AIBU to install cameras because I suspect my husband is hiding affair?

[Lovingmynewlifestyle]

I need a little help. I have a strong suspicion that my husband is having / starting an affair. He has recently had two meetings (meals out - he paid) that I know of with a married friend, they knew each other before I met him. They talk frequently via text and I think a second Facebook account (that I don’t have access to). He has never told me about this I discovered a message by accident and have since found proof. I think he is now hiding how he communicates via hidden apps in his iPhone, he is very tech aware, and this these hidden apps are protected by touch ID that I don’t know how to get around.

The thing is I am going away tomorrow to visit family 150 miles away. I think this OW is coming around to my house to listen to music. I can’t prove 100%.

Am I unreasonable to get internal cameras? I can organise this tonight if I order now via prime. But I don’t know what to order, any suggestions?? It has to be easy to install. I am not tech savvy.

I have met this person, and we are due out as a group soon. Not leaving my husband so don’t suggest. Need to confront with evidence.

Lol. You didn't think of this, did you OP?

I actually think the OP has been given short shrift here. It is OK for goose to have CCTV, but not the gander. And for all of those saying "you should talk", they clearly have, and another woman is coming round to listen to music with her husband, while she is away. I am probably of a similar age to the OP, and although no trust issues at all, I would find it very odd if my partner took another woman out for a couple of meals on his own, and then was inviting her around while I was away to "listen to music". The OP may be going about it in the wrong way, but her aim is true. Is hiring a private detective really any better? surely you are just shifting the responsibility for snooping onto someone else. Home cameras in public thoroughfare places are fine (as an aside, I have some, mainly because my adult kids can be complete idiots, and like nothing better when they have been down the pub but to leave the doors open when I am away - and no, I do not mean unlocked, I mean actually open / ajar and believe me, we have TALKED). Different situation, but sometimes you just need to know where you are at.

following

Sound totally insane and tbh not sure I would want to tell you everything either the way your going on with strangers being ten times worse to someone you know, like an inquisition. Sound controlling, why would you read someone's messages there's nothing there. Not something I would ever do with my dh or want to tbh. He can be friends with whoever he pleases, buy meals, drinks for whoever he pleases. It's me he loves and comes home to and vice versa and he also has many female friends he goes out with as I male. Doesn't mean anyone is playing up.You sound nuts

Do 60 year olds use my bad?

Am late to this and not read the whole thread, it is the cover up of messages and meet ups which eats up your trust. I know exactly what you mean, knowing in advance or in the immediate aftermath is one thing but to know something is happening and not being told about it is something else. There's something very personal about the idea of listening to music together and reminiscing which is smacks of trying to recreate the past. If it's all so above board why not bring her round and introduce her to you and his life now? I would feel deeply uncomfortable about this and would be tempted to tell him you know of his plans, either before you leave or on the evening itself, he probably won't feel so warm and cosy after that.

You did say 'internal cameras' OP...
Good luck with all

I’d be putting cameras up everywhere, tbh. Maybe nannycam hidden ones. They may not be the most ethical, but I would want to have evidence.

Existing cameras are external around house, looking at cars etc. This is just a small camera in window watching the front door.

They do when they work with teenagers!! You will be amazed what I pick up.

You have it regarding the music. STRMOY - was the acronym I read on his messages. It is the music he is picking that hurts. More than the meals out.

OP, you say you are happy and secure but this is very at odds with both the tone and content of your posts 🙁
You don’t seem clear on what gaining the camera information is going to give you, beyond evidence of cheating. What is confronting your husband with evidence going to give you, if you’re adamant you don’t want to leave him?

I am well, thank you for asking. They were friends in their 20’s not contact for 40 years, then suddenly meeting up, without telling me in the last six weeks, three times. He let a couple of things slip, and then said that they met once, but not mentioned the other couple of times. When a few things slipped that’s when I asked and started to look.

I shall learn to use the existing CCTV then. When I say internal cameras - the ones I am looking at stick on the inside of windows and film the outside, so I can see who comes in and out of the front door. This is currently a blind spot in our system anyway. I had not considered nannycams before someone mentioned on here - other people also live in this house and I would not want to film them either.

I’d ask him directly how x is and watch his reaction. Ask if he’s heard from her lately. If he denies this then you have proof he’s lying to you directly bc he has something to hide. If he didn’t then he’d have no problem telling you he’d caught up with her, unless he sees you as the jealous type who doesn’t like him talking to other women?

I think the whole inviting someone to ‘listen to music’ round your house is maybe the 60’s version of ‘Netflix and chill’ - he’s rebuilding a relationship with her, or at least a connection, and I’m sure her husband knows nothing about this.

Could you befriend her on fb to put the wind up her? I doubt she’d be comfortable coming round after that and it would put your husband in an interesting position of whether to raise it with you - as, why would he know you’d done this without her speaking with him? Maybe worth a try.

You might not want to y to leave but if I found out you’d done this I’d 100% leave you,

I don’t see the point. what will this prove? You already know she’s likely coming over to your house

yiur husband can have friends. He can have friends that you don’t know about. He can meet people without telling you. He’s entitled to privacy

What’s STRMOY mean?

Googled it and it's "Songs That Remind Me Of You"

But this isn't about having friends or privacy. A degree of privacy is normal but hiding meeting up with an ex, sending her songs that remind him of her and then inviting her round to continue that connection, whilst his wife is away, is not exactly upfront and trustworthy.

Installing secret cameras is a terrible and intrusive thing to do. And makes you the bad guy always. It is possibly marriage ending if he finds them. As you don’t want to leave you should not do this.

it feels like something a controlling or abusive partner would do.

if you aren’t going to leave isn’t it better not to know?

Don't get me wrong I don't think the camera option is wise but knowing your husband is crushing on someone else, and trying to set up meetings, is pretty hard. I'd start sending him songs that remind you of him, suggestions include the following - Jolene, I'm not The Only One, Traitor, Your Cheatin' Heart....see if he catches on 😂

Dont see that the op is doing anything wrong.
He has cameras set up that she cant control

"Listen to music"

It all seems creepy I wouldnt live in a house with cameras let alone ones I couldnt control, I would have bigger problems then the cameras if that was the case

I don’t see anything wrong with this.he is starting an affair in their house.she has every right to put a camera facing the front door.there are already cameras there.you want proof,get it. I would do exactly the same!Good luck.