AIBU to worry about managing financially after separation with two children?

[Therewegothen]

DH and I are in the very early stages of separating. We have 2 primary age kids.

I've absolutely no idea how I'm going live on a single income. Please can people give my head a wobble?

I work full time, earning £46000. I work in a regulated profession (Social Work) so moving jobs won't improve pay and I haven't got the headspace for a promotion at the moment (plus there are no vacancies in the next level up).

I bring home £2600 a month. Having done a benefits calculator online I will receive £190 in child benefit, £424 UC and then, hopefully £638 in maintenance. But I'm guessing I shouldn't bank on that?

Stbex will have 50/50 custody. Is it reasonable to expect he pays half child care costs and half kids activities and needs? Or is that what maintenance is for?

We currently own and I should get around £100k equity once fees etc are taken out. The cheapest houses in my area are £300k for a 3 bed (kids are b&g, 10&8 and the houses are kitchen and living room, no extra reception room).

I could move to a cheaper area but then costs to get the children to school and my commuting costs go up significantly.

I need to buy a car as I need one for work and does DH, the current family car is his.

I'll need to buy furniture etc.

We have about £40k in savings, I'm guessing I'll get half? Even though it's all money DH got from redundancy and work shares?

Having looked at mortgages, my mortgage will be £1300 and my income will be £3214 plus maintenance.

Is £1914 enough to live off? Gas, electric, water, broadband, food, dog food & insurance, house maintenance, Christmas, kids birthdays, childcare (no non-paid support), kids clothes, uniform etc, kids hobbies? It doesn't seem like much but I'm guessing plenty of people manage?

I did look at reducing my hours, but it's half time or full time, no in-between and the income difference would be too big even accounting for reduced childcare costs.

AIBU to be worried about the finances?

If he's a high earner I would assume his pension pot, that he wants to keep, is considerable.
Could you not agree not to go for your half of his pension in exchange for you keeping the house

Dont forget op has a defined benefit nhs pension. The actuarial valuation of that will be hefty too. I earn 3x what my sister does (similar numbers to op & the ex), her local govt db pension scheme is predicted to pay her a similar pension to my private sector DC scheme despite me putting decent contributions in. Nhs DB schemes are really valuable.

Its not just the tax op pays its the value of the work she contributes to the economy.

For those of you giving OP grief for claiming UC - fuck off

My back couldn't cope on a sofa bed long term. I had thought of that.

I agree you need to work out if his pension is worth going after (presumably you know what yours is and can guess his?).

Whilst the kids are young you’ll get UC but that won’t be forever if you get a few pay rises and don’t need childcare. He could agree to pay maintenance now then change his mind post-divorce. It’d be better to think long term.

Murphy bed then! You can only have what you can afford. I think you will be skint as fuck if you take on a 200k mortgage. Interest rates are not going anywhere.

Where do you get your £100k equity figure from? If it is 50% of the equity in the house, you could end up with more given disparity in incomes and the fact you both need to provide adequate housing for the kids.
Also have you taken into account pensions? You’ll be expected to split these too. If his is worth more than yours he might be persuaded to give up more equity instead of pension.
You really need to get to the bottom of those figures before you get into the detail of monthly costs as it could change the picture quite a lot

I’m also not clear what UC you will get when you’re on that income and have savings over £16k?

This has been discussed quite a lot on the thread. Even if you just read OPs posts you can see she’s explained a few times she won’t have savings over 16k when she claims

Yanbu to be worried about finances, you are going to see your household income drop by 140k? per year and it'll require some adjustment.
I think expecting maintenance on 50/50 shared care plus half of the other child associated costs is unreasonable.
You should be including pensions, but an nhs pension is surprisingly valuable. If you've worked for the nhs for a number of years, it could be that your pension is actually worth more than his is.
Legal advice is needed.

You would definitely get UC on that wage towards the childcare. Your best paying 100% of it yourself and putting all the costs through UC, then get exH to pay you half. That way you get some back from UC and that helps without the child maintenance.

You say it is 300k for a 3 bed house, but flats are generally cheaper. Look for a flat, or 2 bed thst can be easily partitioned, instead. Ex local authority property is often more spacious and cheaper.

He does not get to just want to keep his pension! I want a million pounds, but it doesn't mean I am going to get it. Yes you will have lifestyle adjustments to make after so long with much higher income, buy plenty of us have a perfectly good life on less. You will be out of the childcare years soon enough and can the look to make savings and possibly improve housing at some point.

So your dh earns approximately £120k and yet the tax payer has to support his kids. This country has gone mad.

My dc on NMW paying tax to support your 6 figured salary ex dh’s dc. WTF!

Exactly it's a load of shit.

If you can't afford the house and he can, would he offer you a generous buy out (to equal half his pension) instead of you taking half his pension? He could refinance and take out an equity loan. If neither of you want the house, then perhaps you get a larger (or all) the equity in exchange for signing off on his pension.

Talk to the solicitor you plan to see soon about the options regarding the house and his pension. You might be surprised at the creative ways of getting a larger share of 'cash' or of other assets in exchange for leaving a pension alone.

Just don't raise any of this to him until you've spoken to that solicitor. I know you said 'he'll be fair' but to tell you the truth, considering that he wants to 'save' his pension, I highly doubt he'll come up with a proposal that's truly fair.

I hate these threads, armchair warriors appear everywhere and thibk they know the rules better than everyone.

Op if he earns substantially more than you, which he does, he can still be compelled to pay on a 50/50 agreement. Its quite common. If he doesnt want you touching his pension, you get a bigger % of the equity, he would be a stupid man to have a huge pension and not give you the lions share of equity.

When it comes to CB, if he cant claim due to his salary it makes sense for you to claim for both. In reality the primary carer is usually the one claiming the CB but ALSO the one that will take them to doctors, school, what address the children are registered at.

Is he able to do 50/50 practically? Can you?

Im so confused by your tax though, I bring home the same on 36k a year.

He would still be liable to pay maintenance is he makes in excess of £156,000.

If he makes below that, and care is shared equally with you, then he is not liable to pay maintenance. This is also stated on the introduction page for the calculator.

I don't know about maintenance but had thought nobody pays if custody is 50/50. Certainly that's what happened when dsis divorced.

The £1300 mortgage is a lot. Is that a repayment mortgage? Could you do interest only, even if only till you're back on your feet?

Hey OP
Just chucking my twopence in, the scariest part is thinking about it and wondering how it will all work, but once you are in the midst of it it does fall into place. Your mindset shifts and planning / seeking bargains etc. Becomes second nature.

I am on a lower wage than yourself, not much in savings, don't receive any support or UC, but manage fine :) part of this is due to reframing what we view as important. Trying to instil in my child that experiences are better than material goods, so lowering expectations, having dinner at home, but choosing a nice place for pudding etc.

Once bills are covered, children need time more than physical items. I look at friends who are married and they have normalised buying new clothes or outfits for little ones, or always buying a new toy when out and about. I think when you have that safety net, your expenditure matches and you don't think about money. When you no longer have that safety net, there is a period of readjustment, but your lifestyle will eventually reflect what is possible.

I'm not sure if I am making much sense, but once the bills are covered, the rest eventually falls into place and adjusts. You have a really good income and if you are eligible for support, then a bigger safety net, so the biggest shift will be around reframing your expectations and values, you have got this! Please don't give up time with your kids for financial reasons, they want time with you first and foremost :)

There aren't 3 bed flats in our area. £300k is a 3 bed ex LA mid terrace.

If I want cheaper (house or flat) I'll have to move area but that comes with different financial and practical issues.

He can't afford the house either on his own, nor would he want it due to how much house work it takes.

Yes going to organise seeing a solicitor before saying anything to him.

Maybe it would make more sense for your ex to have the children most of the time as he will be able to afford a family sized home? You could do every other weekend and a couple of sleepovers maybe and then the size of your property could be more affordable.

This makes perfect sense.

Then you wouldn’t have to take from
the public purse. As someone earning 6 figures he wouldn’t need UC topping up. He can afford to support them. You need/want UC to support them.

I suggested this up thread and was told it was essentially a silly idea.

If I had to pay maintenance though I would have to move pretty far away to get a property that was affordable.

Nice.