AIBU to install cameras because I suspect my husband is hiding affair?

[Lovingmynewlifestyle]

I need a little help. I have a strong suspicion that my husband is having / starting an affair. He has recently had two meetings (meals out - he paid) that I know of with a married friend, they knew each other before I met him. They talk frequently via text and I think a second Facebook account (that I don’t have access to). He has never told me about this I discovered a message by accident and have since found proof. I think he is now hiding how he communicates via hidden apps in his iPhone, he is very tech aware, and this these hidden apps are protected by touch ID that I don’t know how to get around.

The thing is I am going away tomorrow to visit family 150 miles away. I think this OW is coming around to my house to listen to music. I can’t prove 100%.

Am I unreasonable to get internal cameras? I can organise this tonight if I order now via prime. But I don’t know what to order, any suggestions?? It has to be easy to install. I am not tech savvy.

I have met this person, and we are due out as a group soon. Not leaving my husband so don’t suggest. Need to confront with evidence.

I think this might be what was mentioned in the original post that there was already an event arranged for them as a group soon

I think this is really good advice.
IF and only IF you do still want a future with him may I also suggest:

Yes proactive rather than reactive 100%
Come down hard NOW, it’s the only way you will be sure he cuts off all contact, and cut off ALL contact is absolutely necessary.
He gives you access / and Face ID to ALL his accounts. He will agree if he wants to stay married to you.
He agrees that he will never ever contact her again.
He tells you everything and gives you access now (b4 he deletes everything)
CONTACT HER HUSBAND - don’t tell yours that you are doing this, you may well learn more about what’s been going on and (assuming you are still wanting to stay with him) when the sh@T hits the fan from both partners, their cosy little togethers and their relationship won’t seem at all exciting anymore.
You say the OW is married and won’t want to blow up 30+ years - then she shouldn’t have been in secret contact with another woman’s husband /her ex partner.

“you are always on my mind”
And more messages.
Did you meet up for lunch with his friend ?

Please take action and let him know you are not waiting around for him to “sort out his past”
I wish you all the best 🌺

I don't think I would contact the husband. There are many reasons not to do that. Not least is the law of unintended consequences. Keep your side of the street clean.

https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/telling-the-ap-spouse

How are things for you now OP? I hope you have managed to find some sort of resolution.

Thank you for asking.
My honest answer is I have been up and down.
One night in bed my husband ask ‘are you okay?’. I expect he was thinking I would say fine, x is on my mind (something to do with my adult children. but this was not my conversation. I was perfectly calm and said directly how things had affected me. We had an hour of conversation, no shouting.
He has said he doesn’t want to leave me and I don’t want to leave him.
Some will not understand this.

This was several weeks ago. I have asked that he tells me when he makes contact, asked for deletions of messages not to happen again.
Messages are less often - but he is not telling me about them. They are not flirting anymore, but I still don’t trust things.

I still check his messages - and I hate that I do this. I hate that he shares our personal life with her, but not other friends. When I say share, a picture of our holiday / lunch out /dog. Nothing really personal. But not something that is just with her and not other friends.
We have a group lunch coming up soon, I will see.
Nothing is perfect and I think he may feel ‘I am over it’; but I am not.

You need to talk some more. You are still.keeping a lot to yourself which is not good for you or your relationship. He is still maintaining contact with her which is hurting you. All of these thoughts stored in your head with no outlet is not good for your mental health.
I wouldn't wait for the upcoming lunch as this is going to be difficult for you. Talk to him now. Good luck.

I hope he sorts his shit out and realises the effect this has had on you. I hope you can overcome everything and eventually move on. You have stayed calm and reasonable throughout. You shouldn’t be judged for originally wanting to catch him out on a camera at your door.

OP I'm so confused by this thread. Have you established he's having an affair or not?

He's still messaging her. I absolutely would not be ok with that. He's wanting both her and his married life. It's up to you if that's acceptable to you. I get it tho. A life together. It's hard to end. Especially if you still like him and otherwise things are ok. But yeah, u know what I'm saying.

I am glad that you have managed to tell him how much this has all affected you, but the fact he is still messaging her and not telling you as you asked him to, means he has either not been listening, or he just doesn't care enough to stop.

However I don't know what the answer to achieving an outcome that you want for your own peace of mind is.

You say you want to stay together and I can understand and respect this after such a long marriage but he still seems to be controlling the situation, while you are left to rather helplessly react.

Have you asked him to cut this woman off? Have you asked him to stop discussing personal matters with her? A friendship is one thing but he has an unhealthy degree of emotional investment here that I would find worrying.

For the good of your long term mental health does something not need to change? I think his attitude towards you lacks respect for both your feelings and for your role as his wife, but only you can decide whether to continue tolerating this or to start issuing ultimatums. At the moment he is having his cake and eating it.

No affair. I believe this is an old friend (with benefits) that are now friends that are happily married to other people. But they are re living their youth just by talking about the past. A thing people of a certain age seem to do.

Thank you for saying this regarding the camera. I was really angry when I posted this suggestion. Really, really angry. The amount of self control it took not to drive back from visiting my mum and confronting them in the pub/ home is unreal. I actually think her really understands how much he has hurt me. we can have female friends just not the secrets.

Sorry, he wouldn't be doing it if he was my husband.

Is he reliving his youth with male friends? With his family? Is he putting effort into reliving your early days in the relationship?

I fear that he still has one foot longingly in a different camp. It's such dangerous territory because it remains a wistful lost life. He needs a wake up call to stop mooning over the past, get both feet firmly back into your marriage and focus on the great life you've had and the long shared future you still have to come.

This is still disrespectful and I wouldn’t be happy at all

I question whether anyone who is truly happy in their marriage would spend time on a frequent basis discussing the past with an ex sexual partner and sharing current information and photos of their personal life on a one to one basis. Before even thinking about the flirting and the secrecy and what that meant.

This reads much more, sadly, like he is still carrying a candle for her but knows she won't leave her husband for him so takes what she is prepared to offer.

I would be very worried about what would happen if her husband leaves her or isn't around any more.

So sorry, OP, he still isn't being fair to you.

Yes he is meeting up with male friends. Yes we are going back to places we have been in the past and new places. First real year of retirement, six holidays so far this year, days out and meals out. So much planned for next year and the next five years
Which is why this meet up took me by surprise. I think we laugh and enjoy each other’s company as much as we did when we were young.
TMI coming up - even through we are in our early 60’s we still have a sex life. I absolutely will never understand why he never said before the meet up. We never say ‘no’ to each other / never stopped each other from doing things.
We have an amazing life as does this other person. I actually like this woman - which is what drives me really nuts as to why he never said anything.

Thank you for your views. I will really ponder these thoughts and take them on board.
Frequently = twice before I stepped in, and talked a lot.

For me a song springs to mind, ‘I want you, I need you, but there ain’t anyway I am ever going to love; now don’t be sad, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.’

My husband loves me. This song is not about me but her.
I think he is sorting some s@%t out.

Well I hope so.

@Lovingmynewlifestyle your posts make me sad. You have it all but the most important thing, your peace of mind. That is so important, without it you can never be truly happy. You have this constant unhappiness living inside you all the time.

You need to take some time and have a really honest and frank conversation with your husband. Tell him everything you have written here and then decide how you proceed. Good luck.

I think this is a good post.
In May, I had complete peace of mind.
I went out recently for a day, and wondered if he would be going out to meet this person - they did not. All the time I wanted to check find my iPhone), and I did at every service station on my motorway. No peace for me and I did nothing wrong.

Part of me writing here is to deal with thoughts and how to proceed.
I really welcome peoples views. Thank you

This is no way to live. In your 60’s after I presume a happy time together, you should be content and happy with each other. Not doubting and sneaking around, on either part.

i feel for you. You deserve to be happy, relaxed and content with your life.

Have you told your DH about your lack of peace of mind? I think he needs to hear this and the ongoing effects his sneaking about behind your back have had on you and your mental wellbeing. He may think it's all now done and dusted.

It is very sad that this first year of your retirement, when you and your husband should be enjoying your new free time together (and apart), has been blighted by the ghost of relationships past.

Can you really move on from this when you still suspect him of secret messaging and meetings? What would he need to do for you to regain trust?

You can't keep living like this. This is the time when you should be enjoying your life and living it to the full. Please talk to him and let him know how his selfish behaviour has affected you. Don't hold back or spare him. Both barrels 😄
Maybe consider counselling, on your own and couples. It will help. You have a great life but are not able to fully relax and enjoy it.
Consider reducing contact with her. She may be a nice person but she is a constant reminder of everything that has happened. Same goes for your husband, contact needs to cease until you sort out your relationship. 💐