AIBU to worry about managing financially after separation with two children?

[Therewegothen]

DH and I are in the very early stages of separating. We have 2 primary age kids.

I've absolutely no idea how I'm going live on a single income. Please can people give my head a wobble?

I work full time, earning £46000. I work in a regulated profession (Social Work) so moving jobs won't improve pay and I haven't got the headspace for a promotion at the moment (plus there are no vacancies in the next level up).

I bring home £2600 a month. Having done a benefits calculator online I will receive £190 in child benefit, £424 UC and then, hopefully £638 in maintenance. But I'm guessing I shouldn't bank on that?

Stbex will have 50/50 custody. Is it reasonable to expect he pays half child care costs and half kids activities and needs? Or is that what maintenance is for?

We currently own and I should get around £100k equity once fees etc are taken out. The cheapest houses in my area are £300k for a 3 bed (kids are b&g, 10&8 and the houses are kitchen and living room, no extra reception room).

I could move to a cheaper area but then costs to get the children to school and my commuting costs go up significantly.

I need to buy a car as I need one for work and does DH, the current family car is his.

I'll need to buy furniture etc.

We have about £40k in savings, I'm guessing I'll get half? Even though it's all money DH got from redundancy and work shares?

Having looked at mortgages, my mortgage will be £1300 and my income will be £3214 plus maintenance.

Is £1914 enough to live off? Gas, electric, water, broadband, food, dog food & insurance, house maintenance, Christmas, kids birthdays, childcare (no non-paid support), kids clothes, uniform etc, kids hobbies? It doesn't seem like much but I'm guessing plenty of people manage?

I did look at reducing my hours, but it's half time or full time, no in-between and the income difference would be too big even accounting for reduced childcare costs.

AIBU to be worried about the finances?

Hold on a second. The OP isn't taking the piss. Her life circumstances are different to yours. Admittedly there's some lack of understanding about how these things work but funnily enough you don't need to be an expert in divorcing and finances until it comes up.

Give your head a wobble before responding with such vitriol.

I don’t know the exact figures yet as my childcare costs will change when I move, but any extra money helps. It’ll mean I don’t need to go back to FT work before the children are both in school which will be wonderful.

It’s wrong I’m sorry, someone did post what the website says.

You will not have anything to pay through the Child Maintenance Service if you are:

• sharing care equally with the other parent

Or if they live with you say 5 days a week, then yes, maintenance would be due. Bit you’d then be eligible for all child care costs

No, your ex is taking the piss by not paying for your shared kids.

If you disagree with the benefits system, you're free to write to your MP to complain about how it’s too generous.

Sorry you are going through this , OP . It must be so hard.
Surely in this situation there is a case for keeping the chidlren's lifestyle at a similar standard as it was before ?
Say he earns 180k and you earn 46 k it makes sense that dad puts extra into the 'pot' to esnure the kids do not suffer?

Just to suggest an alternative: What about 50/50 care (or 55/45 or whatever), plus you agree what joint costs are (childcare, activities, healthcare, school trips, holiday club, clothing) and he pays 75% of this as his earnings are much higher.

You keep own pensions, you claim CB, get a little more of the equity to enable you to stay in the same area (which he wants, so kids he keeps the car.

@GooseyDuck and you’re an example of exactly why why this govt need to overhaul benefits. It should not be a choice to be of and expect the rest of us to fund that for you

Everything I've read indicates I'm definitely eligible for some UC, the how much is what is being debated.

Do you know how much he has saved in his pension? Most people forget to include this but you are usually entitled to 50%. It could make a big difference to your overall assets.

It sort of makes sense, but I can imagine he'd just argue that he can have them more.

We both know that children living with one parent is better for the child (I actually wrote one of my dissertations on it) so 50/50 is actually a compromise on what we both know to be best form the kids.

It's so hard, because I don't want to be away from them but do want to do what's best for them.

It could be right, but I think it’s likely you will need to move, I think I would chat to him, if it’d amicable, would he be willing to pay the child care fees? For the full time?

I don’t disagree with you, but I’m not going to turn down free money that I’m entitled to.

Why? It's considerably better for the children to be with their parent more of the time. We should be funding parents to take more time off.

That is really tough. I feel for you. Might nesting be an option for you both?

I think the best thing to do is me to ask him to present me with an offer of what he considers fair. He'll do some research and look at what I might get it if went to court etc. then we can use that as a starting point.

He doesn't want me to touch his pension, so that's something to consider in negotiations.

At the moment we're just trying to get the house in a saleable condition.

I don't think so, but it's definitely something to discuss.

Another option could be, if you both feel it’s better for them to be primarily with a parent, is that you agree to cut your hours in exchange for a higher share of the assets and generous maintenance. He might go for that until they finish primary at least? It sounds like with him they’d need to be in wraparound care?

It would mean sacrificing your career for a few years but I’m sure it’d be easy to increase hours later on, in your field.

Definitely don’t agree to keeping your own pensions.

They need their mum present for more than 5% of their lives more than they need more activities? If you are happy with giving him almost full custody though and paying maintenance then that’s up to you.

OP, you do have options in terms of negotiation. I've seen a few friends that have had various agreements as part of their divorce and a few were quite generous for giving up rights to their ex's pension. Remember as standard your entitlement to how pension is 50% of the value.

Some of my friends received a lot more equity from the house sale and one has an agreement whereby she remains living in the house until the child is 21, both pay 50% of the mortgage and when the time comes she can buy him out at a lower price or they can sell but she will get a higher percentage of the sale ( I may have over simplified this but it's something like that)

Also I disagree that a child is better off living with one parent. My DD10 is thriving and we have 50/50 care for the last 4-5 years. I think it's important that they see both houses as home and them carrying things is kept to a minimum.

I think the only UC you’d get is towards registered childcare.

If 50/50, you’re unlikely to get CM.

That’s not how UC works though, she’d still get the standard element and allowance for each child, plus childcare. And then the overall amount is reduce by income. So her figure may well be correct

On the calculation I did (which I suspect is similar to OP’s) I got something like £420 standard allowance plus child element plus child benefit.

Even if it’s “just childcare,” my childcare bill is over 1k a month so any reduction is very welcome.

There was a post on here a few weeks back where the OP had been told she would receive CM despite 50:50 care because her ex was such a high earner. I’d never heard this being the case personally but she claimed solicitors had informed her of this. You say he earns 3x the amount you do so is indeed a high earner, he may have to pay something as a result but I wouldn’t bank on it.

Since dh is higher earner could you ask him if he would pay childcare costs?