AIBU to install cameras because I suspect my husband is hiding affair?

[Lovingmynewlifestyle]

I need a little help. I have a strong suspicion that my husband is having / starting an affair. He has recently had two meetings (meals out - he paid) that I know of with a married friend, they knew each other before I met him. They talk frequently via text and I think a second Facebook account (that I don’t have access to). He has never told me about this I discovered a message by accident and have since found proof. I think he is now hiding how he communicates via hidden apps in his iPhone, he is very tech aware, and this these hidden apps are protected by touch ID that I don’t know how to get around.

The thing is I am going away tomorrow to visit family 150 miles away. I think this OW is coming around to my house to listen to music. I can’t prove 100%.

Am I unreasonable to get internal cameras? I can organise this tonight if I order now via prime. But I don’t know what to order, any suggestions?? It has to be easy to install. I am not tech savvy.

I have met this person, and we are due out as a group soon. Not leaving my husband so don’t suggest. Need to confront with evidence.

Sorry, but you lost me at ‘ I don’t intend to leave my husband ‘
If he is shagging someone else let him
shag in peace ffs. You aren’t going anywhere

I think there are a lot of misunderstandings from posters because of the way you have typed this. A lot of people are assuming you’re talking about filming inside the house (and that the existing cameras also film inside the house) but it seems to me that you are saying there are multiple cameras outside the property that you can’t access the footage from, and that you want to put another facing outside that you can access.

I do agree with others that I’m not sure of the point if you don’t want to leave him, but if you want the evidence for your own sanity, then I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. He knows the house has CCTV, he just thinks he’s the only one privy to it. It does sound like he is in EA territory already. And it does sound like he is planning to take it further than that if it hasn’t already gone further. If the footage will provide clarity for you somehow, go ahead.

You're not leaving him, even if he's having a torrid affair with this married friend and won't stop seeing her? So you'd be OK with him having you plus another girlfriend?

If that's the case why bother going to the effort of secretly filming them. If you won't leave?

You don't trust him. It doesn't really matter what the cameras would show. The relationship is over either way.

But it does matter to the op, she needs proof then she can move forward

I did have one thought - if she is a married friend then you must know her husband. Could you phone him when you know that she's 'listening to music' with your DH and ask to speak to her? See what reason she's given her husband for not being at home?

Because if BOTH of them are lying to their spouses then that's really all you need to know, isn't it?

You completely agree with covert filming and the posters who advise how to do this, despite others concerns that this could not be true and that it could be someone wanting to covertly record toilets/changing room or children?

she said internal cameras. anyone coming on here to ask how to secretly surveil their family inside the home while they are away should ring alarm bells.

OP should not allow cameras she can't control, even if they external. how ever this doesn't negate the creepiness of the request.

She says in her OP that she isn't going to move forward though?

you have proof he is meeting her and lying about it. you don't need anything else. You are not the police, you don't need any proof at all. the relationship makes you feel uncomfortable so you can ask him to stop.

All of this extra stuff is just trying to trick yourself, that you just need one more thing. you don't think about what outcome you want from this. is it knowing for certain? then what?

The outcome is something you can go for regardless, so aim for that instead. do you want him to end the "friendship" or just prove he is lying?

He's already lying by omission, having secret meets and inappropriate chats for a married man, and people are giving the OP a hard time about installing a camera that covers her front door only in a house with CCTV already. Do people know how many ring door bells are filming us on a regular basis? Lots!

As soon as one person has broken the trust, all bets are off in my opinion. OP just needs some more info before deciding what to do.

Just be careful he doesn't spot your camera OP.

This doesn't make a lot of sense. You already have proof he's been meeting another woman. Your options are to ignore it and carry on, confront him and move towards divorce, confront him and remain together.

I suspect your whole world has been rocked by this and you are prevaricating in a way. Getting more proof means the ultimate decision on what to do is a step further away. Why torture yourself. Speak to him.

So you don't see the difference between CCTV that they both know about and setting up a new hidden camera without telling anyone else?

The trust has gone, leaving is the best option. Messing about with covert cameras, trying to catch him out etc is just a waste of time. The relationship is essentially over at this point. Move on

She has explained that she wants a camera that she can position in a window to face the front door - so it wouldn’t have to be waterproof or anything and wouldn’t need drilling to an outside wall. I don’t think it would be difficult for a creep to buy a nanny cam and put it in their house and she hasn’t asked for any detailed instructions of how best to hide a camera or anything like that.

That's great! Now she knows there's nothing to worry about.

OP - did you try the passcode? @Lovingmynewlifestyle

Really, it's not hard. Ask to see the messages on his phone. If he loves you and wants to show he is faithful, he'll let you look at his phone.

What you are doing is just the kind of thing you would do if you want to end the relationship. If you catch him, he'll try to take the moral high ground by saying you are spying on him. I can't see a way forward for your relationship without him admitting what he has done.

If I had suspicions then I would do the same as you. What about a nanny cam too for in the living room?

Because he’ll probably deny it. Then if he is guilty he’ll try even harder to hide evidence going forward.

Well it wouldn't prove anything then, would it?

As others have said, why not ask him if that woman plans to visit? If she is and it's more than a visit, his reaction should tell you all you need to know.
I'm not sure why you suspect him though ... ?

Sorry I've just read your posts properly and understand why you are suspicious. Cameras at the front door aren't the answer though.

Just ask if he's planning on meeting her and watch his reaction.

They lie, lie and lie again. Always.

It doesn't matter if he does, because she's not going to do anything about it anyway

OP's DH should at least show OP the courtesy of meeting his mistress outside his and OP's home. If he did that, OP wouldn't bother installing cameras. What he's doing is a disgusting betrayal of OP's trust.

To answer a few questions. After 30 years of being together, I wouldn’t give up on a marriage easily - knock me if you want for this but this is me. I don’t believe this is a sexual relationship at all but a friendship. I think they are working through a situation that they had in their 20’s - they have only just got back in touch - I 100% know this.

Oddly enough it has been me that has encouraged him to contact old friends and he has just started to do this. Others he has met he has told me about, written them on the calendar and discussed them this is different. I am guessing as it is a woman he has kept it secret? I have met this person a couple of times in the past.

As for the existing CCTV - I now know how to access this and have used it today. It was professionally installed when my children were young and I just didn’t have the time and energy to learn how to use it. We could buy either 4 to 8 cameras in the package and we had to place the 4 carefully. There are flaws in the plan, but at the time this was all we could afford. Hence the actual door is not covered, but the entry points to the property are.
I found out that they met up by accident, I was completely shocked at the time and I should have really said something then, but I was processing it.

As for the new camera - it has been installed - by my husband. Everyone who lives in this house has access to the footage. No cameras inside - this was never my intention. The camera literally sticks on the inside of the window watching the door. Hence I referred to it as an internal camera. Nannycams and video baby monitors were not a thing when my children were young.

I am not ‘mentally ill’ as some have suggested. I am not paying for a PI - I wouldn’t know where to start! We both have separate but joined lives - I / we are not in an abusive or controlling relationship.

I just see this situation as a weird and unexpected blip in life.
Most of all thank you to those who took the time to make me think clearly about the situation. I have lost many nights of sleep thinking about it.