AIBU to install cameras because I suspect my husband is hiding affair?

[Lovingmynewlifestyle]

I need a little help. I have a strong suspicion that my husband is having / starting an affair. He has recently had two meetings (meals out - he paid) that I know of with a married friend, they knew each other before I met him. They talk frequently via text and I think a second Facebook account (that I don’t have access to). He has never told me about this I discovered a message by accident and have since found proof. I think he is now hiding how he communicates via hidden apps in his iPhone, he is very tech aware, and this these hidden apps are protected by touch ID that I don’t know how to get around.

The thing is I am going away tomorrow to visit family 150 miles away. I think this OW is coming around to my house to listen to music. I can’t prove 100%.

Am I unreasonable to get internal cameras? I can organise this tonight if I order now via prime. But I don’t know what to order, any suggestions?? It has to be easy to install. I am not tech savvy.

I have met this person, and we are due out as a group soon. Not leaving my husband so don’t suggest. Need to confront with evidence.

Well, even if they're not having sex (yet), he's establishing a secondary intimate relationship with another woman and keeping it from his wife.

I've always considered that if you're doing something that you actively don't want your partner to find out about, you probably shouldnt be doing it (obviously caveats apply).

Yes, and he's just going to do as he's asked , is he?

@Lovingmynewlifestyle peoppe are wiwrd. Your husband is lying about meeting a woman. Of course you install the cameras to find out if she arrives first! Then talk to him afterwards

🤣

Why do you care if you're not going to leave him? Do you imagine you'll find him cheating, ask him not to cheat on you then you'll live happily ever after?

Hidden cameras are creepy. Imagine your home having cameras and you didn’t know it.

Your relationship is too toxic even if he wasn’t having an affair.

@JLou08You must be, to write such unpleasant things on people’s threads.

Why is he not going with you? Have you asked him for access to the cctv, it is your home also? I would get a friend to pop round with something whilst they are ‘listening to music’ . Having 3 meetings with another women behind your back really isn’t good.

Op. You are in a spin and I can totally see why. But you need to take a deep breath and give yourself a little shake. You sound like you know enough to approach your partner. You know he has met a woman 3x and lied about it. That is enough.

Can I suggest you sit down with your husband asap and have a frank discussion. No cameras, no watching. You will have to be honest about what you have found out and how and a guilty person may well try to flip that on you or use outrage to mask giving a direct answer. However, you will absolutely know based on his response - a good husband and partner would do anything to reassure a partner who is feeling insecure. If he can’t do that then the relationship is in grave difficulty regardless of whether he is having or planning an affair.

you say you don’t want to leave him, seemingly even if he is having an affair, and I would challenge that viewpoint. It totally undermines you as a person with autonomy. You sound like you would be just fine on your own, and being on your own would be better than living with someone who disrespects you so completely that they are both having an affair and going to great technical lengths to hide it. Value yourself, value what you are worth to him and others, and go into this with a resolve to respect yourself first - if he is doing this then is isn’t the person you like and love, he’s an illusion. Dont sacrifice yourself and your self respect for something that isn’t real.

talk to someone in real life if you can. That will really help support you.

Only If he has nothing to hide, but he is hiding something isn't he

You don’t sound crazy.

You sound really distressed at the prospect of your h cheating on you.

Yeah. Really try asking him and he’s definitely going to tell the truth. “Yes dear. I’m going to have a shag fest whilst you’re away.”

But I’d come back a day early or even pretend to leave and come back.

I’d end the relationship anyway. You clearly don’t trust him.

Either way, I hope you are ok and find peace.

Statistically most cheating husbands do not want to leave their partner.
They want their cake and want to eat it.
You do need to confront with evidence, as they will always deny, deny, deny.
My husband turned into the most perfect husband after I discovered the affair as he was so desperate not to loose the marriage. (Obviously the repair is not easy once the trust is gone and I cannot say with certainty that we make it, but I believe It was right for me.)
Without the evidence the outcome would have been very different.
Like you, we’ve been together decades.
I wish you all the best. The pain of discovery is like no other.
BTW, love your camera plan.
Once he’s admitted, one of your conditions for repair needs to be full transparency and he gives you pin and face ID for his phone.

I get the need to prove you aren’t mad and this isn’t in your head. Been there, done it. But if you aren’t going to leave if you find out, this is all just going to become a stress to you.

If I ever felt the need to check up on my partner like this, the relationship would be over.

If he checked up on me with cameras or whatever, the relationship would be over.

You say you don’t want to leave whatever - so what are you hoping to get out of this?

Because she needs proof then she can decide what to do,

This, although I’d also be wary of giving advice on how to record someone covertly.. how do we know the person wanting to do so isn’t the abuser looking for tips?

Because he’d deny it?
Everyone does.
Particularly when they know they are morally in the wrong but they haven’t actually done anything wrong (yet).

The only way this would work if @Lovingmynewlifestyle is happy NOT knowing the truth .She can tell him she knows he’s sneaking round and that it bothers her. But chances our she won’t know how he feels or why he’s being sneaky. If he’s enjoying the illicit meetings because he wants out or just because it’s fun.

OP what is the goal here?

You’re going to check the cameras and then what?

He’s going to leave you if he finds out there’s a camera he didn’t know about.

But even if you used the existing cameras, you’re still going to have to explain why you sat there and watched an entire weekends worth.

And then what if his friend is shown coming in - his response is that he had a friend around.

I understand how you must be feeling.
Your DH is trying to have an affair or leave you and you’re just helpless watching it happen.

But I don’t think you’ve thought this through.

I think you need to talk to him about your concerns and go from there.

So you’d be quite happy finding out there were hidden cameras at yours because you’ve got nothing to hide?

Very confusing - you dont want to leave him, so you just want to know if hes shagging, then will have a chat with him about why, and then remain with him, even though you can afford to leave (a potential) cheat? Jesus.

Exactly!!

I am disgusted at the amount of posters giving OP ideas.
Some have literally given names of products or links or ideas of where she can hide the camera.

How many stories have we heard about men recording their DPs to ensure they’re not cheating or to watch them having sex or getting changed.

Not long ago the husband was drugging his wife and letting other men have sex with her whilst she was asleep and secretly recording it.

And these are adults.
It could easily be someone wanting to watch children too.

No one should be encouraging anyone to secretly record their DPs or have hidden cameras.

Why if he is tech savvy, is there a blind spot on your front door? Surely this could have been sorted by him as someone said it's the most common place to have a camera?

This implies that he has set it up like this on purpose and for what aim OP?

I completely agree with what you're doing so good luck OP.

It’s shocking isn’t it!

Sometimes you just need to know. If she sees nothing, fine, but I would personally need to know.

I just want to add, my ex was financially, verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to me. And I absolutely hated him with a passion. Took me 10 years to leave.

I understand totally the OPs need for proof before confronting, you can't accuse someone of misdeeds without concrete evidence can you? She could be told no, she's crazy, she saw no text message because there wasn't one, etc etc.
We all know cheaters lie and lie.
Wrong as you think it may be, sometimes you just need to do what you need to do to get irrefutable proof