AIBU to install cameras because I suspect my husband is hiding affair?

[Lovingmynewlifestyle]

I need a little help. I have a strong suspicion that my husband is having / starting an affair. He has recently had two meetings (meals out - he paid) that I know of with a married friend, they knew each other before I met him. They talk frequently via text and I think a second Facebook account (that I don’t have access to). He has never told me about this I discovered a message by accident and have since found proof. I think he is now hiding how he communicates via hidden apps in his iPhone, he is very tech aware, and this these hidden apps are protected by touch ID that I don’t know how to get around.

The thing is I am going away tomorrow to visit family 150 miles away. I think this OW is coming around to my house to listen to music. I can’t prove 100%.

Am I unreasonable to get internal cameras? I can organise this tonight if I order now via prime. But I don’t know what to order, any suggestions?? It has to be easy to install. I am not tech savvy.

I have met this person, and we are due out as a group soon. Not leaving my husband so don’t suggest. Need to confront with evidence.

As for the question of ‘why does he not come and visit your family with you?’. We have pets and it is easier this way. They live a few hundred miles away from us.

Op, I really don’t understand what you want from this .
You said that your dh and this woman have a friendship .Are you concerned that this friendship may lead to something else .?
If this is a friendship and you are uncomfortable with this , why not simply speak to your dh and discuss your fears ?
You have been married for thirty years , yet feel unable to discuss this with your dh
Even if he is having an affair with this lady you will not leave the marriage so what is the point of your post?

OP I understand your concerns. My 60 something DH of 30 plus years also has a female friend who I am not entirely happy about. Similarly they were friends in their teens and 20s and then lost touch for several decades before reconnecting. As a young man DH had a real thing for this female, which was not reciprocated and so they were never actually more than friends .

A few years ago she got back in touch out of the blue and they now go out together a few times a year. He claims he no longer has feelings of any sort for her, but I do worry that it was a bit of an unrequited love sort of thing for him.

The only way I manage to deal with the jealously, is that we have an agreement that I will not kick off about him periodically seeing her as long he is absolutely open and honest about when he is doing this, and as far as I know he has been. All the reminiscing still does my head in a little bit, but I just grit my teeth.

I too would be very concerned that your DH is not being open with you and I really think you do need to challenge him about this.

My DH has been made absolutely aware that if this ever became anything more he would be packing his bags as I simply wouldn't tolerate that.

I hope your DH's friendship turns out to be innocent and that you manage, one way or another to find some peace of mind.

?

This is coercive control and just as bad as the cameras.

people need to think twice before making these suggestions.

AI Overview

Coercive control is an ongoing pattern of behavior used to dominate, isolate, and strip a person of their independence. Key elements include isolation, financial abuse, and psychological manipulation. Connections for Abused Women and their Children +1

Isolation and Restricting Freedom
Cutting off support: Keeping a person away from friends, family, and coworkers.
Controlling movement: Dictating where someone can go, what they wear, or when they sleep.
Digital tracking: Monitoring phone calls, texts, social media, or using spyware. womensaid.org.uk +2

Financial and Resource Control
Withholding money: Limiting access to funds or bank accounts.
Preventing work:
Forbidding someone from getting or keeping a job.
Controlling basic needs: Restricting access to food, medicine, or transportation.

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No I am not. This has literally happened in the last couple of weeks. We both have free access to the others tech. Always have done. I was setting up the music using the nearest and spotted a message. A complete accident. If anything I am being ‘gaslighted’.

OP, life is way too short for this. Yes, there is a high probability that, if there is anything but friendship with this woman that your H will lie. But just ask him.
you don’t have to be accusatory, just say that you know the two of them have met up recently and that you feel it’s odd that it wasn’t on the calendar like his meet up with other friends are.

I also think, and I mean this kindly, that you are talking yourself out of the relationship with your H and this women being more than friends.
There are signs that it could be an emotional affair, such as the song acronym meaning (sorry I can’t remember what the acronym is).

Unless you are willing to either have a conversation and/or come back from your trip early, you will always be wondering. The extra camera will pick up her coming to the house, but that will not give you the proof you need.

I hope you get the answers you need.

OP, I've been on your dh's side of this kind of thing (sort of)

An ex of mine from 40 years ago was visiting family in my country, was in my town for one afternoon and asked if I'd like to meet for a tea or coffee. In my case I DID tell my dh, and he encouraged me to go.

We met in a park, close to where we both worked - all out of doors, in public. But I was so unprepared for all the memories that were stirred up. We talked about people we'd both known, the fun and laughter, spoke a very little about the sad time when we split up (he was offered a job in USA and expected me to go with him; I didn't want to go and expected him to stay - we both sort of broke each other's hearts).

It was all above board (apart from one sentence about sex). But such is power of memory and reminiscence that the whole experience made me feel like I was 22 again. In 35 years of marriage I've never really fancied anyone other than my dh, but for a couple of weeks after the meeting with my ex my mind was consumed with him (and with the concept of my own 20-something year old self).

Ex and I don't keep in contact (except very vaguely on social media - nothing direct) but I have never been so glad in all my life that we life on different continents and in different time zones. It felt like a very dangerous liaison.

If your dh is meeting his ex after all these years, I think he is playing with fire. You can't police his relationship, but you can shine a light on it. Get it into the open, talk about it, ask him why he is keeping it secret. Share information about limerence. Tackle the risks head on.

All very good advice, except for:

"But just ask him. you don’t have to be accusatory, just say that you know the two of them have met up recently and that you feel it’s odd that it wasn’t on the calendar like his meet up with other friends are."

Cheaters are, by definition, liars. If you ask a cheater for the truth, they are going to LIE.

And their lies can be so astounding and flagrant that the betrayed spouse can start to disbelieve their own senses. I remember a few years ago, an OP came on a forum I was reading and said that she came home early one day; walked into her house; her H came bounding agitatedly towards her, shirtless and his hair dishevelled and saying he been napping; she saw movement in the bedroom behind him and started walking towards it; and her stark-naked neighbour came rushing past her, clutching her clothes to her chest, and vanished out of the front door.

And when OP overcame her speechless flabbergasted shock and started questioning, he said he was sick of her jealousy and the neighbour just came over to ask him to look at her toe, which she had jammed in a door.

And OP was so confused that she actually came to the forum to ask if she was unreasonable to doubt him!

Cheaters lie lie lie lie and lie. They've become the enemy, it is completely POINTLESS to ask them to tell the truth. They won't because that is partly WHY they cheat: they like lying and their lies.

I have zero problem with OP checking out what her H is doing. Cheating is abuse on many levels: mental, emotional, physical (STIs can be deadly), and above all financial. Marriage is a social contract: you need to protect yourself from partners who go bad and who can blow up your life.

And to the idealists on this thread saying, well, if you're checking him out, your relationship is dead anyway because you don't trust him: there is a LOT at stake, and NO ONE - including you - is going to willy-nilly blow up a decades-long relationship on the basis of an unconfirmed hunch.

This is dumb advice that does only hog-ties the victims of cheaters.

I agree. And also, the people saying “his face will tell you everything you need to know” (or words to that effect), have never met a good liar/gaslighter or they did and just don’t know it because they believed every word without realising it was lies. Every affair thread has them and I always think the same thing.

Absolutely this, and especially this:

Cheaters lie lie lie lie and lie. They've become the enemy, it is completely POINTLESS to ask them to tell the truth
I have zero problem with OP checking out what her H is doing. Cheating is abuse on many levels: mental, emotional, physical (STIs can be deadly), and above all financial. Marriage is a social contract: you need to protect yourself from partners who go bad and who can blow up your life.

Speaking from experience - it makes you so crazy you almost want to believe the outrageous lies just to keep your life together. That's why I said way up thread, sometimes you just NEED to know. It's for your own sanity.

I can't believe people are giving you such a hard time. On other threads, when a dp is suspected of cheating everyone says, 'get evidence ' . Him not being straight with you has forced you to try to find out by other means. A camera aimed at the front door isn't a huge invasion of privacy.

As I said in my post:
Yes, there is a high probability that, if there is anything but friendship with this woman that your H will lie.

I am not, and never will discount that people who cheat will lie and gaslight without a second thought. And they are willing to go to the extreme in order to be believed.

I can totally understand the need to have concrete proof of cheating, I’ve been on the receiving end and it’s an awful place to be.

But, this is a thirty year marriage that, from the information given by the OP, has otherwise been good.

I’m not saying she shouldn’t actively seek out proof, just that maybe a conversation with her H should factor into that somewhere.

"I’m not saying she shouldn’t actively seek out proof, just that maybe a conversation with her H should factor into that somewhere."

I agree. But because the vast majority of cheating spouses will lie straight (and often highly convincingly) right to their spouse's face, it is better to go into that conversation armed with irrefutable facts and evidence.

And even then the vast majority of cheaters will lie lie lie lie, and twist things, and flimflam the betrayed spouse into a bedazzled numbed state where they're not sure anymore whether it's night or day.

Thank you for all who have replied,
Someone said ‘what do you hope to get from your post’?
My answer is others points of views and thoughts.
This is an on going and live situation.
Lunch is arranged for next week with my husband and his friend. And me.

Life really feels weird right now. And I am thinking it through.
I really appreciate people’s thoughts about this. I am trying to stay even emotionally about this.
I suspect I am not the only person that is finding this odd.

Sorry if being a bit dim OP, but did you get the confirmation footage that you wanted while away ? Have you now spoken to your DH about the situation? And if so whose idea was a lunch with all 3 of you?

The expression I find extremely odd is
" lunch arranged for next week with husband & his friend & me" In my head I am imagining you saying darling if you and...... are arranging a lunch date do you mind if I join you both.

If my husband arranged a social lunch date with another woman I doubt I'd be joining them. I wouldn't stick around to be part of that situation. As married couples we all have our own particular bounderies & for me this scenario crosses the line.

I think people were asking what do you hope to gain from the camera, rather than from the thread.

Have you spoken to your DH or do you intend to confront them at this lunch? I think we all have the same questions as Pp.

How do you mean OP? Has he told you about her now?