AIBU to install cameras because I suspect my husband is hiding affair?

[Lovingmynewlifestyle]

I need a little help. I have a strong suspicion that my husband is having / starting an affair. He has recently had two meetings (meals out - he paid) that I know of with a married friend, they knew each other before I met him. They talk frequently via text and I think a second Facebook account (that I don’t have access to). He has never told me about this I discovered a message by accident and have since found proof. I think he is now hiding how he communicates via hidden apps in his iPhone, he is very tech aware, and this these hidden apps are protected by touch ID that I don’t know how to get around.

The thing is I am going away tomorrow to visit family 150 miles away. I think this OW is coming around to my house to listen to music. I can’t prove 100%.

Am I unreasonable to get internal cameras? I can organise this tonight if I order now via prime. But I don’t know what to order, any suggestions?? It has to be easy to install. I am not tech savvy.

I have met this person, and we are due out as a group soon. Not leaving my husband so don’t suggest. Need to confront with evidence.

I know it's against the Mumsnet lore to do snooping of any kind because then the trust has gone, but sometimes you just need to know.
Rather than months of uncertainty, where you feel you're going crazy and his behaviour has changed and you know he's keeping secrets...

Completely agree.

He may be having sex with this ex girlfriend but hasn't told you because fir him it isn't serious and he loves you and doesn't want to risk losing you.
That's an interesting take on cheating. Do you think that's usually the case when a man cheats on his wife or partner: they are just lying and keeping it secret for altruistic reasons?

Spying is gross.
Clearly you don't think he is faithful. Either leave, or learn to turn a blind eye .

The thing is, if you don’t see anything, you still wont know.

She installs cameras, sees no one come to the house. But she’s still suspicious. So what then? A tracker in his car? What level of snooping will enable you to trust him?

Are you unwell? I don't mean that in a snarky way, it's genuine. This is really unhealthy, it would be unhealthy in a new relationship but after 30 years of marriage to be suddenly trying to get into his phone, checking his receipts and buying cameras to spy on him is really concerning. You say he's been friends with this woman longer than you've known him so why do you think he'd start an affair now? Thinking she is going round to listen to music is quite specific, why do you think that? You don't want to leave but want evidence. Why? If you don't want to separate regardless of what he has done, setting up recording devices is very risky. If my DH secretly recorded me the relationship would be over. It's so intrusive.

You come across as a little unhinged.

Mentally unwell?

Don't bother with the cameras. If money is no objective just hire a PI.

OP, I think your suggestion is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read. You instantly put yourself in the wrong, and filming your husband would be a despicable
thing to do.

If you need advice on technology. AI will help, install chatgpt or Google Gemini, they can give you instructions.

@wishfulthinking25
Is he likely to admit he’s having an affair. I imagine he will li and gaslight the OP.

Why do you want evidence which, if there, will only distress you further, if you have already decided that you won’t leave because you love and like, your husband. Think about what the benefit would be to you of having your worst fears confirmed.

I know you can't prove a negative but she could find out definitively.
I contemplated following my DH or putting a PI on him. I didn't, but the uncertainty can drive you to do stuff like that.

So you think there’s a decent chance he was cheating on you during work trips for years, and even if he’s cheating now you won’t leave. That’s your choice, but why are you trying so hard to confirm? What do you hope to accomplish?

You know they do next day delivery here ooop North too, op! 😂 Sorry, that London comment made me laugh.

This all sounds bonkers. You said you're not going to leave him, so what do you plan to do with any findings?

Shagging someone who isn’t your wife, in your family home is more gross.

Op isn’t going to leave either way.

Can’t the critical people just back off a bit? And the name callers just fuck off.

OP do what you need to do.

Sometimes it’s just to confirm we aren’t mad. I knew in my bones my H was with gfs, but he denied, said I was imagining things, I dreamt and thought the dream was real, I was mentally unhinged and needed psychiatric help.
I came home one day he thought I’d be out. I avoided all the security sensors and used a door that wasn’t linked to the alarm system. Stood outside his office and he was on Skype with another woman. Heard every word. Walked in and said a loud , hello darling..missed you…so his gf would hear , because he’d told her, I was just an ex , in the annexe, till I found somewhere else to live. He was angry I’d spoken . Stopped denying everything and I later found out she was one of 3 ….2 had been on the go for 20 years, before he met me. Our entire relationship was a lie. After lie after lie.
Confirmation we are right starts to matter. I’d agree I was a bit obsessed by that point and probably unhinged for different reasons to those he accused me of, since I was right. But if he’d just come clean at the start, I would not have been.

You are in denial. Noone can be "happy and secure" if they suspect their partner is cheating on them.

You cannot secretly record your husband FFS

There’s got to be a crime in there somewhere.

Unless he’s retired and never leaves the house, it is much more likely that he’d meet her somewhere else.

Why would he risk the neighbours telling you?

Also if you tell him that you know he has someone around - he’ll say what’s wrong with that?
He’s not technically doing anything wrong.

Plus you will have to tell him how you know and he will 100% leave you if he finds out you’re secretly recording him - considering you don’t want to break up with him then that would be very silly of you.

Come home early

Someone mentioned iPad earlier. Honestly I think this is your best bet. Leave it on a high shelf somewhere doing a voice recording (not video) then you’ll be able to hear who arrives. This would 100% be what I would do

Did you manage to find anything?

Why can't you access the CCTV that is "all over house"? That in itself is worrying.

If you suspect that strongly you need to talk with your DH asap- the gilt is definitely off the gingerbread already.