Dont beat yourself up. We’re not perfect (unlike what some people here would like you to believe!)

What do you suggest OP do then ? She can’t just drop her caring duties and her youngest isn’t going to magically get better. We’re talking about a boy with very high care needs and OP is the main carer. She’s not making this up as she goes along, she’s working to a care plan and being supported by DS2’s HCPs and social care. She’s tried to communicate with DS1 and he’s not having it. She can’t force the issue or she’ll make it worse.

This is not a situation with easy solutions and blaming the OP doesn’t help - none of this is of her making and for now, at least, her options are limited. As discussed upthread, at some point soon DS2 will need to become more independent if he’s not to be reliant on OP in later life, and she’s had some great advice about that on the thread. But she’ll need as much professional input and support as she can get, and it won’t happen overnight.

Sorry op there are already a lot of posts to get through here but i’m not sure from what i’ve ready if you confirmed that DS2 was telling the truth about DS1’s behaviour in the shop - did he actually hit him and make fun of him?

Tbh i think his behaviour like mouthing f off to you is unacceptable and he hasn’t taken any responsibility for it. So I would just leave him to it and let him calm down. He won’t be able to ignore you forever.

He’s 14. He doesn’t know what he needs. You have to be the parent and make some decisions for him. It sounds like you are making the same mistake I did with my teen at the same age and giving him too much control, freedom & autonomy.

I know it is hard but you need to move towards telling rather than asking and clear boundaries. Teens are a mix of adult and toddler brains and dealing with massive hormonal changes. He needs you to be the adult.

are you getting any counselling or similar yourself? You’re under so much pressure I would think you’d need some time and space to help give you perspective and support.

On the contrary. You need to go away, but just with your elder son. Poor lad. He was ignored in favour of his brother, and not able to express the complexity of how he feels because basically no one was listening to him.

He's played second fiddle since he was a toddler and he resented that, I imagine. But I’d also bet he realises that his brother needs that care and attention and also feels guilt for resenting it.

He needs you and your attention. Just for a weekend.

Future proofing for your second son is also important. He needs to learn calming strategies with others, not just you. That’s the really tough bit, I imagine.

Look at this way - trying to understand from his point of view - which he may not be able to articulate:

All the times you offer him your presence are times which revolve around his brother. You’re only available to him when his brother doesn’t need you. His needs are subordinated to his brother’s in this respect.

It sounds as though you can’t do much about it at the moment, but that’s the pain of the situation for all of you. Can you prioritise your elder son in some ways that are visible to him?

OP your original question seems to have got lost. With regard to the incident in the airport and the aftermath, DS1 is attempting to control things by declaring that you were at fault and then refusing to discuss it any further.

If you actually saw what happened then your instincts were to protect his brother, but if you didn’t, then it’s hardly surprising that he’s pissed you’ve assumed the worst - you don’t need anyone to tell you that that will just reinforce how he feels about the circumstances as a whole.

l think maybe to wait until the dust settles and then offer an apology for appearing to jump to conclusions. He may or may not have done what his brother accused him of, but giving the benefit of the doubt in his favour rather than his brother on this occasion may go some way towards building bridges.

But along with that he needs to know that his own behaviour towards you was totally unacceptable and he should apologise for that. He needs to be reminded that despite everything you are still the adult and he’s the child.

As l said, he’s trying to control the situation by refusing to discuss it and if you’re not careful you’re going to end up grovelling. Give him some space for a bit and then take the bull by the horns - a one time apology from you for any misunderstanding and the same from him for his rudeness. From what you’ve said he’s a good kid, but he’s having a hard time because of the shitty circumstances you’re all in, and hopefully at some point you can talk things through with him and you can both share your points of view.

Has the extreme behaviour like smearing faeces also only been in the last year and a half? Did he have a diagnosis of tourettes before this? Tourettes tends to start really young and slowly develop over time. If it came on suddenly it is more likely to be FND or some other sort of neurological disorder not tourettes.

I think there’s something to this. Kids need boundaries and perhaps he feels as though he’s not being set any as he gets older - hence the rude behaviour, swearing etc. he’s testing the OP to see how far he can go, and unfortunately pushed her into snapping.

I think there’s an important point to be made here. OP gets a few hours one day a week respite from caring duties. This is supposed to be for her to rest and recharge so that she can carry on with what sound like onerous responsibilities in respect of DS2. It’s not just time when DS2 doesn’t need her, it’s meant to be her time. And she’s offered that to DS1, who has rejected it because he doesn’t see it as time carved out specifically for him. Which in actual fact it is. OP is offering to give up the one chunk of precious time she has to herself, during which time she can relax because she knows DS2 is safe and cared for. Perhaps she should try to explain that to him, because he needs to understand the nuance.

OP updated fairly early in the thread that things with DS2 have only escalated to this level within the last twelve months, so it hasn’t actually been like this for most of DS1’s life, as this poster suggests. I think it’s clear from what OP says that there is no-one she can just hand DS2 off to - that’s the problem. It took DS2 five months to get used to the respite carer and that’s only for a few hours once a week. Unfortunately there aren’t any easy solutions to the situation OP and her family are in. DS2 is going to have to be weaned away from OP as his safe person in the very near future if he’s to avoid long term dependency. That’s going to be very difficult, OP’s going to need support, and it won’t happen overnight.

Why are you worried thinking you've done something wrong? The problem with this day and age is (and i'm mid thirties) is that children aren't told off enough or allowed to hear no or be corrected from what I witness. He shouldnt have got to that stage he shouldn't be smirking at you and swearing and in public too, he has the nerve to humiliate you in public? He gets in back, it's basic cause and effect the situation does NOT give him the right to act out and excuse it. Didn't like it did he? Him acting up isn't going to help his situation and he needs to understand that by you putting him right, like you did. I get he's frustrated but why are you punishing yourself when it should be him getting punished for a total lack of respect, I don't think you can see that you've given him all the power here. He's 14 and you're on a thread asking strangers for advice when he's been a little 'horror' yes it must be hard on everyone I absolutely have sympathy, but his behaviour isn't to be excused as he'll only get worse and know that you, as the grown adult, is wrapped around his finger out of guilt and that's not right. Maybe therapy would help as he needs to better understand his siblings needs and yours, and he needs to find his role in this dynamic. Very sympathetic for you but please don't let him get away with this sort of behaviour the situation needs some professional help.

So let him get away with it? That's the worst advice. Teaching him it's ok because you're in a difficult situation so literally do what you want. He smirked at her and she took the stuff out of his hand? Absolutely.